Thursday, November 29, 2012

Psychology Vs. Spirituality

"None of us deserves blame and all of us deserve compassion. Sometimes you can't really forgive your parents until you have allowed yourself to cry for them."

                             -Marianne Williamson



I often come across people who believe that because they are spiritual they are beyond having to do any inner work. However, there is a such thing as using spirituality as avoidance to face wounds. I am not a fan of rehashing old pain, and therefore I was one of those people who used my spirituality to escape from my past. But I did not realize how my past was following  me everywhere I went.

When a friend asked me last week what I believed helped me the most to heal my past I realized that it was the combination of psychology and spirituality. Prior to immersing myself in psychology, after numerous life challenges, I began to doubt God even existed. This was in spite the fact that as far I could remember I always desired communion with God.

When I learned why I was stuck in certain patterns and why I believed what I believed my whole life began to make sense.  I also started to truly understand my parents and many times I indeed did cry for them.  Then I was able to transfer what I learned when I came across someone who was not behaving how I desired.  While I had learned not to allow others to treat me poorly no matter who they are, at the same time I was able to have compassion for them and love them from a distance.

Psychology also taught me why I was so passive aggresive and I learned many better ways to handle my negative emotions without lashing out on others nor supressing them with workaholism or food.  On the other hand my spiritual practice has helped me heal as well because I began to trust God again no matter how ugly my circumstances were or what challenges I comfronted in relationships. Also, I was able to center myself and get back to the feelings of peace and harmony much quicker than I would have been able to do in the past.  My spiritual experience also gave me the strength to look at my past so that I could stop suppressing my feelings about it and truly be able to heal. Then spirit advised it was time to let it all go.

Like many brilliant psychiatrists have written, you do not talk about the past to blame others or remain a victim, you bring it out so that the inner child who is in severe pain is finally heard and therefore stops sabotaging your success efforts. If we keep denying the pain of the inner child she will keep throwing tantrums until she is heard.  This is why I often advise people to see a Therapist if they are finding themselves having to justify their emotions. Please note that when your intuition is pushing you towards healing, many of those who you least expect will not speak your language and you need to find those who do otherwise it will be harder for you to heal. Healing could be challenging enough as it is.

Please also note that when we are children we are not able to analyze things like adults. Dr. Alex Loyd has a book called The Healing Code in which he describes a woman who had an IQ of 180 and gradutated from an Ivy league school but was not able to get a job. After talking to Dr. Loyd it was discovered that when she was about four years old her mother would not give her a popsicle because she did not eat all of her food and then gave a popsicle to her sister because she did eat all of her food. And although the mother did clarify why she was not giving her a popsicle, the woman's inner child only remembered that she did not get a popsicle and her sister did. Therefore she developed feelings of unworthyness and felt unloved even though her mother was, for the most part, a good mother.

Psychologists, Psychiatrists and Therapists are trained to understand that while to another adult the things that caused wounds in the past do not make sense, to the child within it was a big deal. Also even among siblings people get affected differently. Some siblings are more sensitive. Others block their whole childhood and when you ask them if they remember even the good stuff they do not recall. Psychologists say that this is a clue something bad is being suppressed. Other siblings become rebellious and even as adults never seem to grow out of it. Some siblings develop addictions. Psychiatrists especially pay close attention to those who claim they had the perfect childhood because it is another form of suppression. Not saying that the perfect childhood does not exists. It is just that it is very rare.


Not until the woman discovered that it was her inner child that still had the feelings of unworthiness and of being unloved, was she finally able to achieve success. Shortly after meeting with Dr. Loyd she got a job in Wall Street.

