Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Loving Conspiracy


"Sometimes when we attempt to wake up in our own lives and leap forward to new levels of truth, honesty and authenticity, the resistance we encounter isn't only from within ourselves, but from the people around us,- family, friends, coworkers, even our intimate partner. I call this the Loving Conspiracy-what happens when, consciously or unconsciously, those closest to us undermine our efforts to grow or change." - Dr. Barbara De Angeles


These past few years have been a time of immense growth and healing for me. While my life has not reflected it too much on the outside just yet, in the inside there sure has been great change. I mostly notice this when it comes to my emotions. I have feelings of joy, love and peace just because. Throughtout most of life I did not know how to be in such a good place. I always tried to be in the place of true happiness by achieveing goals or accumulating stuff. Ofcourse my ggod feelings were never long lasting.

But now things are different. How I feel inside has very little to do with externals. You would think that my family would be happy for me. Instead I have been coming across great resistance. Also, some of my friends have disappeared. They loved to talk to me almost daily when I had drama about my life to share. But once I began to tell them about how good I was feeling about life, they slowly began to leave.

"We would like to believe that all the people in our life want the best for us. we would like to believe that our friends,relatives, partners, parents and children all want us to shine, to grow, to be the best we can be. When we are confronted with reluctance, resistance, disaproval or even anger from our loved ones at the advent of what we consider a change transformation for the better, it often stuns us. 'How could she/he love me so much and yet be so unhappy with my growth?' we wonder in disbelief. why would people who care for us want to hold us back or keep us stuck in a place where we are obviously not happy?" - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


The following has been what I have learned from psychologists and some of my savvy friends as to why those we least expect are not happy with out growth, healing and transformation:

  • People like the outer version of you, but our uneasy with the real you so the prefer you keep the mask on so they will feel better.
  • When you change for the better, people are forced to look at their own issues and that makes people uncomfortable.
  • It threatens the way they are. For example if someone uses alcohol to deal with life and the spouse suddenly becomes sober, the partner that is still an alcoholic will worry that he too willbe asked to quit.  
  • They are afraid the new you will not like the old them. The woman that use to take care of my son when he was one year old told me that her husband became insanely jealous after she lost 100 pounds. They began to have many problems until they finally talked about why suddenly he had become so controlling and mean. However, from what I have heard from many spouses, their relationship deterioted once one of them began to change for the better.  
  • Seeing the way you have changed reminds them of all the ways they need to change but they haven't.
  • They discourage your wake up calls because they don't want to experience any of their own.
  • If they are unhappy following the rules they want you to be unhappy as well. They resent you for being happy especially if you did not follow their rules. Like a friend of mine said, "Yeah when you change for the better family or friends will tell you, 'That's not how we roll, you have to do it our way even if it means you will be equally unhappy otherwise you are not welcome.'
  • They are jealous or envious. In How Did I Get Here?, written by Dr. Barbara De Angeles, there is a story of a man who was obese and because he had so many health issues he began to focus on losing weight. He eventually lost so much weight and when he went to visit his family during the holidays they sabotaged his efforts to eat normally and also resented him for going for his morning jog. There is another story of a man, let's call him Max, who was extremely unhappy in his marriage, but he wanted to keep up with appearances. When his friend, let's call him Tom, came out and said that he was leaving his wife and filing for divorce soon, Max became furious. Tom did not understand what Max's problem was. He thought he'd be supportive considering that Max disliked being married too. After several years Max also divorced his wife and was only envious of Tom because he was brave enough to do what he was not yet courageous enough to do.    

"We become especially threatened when other people break undefined but vey important emotional rules. As long as I have to endure my unfulfilling job or loveless marriage, you have to endure yours. As long as I am overweight, you have to be overweight. As long as I have to be in the closet, you have to be in the closet. As long as I have to struggle, you have to struggle. As long as I have to suffer you have to suffer...If my friend can end his incompatible relationship, then why am I still enduring mine? if my colleague can break free from a stifling job and pursue something unconventional but satisfying, then why am I still here bored to tears?"- Dr. Barbara De Angelis


Sometimes our family and friends do not sabotage our change efforts on purpose. For example, if you have been losing weight and your family member or friend is uncomfortable with the new thin you because it reminds her about how much weight she should lose,  every time you go to her house she will try to feed you fatty foods and if you decline she will almost pressure you into eating even though you have explained to her numerous times that you just ate a few minutes ago and you prefer to eat when you are hungry again. Your family member or friend may not even be aware that she is pushing you to eat when you are not hungry. She may believe she is just being a good host.