 Most of us had parents who were not intentionally cruel. Like I tell others who are worried they screwed up or are screwing up their kids, "Hey none of us are given a manual, all we could do is our best." In the past people never thought about these things. Like Marianne Williamson wrote, "...we and our parents have all been living at the effect of energies of the unevolved, fear-based energies permeating this world...Our parents were wounded children too..." If you would like to read more on lower energies I recommend Power Vs. Force by Dr. David Hawkins so that you could understand why the patterns and cycles have been difficult to break from generation to generation. He advises those who want to break the negative patterns of the family to begin communion with God. He says not necessarily with religion, but with an honest spiritual practice.

Other famous psychiatrists and authors who combine spirituality with spychology for healing clients are:

Dr. Doreen Virtue
Dr. Wayne Dyer
Dr. M. Scott Peck


Whatever path you take to begin healing, do not do it alone. I did it alone at first, and it was very hard. While it was still difficult for me after I found a loving high energy support group, it helped just to know that there would always be someone there for me no matter what. Now I am beyond healing the past, but I still consult my wise friends for present challenges.

I sometimes come across people, especially men, who consider it a weakness to seek support or to review the past in order to heal it. Please note that if this is you it is because you are still stuck erroneously believing what our low energy ancestors believed. According to the late Dr. Hawkins this is part of the reason it is taking humanity to evolve onto higher energies. Because people just don't get that their perceptions are wrong and stubbornly cling to false beliefs. Why? According to A Course in Miracles, people rather be right than happy.

Also, according to psychogists it takes more strenght and wisdom to heal and it is more of a weakness to live in denial and suppress emotions using externals such as alcohol, drugs, workaholism, OCDs, busyness, compulsive eating,etc.


Most of us are not victims of our parents, so much as we and our parents have all been living at the effect of the energies of the unevolved, fear-based energies permeating this world...Our parents were wounded children too...The greatest gift you could give your children is to heal your own wounds as best you can."

                                   -Marianne Williamson


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Ego

It has been written by many that the EGO is an acronym for Edging God Out. I have certainly found this to be true in my experience. I have realized that when I am focused on the wishes or thoughts of the ego I am the most unhappy. I have also noticed how it negatively effects me to be paying attention to the ego centered demands or false perceptions of others.

In the book I, by David R. Hawkins M.D., Ph.D, there is a thorough explanation about why the ego not only brings people much unhappiness, but also "Edges God Out". The following is a list of "some basic axiomatic positionalities of the ego" that Dr. Hawkins wrote in his book.


  1. Phenomena are either good or bad, right or wrong, just or unjust, fair or unfair.
  2. The 'bad' deserve to be punished and the 'good' rewarded.
  3. Things happen by accident or else they are the fault of somebody else.
  4. The mind is capable of comprehending and recognizing truth from falsehood.
  5. The world causes and deternines one's experiences.
  6. Life is unfair because the innocent suffer while the wicked go unpunished.
  7. People can be different than they are.
  8. It is critical and necessary to be right.
  9. It is critical and necessary to win.
  10. Wrongs must be righted.
  11. Righteousness must prevail.
  12. Perceptions represent reality.

"To address these types of issues, it is helpful to recall that one's only obligation is to the truth of the Self and Divinity. This process, therefore, demands letting go of all cherished positionalities because nothing one believes is true. Actually axioms are illusions that create suffering and result in much destruction. These 'axioms' are barriers to enlightment and create a multitude of dualities because they arise from linear perception rather than nondualitistic spiritual Reality."

The main ego axiom that has caused me much suffering is number 12, "Perceptions Represent Reality."  Mostly because  I use to have a negative perception about myself and erroneously believed others were more worthy than I was because of their external and superficial accomplishments. However, ever since I have been spending more time with my down to earth friends, I have realized how twisted my perceptions were. 

I have now also noticed how heavy the energy feels when I am around people who are stuck in ego illusions. It is becoming harder to pretend that they are right.  However, trying to convince others that they are wrong will only feed my own ego. So what I do is just minimize my time with those who are ego centered and instead spend more time with those who are more spiritually attuned. And when I am around those who are more ego based I continously remind myself that my "only obligation is to the truth of the Self and Divinity."