                                  

"As you become more authentic, more awake, more aware, some people will balk at the new you. This is both painful and perplexing when it happens. It is as if you pushed and struggled and finally made it through the birth canal and much to your surprise and disappointment, your arrival was greeted with this: " I liked you better before, when you were in the womb...Too often , it is for us as we begin to emerge from our awakenings,we rejoice at our hard-earned growth, but our loved ones not only don't share in our celebration, but appear to be punishing us for having awakened at all."

Common methods used when others feel threatened by your breakthroughs:

  • Convincing you that something's psychologically wrong with you.
  • Creating their own drama or emergency to pull your attention from your soul-searching and on to them.
  • Enrolling other friends or family members to talk you out of concerns or feelings.
  • Making you feel guilty for your growth by accusing you of abandoning them, feeling superior to them, breaking promises made to them or misleading them.
  • Intimidating you by saying other people are unhappy with how you have changed but are not telling you this to your face.
  • Scaring you by predicting a negative outcome for all of your new choices.
  • Emotionally blackmailing you by withdrawing their love until you change back to the way you were.  
   "It has taken all the strenght and courage we have to battle our own resistance to change. Now it seems we may also have to battle our friends, our family, even those who supposedly love us the most, as we become fully ourselves." - Dr. Barbara De Anglis



Monday, March 26, 2012

Who Takes Care of The Caretakers?

"I finally began to admit that I, too, was more aware of other people's feelings than my own; that I had been repeating the patterns of my childhood without recognizing them...that my image of myself was very distant from other people's image of me; and in short, my childhood years - a part of my life I had thought I walled off - were still shaping the present as surely as a concealed magnet shapes the dust." - Gloria Steinem



Could there be a such thing as over caring for people? Psychiatrists and experts say there is. They call it co-dependency.There are many reasons behind taking the role of a caretaker and I could go into details why I took on this role, but I will save it for another time. For now I want to just focus on writing about how the caretaker role can hinder you.

The following is what I have found out are the drawbacks of being too caring.


  1. When you are so concerned with other people's problems and try to help them, you ignore your own healing. From what I learned, this is common among women. We believe that by caring for others other people will return that care, but it is not the case. Actually what happens is that some people abuse your kindess.
  2. You enable those who have issues to continue doing what they are doing even if it is harming them. Ofcourse you think you are being helpful, but what is actually happening is that you are not allowing them to grow up and heal their stuff.
  3. You run the risk of causing conflict with people you want to help because they are still in denial, don't want your help or they are annoyed with your compulsive attention. Like the Reverend fom my church said on last Sunday's service, we have to trust that our loved ones will find their way and should the time come that they do need help, they also have access on getting that help from people and God.
  4. Another drawback is that you attract others who take advantage of you. Such as perhaps a mate who does not care about what your needs are and is only interested in his own selfish needs.
  5. You repel healthy people. Healthy people expect an equal give and take and attract others who are also more in balance. Healthy people are not comfortble with always being the takers or always being the givers. On the other hand, people who are selfish and self centered are attracted to caretakers like moths to flame.
  6. When you over care for your children, you do not allow them to learn certain lessons that they need to learn in order to become successful, efficient, happy adults. I was doing this with my son. I thought I was just being a good mom. I did not want him to experience any suffering or challenges. In reality while we are on earth this is not possible. We all have to go through our own lessons. By being so into my son's life and over protective I was actually harming him. Also, I was hurting myself as well, because I was so full of anxiety about him it was causing too much stress. I have noticed that many moms do this. I know moms who spent all night awake doing (not helping) a child's school project or running to the store with last minute request from a child. In the meantime, the child missed the lessons of giving himself enough time to do his homework, ask in advance if he is not understanding an assignment or project, planning ahead, and not to mention what he could have learned by doing the project himself.
  7. Many people over care because they live vicariously through others instead of living their own lives to the fullest. It is common for parents to do this. Especially mothers do this with their daughters. However, what happens once the child no longer needs you or is done living her life for you? There is nothing wrong with supporting your child's dreams. But are you living yours? "Is there a cruelor way to survive than feeding off your offspring?"-Sarah Ban Breathnatch
  8. Some people do not want to be helped. They say they do, but really they just want to play the victims in their lives. You are not helping them see how they get in their own way when you endulge them. Plus you waste precious energy and time that could be used on yourself or someone who actually really wants to change their life.
  9. You are so focused on the problems of others that you neglect your own. Sometimes this happens because we have the false belief that the more we care for others the more we will be loved. For some reason caretakers believe that if they are not being martyrs and always being there for others even at the expense of their own health and well being, they will not be loved.
  10. You become an expert on everyone else's problems, but you end up having no clue on what is going on with you. You pretty much alienate yourself from your Self. Last year I had been getting many signs that it was time to stop the caretaker behavior, but I ignored them. Until my godfather talked to me and told me that it was time to take care of myself. I have no idea what caused him to say that to me. We were talking about my father and all of a sudden he was telling me that it was okay for me to be there for me. I finally began to listen. Every now and then I still forget and it has taken much practice to pay attention to my needs. But there is always someone or something to remind me that it is okay to care for me. Like when I talked to Bill last week. Out of the blue he said, "Let go of the false beliefs religion, culture, family and friends that tell you it is not okay to take care of you first. Forget about what others think about it. Feelings of undeserving your own self care will only repel good things from coming to you." Ofcourse it is easier said than done, but I have gotten so much better.

When we are children we develop warped perceptions as to how the world works. Many of us grew up believing the same things our mothers did. If one day you wanted to finally keep some toy just for you, it was snatched from your hands to give to someone else and you were told you were a selfish brat. So you end up believing that you have to become a martyr and endlessly give to others even when truthfully you can not afford to- but then you will be loved (so we think). Ofcourse the more it is encouraged by the primary caregivers, the roles and perceptions become more frequent until finally they make up who you are. However, it is not the real you. It is only the mask you have worn for so long in order to get love. Even when you believe that you know better, you end up repeating the same childhood patterns because your subconscious remembers for you that in order to get love you never think about yourself first. So you patiently wait until finally it is your turn to receive and that day never seems to come.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mr. Good Guy

Ladies, I just want to let you know that there are some very great guys out there. Do not waste your time with someone not worthy of you. I know that you are afraid to be alone again or that you will not find someone else. But if you do the work, he will find you. If you stay in an unhealthy relationship you will not attract him to you. You are actually repelling this great guy away from you.

These are the things you can expect from Mr. Good Guy:

  • He will be there for you during the good and bad times.
  • He will help you resolve problems.
  • He will be a huge emotional support and even financial support.
  • He will do little things just to please you.
  • He will never let you go without your basic needs or those of your children (whether they are his or not is irrelevant), even if it means he has to go without his own needs. 
  • He will be your child's dad (whether she is his or not is irrelevant).
  • He will cheer you up when you have a bad day, by either making you laugh, doing something thougthful, or just listening to you vent.
  • He will fully support your goals and dreams, plus he will help you achieve them because he believes in you.
  • He will tell you how proud of you he is.
  • He will introduce you to family and friends with pride.
  • He will be focused on giving to you not taking from you.
  • He will make you feel safe, secure, loved and cherished.
  • He will do what is needed to keep the relationship healthy and alive.
  • He will respect and honor you.
  • He will want to be part of your life and meet your family and friends.
  • He will not break your heart, and God help those who try to hurt or even upset you.
  • He will wait for sex, until you are emotionally, physically and mentally ready, even if he really wants to have sex with you.
  • He will respect your spiritual beliefs.
  • He will not expect to win your affections until he does his time.
  • He will worry about your safety and well being should you not respond to his call at a reasonable time.
  • He will love your body and be attracted to you in spite (and sometimes because) you have a few extra pounds or other imperfections.
I can not possibly list all of the benefits of letting go of unhealthy relationships and healing your wounds in order for you to be the best you can be to attract a Mr. Good Guy. But you get the idea. You have nothing to lose, but a loser and in return you will be rewarded with Mr. Good Guy.