The ego is not entirely bad. In fact, when you have too little of an ego psychologists say you have low self-esteem. So I believe that my problem in the past was not having enough ego.

Dr. Hawkins explains, "An important element of meaning of the term 'ego' is the implication that its true basis is pride and narcissism, which bring in guilt about the implied selfishness of the ego. Ego is also a psychological term that generally has an implied survival value. In therapy, a patient may have the problem of a 'weak' ego and low self-esteem. In contrast, 'egotism' or 'egoistic' means overinflation or even grandiosity. In spiritual parlence, 'ego' implies a negative quality, an obstacle to realization because of its linear dualistic contruction. In psychology, however, the term denotes coping and survival skills to deal effectively with the world."

In essence, the ego is important for our survival on earth. However, too much ego keeps you from knowing the truth. But too little ego also keeps you from knowing the truth.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Do You Have a Blind Spot?



Sometimes we do not manifest what we desire because we develop scotomas or blind stops. These blind spots come about because of childhood programming of false beliefs and society's influence. The following are some examples of beliefs that cause scotomas which block manifesting capabilities.


  • The belief that there is a scarcity of quality men or women to date.
  • The belief that there is a scarcity of money.
  • The belief that life is a struggle.
  • The belief that you are not good enough just how you are.
  • The belief that you have to be someone you are not for people to like you.
  • The belief that you are not lovable just the way you are.
  • The belief that you are not smart, capable or educated enough.
  • The belief you are not attractive enough to attract a life partner.
  • The belief that men do not fall in love with overweight women.
  • The belief that you are too old.
  • The belief that old means sick.
  • The belief that if you stop being sick, you will no longer get attention.
  • The belief you can't do something because of your gender, ethnicity, economic situation,etc.

The reason false beliefs create scotomas and block manifesting is because we have a built in screening device called the Reticular Activating System which acts much like an Executive Secretary screening out information. Without R.A.S., we'd be overwhelmed by the unlimited number of perceptions. R.A.S. also reinforces what we believe. Unfortunately even if it's false beliefs which many of our beliefs are.

If your belief is that there is a scarcity of quality men, for example, when a nice guy is right in front of you, you will not be aware of it. Or if you become aware of it you will assume he is a jerk like the rest of them and put up your "Do not disturb" sign. Most of the time we do this unconsciously.

Or if your belief is that men do not like overweight women, and a cute guy is looking at you, you will not be aware of it. And if you do notice, you assume that he is thinking something awful about your weight. But he actually could be thinking, "Look at all those sexy curves, I wonder if she is single". But then you unconsciously give a vibe that dicourages him from approaching you. Which he senses, assumes you must be taken if you look that hot, and he walks away.

Another example, many people are ill because they like the attention they get and do not believe they could get attention without their illness. Their R.A.S. then blocks out all of the tools that are available for healing.

For more cool information on R.A.S check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/reticular_formation




Monday, November 26, 2012

Intuitive Eating

Last year I learned the ramifications of dieting from many experts. The nutritionists who wrote the book, Intuitive Eating, are among the experts who encourage their clients to stay away from diets if they want long lasting weight loss, health and well being. This is what Evelyn Tribole M.S., R.D. and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D. have to say about dieting:

Diet backlash is the cumulative side effect of dieting; it can be short-term or chronic, depending how long a person has been dieting. It may just be one side effect, or several.
By the time Sandra came to the office, she had the classic symptoms of diet backlash. She was eating less food, yet had trouble loosing weight during her more recent diet attemps.
Other symptoms include:

  • The mere contemplation of going on a diet brings on urges and cravings for "sinful" foods and "fatty" favorites: such as ice cream, chocolate, cookies, and so forth.
  • Upon ending a diet, going on a food binge and feeling guilty. One study indicates that postdieting binges occur in 49 percent of all people who end a diet.
  • Having little trust in self with food. Understandably, every diet has taught you not to trust your body or the food you put in. Even though it is the process of dieting that fails you, the failure continues to undermine your relationship with food.
  • Feeling that you don't deserve to eat because you are overweight.
  • Shortened dieting duration. The lifespan of a diet gets shorter. (Is it no wonder that Ultra-Slim Fast's sales pitch is, "Give us a week...and we'll...").
  • The last supper.Every diet is preceded by consuming foods you presume you won't eat again. Food consumption often goes up during this time. It may occur over one meal or over a couple of days. The Last Supper seems to be the last step before "dietary cleansing," almost a farewell-to-food party. For one client, Marilyn, every meal felt like it was her last. She would each meal until she was uncomfortably stuffed- she was terrified she would never eat again. For good reason: She had been dieting over two thirds of her life, since the sixth grade, through a series of fasting and 500-calorie diets. As far as her body was concerned, a diet was only around the corner- so she felt she had better eat while she could. Each meal for Marilyn was famine relief.
  • Social withdrawal.Since it's hard to stay on a diet and go to a party or out to dinner, it becomes easier just to turn down social invitations...There is often a fear of being able to stay in control. It's not uncommon for this experience to be reinforced by "saving up the calories or fat grams for the party," which usually means eating very little. But by the time the dieter arrives, ravenous hunger dominates and eating feels very out of control.
  • Sluggish metabolism. Each diet teaches the body to adapt better to the next self-imposed famine (another diet). Metabolism slows as the body efficiently utilizes each calorie as if it's the last. The more drastic the diet, the more it pushes the body into calorie-pinching survival mode. Fueling metabolism is like stroking a fire. Remove the wood and the fire diminishes. Similarly, to fuel our metabolism, we must eat sufficient amount of calories, or our bodies will compensate and slow down.
  • Using caffeine to survive the day. Coffee and diet drinks are often abused as management tools to feel energetic and filled up while underfed.
  • Eating disorders. Finally for some, repeated dieting is often the stepping-stone to an eating disorder, ranging from anorexia nervosa or bulimia to compulsive overeating.

I hope that before you spend more money on another fad diet you understand that if you do indeed lose weight it will only be short term. Also, yo-yo dieting is considered worse for your health than being a few pounds overweight.


Are You an Emotional Eater?

If you find yourself craving foods even when you are not hungry you might be an emotional eater. An emotional eater is someone who eats to suppress or soothe her emotions. However, most emotional eaters are not aware that they are doing this. They only know that they crave certain foods or can't stop eating until they are so full they feel sick.

It is unfortunate when people are not aware that they are an emotional eaters because instead of finding out what is causing the overeating they start fad diets to lose weight and then they feel very bad about themselves for not being able to stick to them. Their self-esteem suffers for not controlling their food intake and the worse thing that happens is that they go up and down in weight, called yo-yo dieting, which is even worse for their health than being a few pounds overweight.

Below are the reasons that people overeat or consume in excess foods that are not good for them in order to soothe, suppress, or avoid an emotion.

  • Anger. Most people, especially women, were taught that anger was wrong, therefore even when they have the right to be angry they supress it and some use food to do it.
  • Anxiety/Worry/Fear. People who are chronically afraid, anxious or worryworts have a high tendency to addictive behaviors in order to soothe their feelings. Some become alcoholics, drug users, smokers, and even the culturally accepted and encouraged workaholics. And others turn to food.
  • Stress. Regular stress can induce overeating, eating wrong foods or both. Not just because you are too stressed out to think about what you are eating or how much you are eating, but also to help calm yourself down.
  • Life Changes. Life is change, there is no other way. However, most people were not taught how to handle regular change. Much less are we taught how to handle tragedies, job loss, traumas, illnesses and death of a loved one. There are a mixture of feelings that emerge when change occurs and some people who have not learned to understand their emotions use food to comfort themselves or cope. Even when good changes occur such as a new lover, a wedding, having a baby, buying a house, getting a promotion, starting a business,etc., occurs people turn to food for comfort. Part of the reason is that it is much easier to just eat than to sort out how you are feeling about the change that is happening. Plus some people rather not let themselves feel what they are feeling because they are afraid of their emotions.
  • Boredom. Instead of finding ways to engage themselves in activities that will be fun and stimulating, people turn to food to pass the time.
  • Lack of love or meaningful relationships. These people can't stand feeling alone and use food as a replacement for love. It could be they are alone because they are shy. Also it could be because they are afraid of emotional intimacy so they isolate themselves. Whatever the reason, when they feel alone they eat which makes them feel worse so they isolate themselves even more and therefore make less friendships and repel lovers.
  • Feel the need for protection. Some women who have had negative experiences with men eat to gain extra weight and keep men away from them. This is the only way they know how to protect themselves. Although most women do not do this consciously. A clue that you might be using food for protection is that once you loose some weight and start getting attention from men again, you sabotage your weight loss success by overeating to get back to your comfort weight. Also some people over eat because they have not learned to protect themselves from negative or abusive people and energy drainers so they pad on some weight, subconsiously thinking that will do it.
  • Feel other people's negative emotions. This is very similar to the needing protection point above. However, this one is specifically for empaths. An empath is a person who is very sensitive to the emotions of others. They just don't have compassion for others, they actually feel their pain and some even take on their pain. Empaths are often overweight because they also subconsciously eat to give themselves extra padding between themselves and other people, but also because feeling the emotions of the negative people around them can be so overwhelming they use food to soothe and relax them. A clue that you are an empath and use food to alleviate the symptoms is that when you are surrounded by people for a while, you start craving foods even though you are not hungry and can't stop eating that food once you start.
  • A caretaker who has no time for her own needs. Many caretakers feel overwhelmed when taking care of others and rarely have time for their own self-care. In order to gratify their needs, caretakers sometimes reach for food. They don't recognize that what they need instead is some sleep, rest, exercise, time with friends, or just doing something she enjoys doing away from children and other people she takes care of.
  • Low Self-Esteem. You would think that in order to improve self-esteem issues the first part of the plan would be to improve your appearance as best you could. But actually this backfires. Mostly because people do not compare themselves to realistic ideals. Instead we compare ourselves to women we see in the magazines, movies, TV, etc. Dieting for people with low-self esteem is very damaging because when they can not always control every morsel they eat, they are extrememely hard on themselves and end up developing eating disorders such as bulimia, binges, anorexia, and compulsive eating. And what makes it worse for people with low-self-esteem is that they sometimes unconsiously reach for food to soothe their insecurities. Then they get angry that they sabotaged themselves. This is a big reason why they develop the eating disorders and then have a hard time healing from them. It is a never ending vicious cycle.
  • No reason for living- Not knowing your life purpose. We all desire to feel needed or that our life has a purpose. Some people do not know what their life purpose/calling is and in order to fill the void they use food instead of spending the time to discover what their reason for being is.
  • Depression. I have true compassion for those who sufffer from depression. I will be writing more in future a post about this, but for now work on catching yourself when you are using food to help you cope when you are feeling down. When you remember go for a walk instead. I assure you that once you are done with your walk you will feel better.

Monday, November 19, 2012

We Are All Teachers

"We are all teachers, it does not matter if we want to teach or not-we still teach. Teachers are not just those of us who write books or give lectures, not just those of us who have students assigned to sit in our classes, not just those of us who have initials after our names indicating that we have an advanced degree. Each of us teaches others every day:our children, our lovers, our family members, our friends, our colleagues, everyone with whom we have contact in even in small ways. We teach hope or cynicism, kindness or insensitivity, generosity or selfishness, trust or suspicion, love or apathy."

                    - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


Last week a Principal friend of mine asked me if I would do her a big favor and translate for the teachers on two days because they were holding conferences and some parents did not speak English. I thought it was just going to be for a couple of hours and I also wanted to be in good favor with my friend so that she would allow me to do my student teaching at her school and I could finally complete my teaching credential.

It turned out to be an all day thing and at times it was a bit tiring because I was helping teachers back to back. But I learned tremendously from the teachers I assisted. I realized that the teachers were not only teaching the children academics but also self-esteem, courage, determination, confidence, planning, kindness, cooperation, peacefulness and wisdom as well. I told my Principal friend, "Wow! I got lucky. I had all the good teachers. They were awesome!" She replied, "I have nothing but good teachers working here." I thought about how fortunate the children were. The parents even recognized it. One mom told her daughter, "You are very fortunate. You have two moms that really care about your well being and your future." One mom told me that her daughter went through a profound transformation as soon as she started going to school there and at the age of eight she was already telling her parents she wanted to go to college. Her young sibling said he wants to do the same.

Many of the children commented on how they wanted to be just like their teacher. My experience in grade school was very different. If I had not been exposed to these wonderful teachers all clustered in one school, I would have continued to have thought good teachers were an exception. After my experience at this school I see things very differently.

The teachers weren't teaching by telling the students what to do. They were teaching by example. From what I have heard  from various psychologists, children learn by emulating you. Not by what you instruct them to do.  These teachers seemed to have known this instinctively. However, we are all teachers. We do not have to hold a title or credential.  We are especially teachers to our own children. But we are also teachers to whoever we come in contact with.


"As you come to into your time of wisdom, you must find ways to pass that flame of wisdom on to others. How do you do this? Look for opportunities to share what you have with someone who needs it. If your time of challenge has passed, then your task is to recall your moments of feeling lost, isolated, frightened of what was to come. Look around-you are sure to find someone experiencing that despair or confusion now. Share your strenght and courage with that person Have the willingness to offer your love, your service, your support, and opportunities will present themselves. You won't have to go looking for them-they will find you." - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


I use to believe that I had nothing to teach other than the academics that I was learning at school. But in one of my college classes an Instructor's requirement was to volunteer helping highschool moms with emotional support and career guidance. It was such a joy to have something of value to share with the young women. The Instructor said that the reason she made volunteer work a requirement to pass the class, was because there was a huge need for young women who were labeled At Risk to get out of hopelessnes and helplessness mode which their families and society programmed into them.  And with college students, especially of their same culture and gender, showing them how it is possible for them to change their lives, they begin to delete false programming.


"You do not have to be perfect to share your wisdom. Even if you are in the middle of your own challenges, you still have something to offer. Someone behind you needs your hand to help them take their next step. Perhaps you don't yet know how to climb up the step in front of you, but you know enough to help that person behind you up their next step, upon which you are already standing."


Outside of school I have learned that I am also a teacher. I do not have everything figured out yet. Nobody does, even if they pretend they do.  But in the areas I have healed and grown I am more than happy to share with others. I often come across someone when I am out and about who mentions their challenge and it happens to be something I have mastered and could be of some help. The things I still struggle with I talk to those who are ahead of me in that area. So we are all teachers to someone.


Like my new friend and author said to me, " You could work at Lowes or be a waitress, it does not matter. You are a teacher wherever you work and wherever you are. You do not have to have special title or make a certain amount of money. A person can make more of a difference in the world than some guru or expert merely by his/her presence and the way he/she is with others."

This is so true. A few people like this come to mind. In fact, yesterday I did not get to see my favorite couple because they had a prior engagement and I missed their presence terribly. I wasn't the only one. I kept hearing others comment on how much they missed the sweet couple. It is not necessarily what they say or do. And they do not have any degrees, titles or credentials that I know of. They are just very kind people. Maybe even the sweetest I have ever met. You can't help but feel that you are one of their adopted children when you are around them. With the care and attention they give you and how they inquire about your happiness and well being.  They sometimes surprise me with how quickly they rush to assist you when they find out there is something troubling you.

They are definitely way ahead of me in the spiritual area. But that is why I go to them for support. But there are also many others who seek me out to help them with what they have not yet mastered. That is how things should be and many people are now consciously evolving to. Ofcourse there are still those who are selfish and self centered. But if you work on doing your part to help others, no matter how small it is, by the Law of Attraction others will come to help you.


"Once you have gone through your own challenges and difficulties and come out the other side, you have something priceless to share. When you offer what you know to others when they need it, you solidify and recognize your new wisdom. "

                      
                       - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Light In The Dream

"You who have spent your life bringing truth to illusion, reality to fantasy, have walked the way of dreams. For you have gone from waking to sleeping, and on and on to a yet deeper sleep. Each dream has led to other dreams, and every fantasy that seemed to bring the light into the darkness, in which  no ray of light could enter. And you sought a blackness so complete that you could hide from truth forever, in complete insanity. What you forgot is that God cannot destroy Himself. The light is in you. Darkness can cover it, but cannot put it out."

                                   -A Course In Miracles


While I write a lot about growth, dysfunctional relationships and healing in this blog, the truth is that we are making everything up. Only love is real. Everything else is an illusion. Ofcourse it does not mean that we allow others to treat us poorly. We could love people from a distance if necessary. We could also choose with who we spend our time with. Ideally you'd spend most of your time with like minded people who nurture you and light up your soul.

When I write about anything that is not at the energy of  love and above (See my article Power VS Force II 10/30/12 for more information ) it is mainly for those people who can not yet grasp that everything that we experience which is negative is not real. Also, just because I have known the truth for at least fifteen years now, I too get caught up in the world of fantasy a lot more than I care to admit. It is hard not to with so many people among us who believe that their dreams (or actually nightmares) are real and they contaminate the rest of us who are trying to remember the truth.

But as one of my spiritual friends says, "We attract the people that are of the same energy resonance. We can't trick the law of attraction." So while consciously I may know the truth, my subconscious is still bringing me the people and experiences with the same energy resonance of my childhood. As I am healing my past, the low energy circumstances and people are becoming less frequent. Ofcourse I still have challenges like everyone else. But they are no longer the norm. I have also attracted high energy individuals. Remember, what I mean by low energy are those people who dwell in low energy emotions.  When I write about high energy people I mean those people who dwell in love & above emotions. Again please see articles Power VS. Force  and Power Vs. Force II 10/30/12 for more details.  

Please note that energy is not a made up thing. It is real. We are all made up of energy.  Everything in the universe is made up of energy. Just that we are all of a different energy resonance.  If you need scientific data look into Quantum Physics.

 We form our perceptions during our childhood. Before seven years old we gather data from those around us to understand how the world works. Our parents are our main teachers. We emulate them and soak up patterns, behaviors, beliefs, addictions, energy resonance and perceptions from them. This is important to know. Because the rest of your life, by the Universal Law of Attraction,  evidence of those perceptions will be brought to you which will only confirm the childhood perceptions that you developed as a child.

However, all perceptions of energy that are not love & above are illusions. I have been extremely fortunate to have been meeting those who remind me of this truth. I hope that one day I am able to remember this truth on my own. I have also been taught techniques on how how to get myself back to love when challenging relationships or circumstances emerge. If you would like some information, please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com

I have also written similar articles in the blog section for www.first30days.com

 


 

What To Do In The Meantime

Sometimes it could be frustrating when you have a bunch of things in life that you are working on changing and somehow you feel that all the forces are working against you to stop you. Fortunately when this happens, something always falls on my lap to remind me of what I need to do to survive the meantime experience. What fell on my lap this time was Iyanla Vanzant's book In The Meantime. I openned up to the page that I needed the most for this point in time. Here is what Iyanla suggested we do while we are "In The Meantime".

  1. Love yourself no matter what! Never let what is happening or the fear of what could happen rob you of your ability to love yourself. Realize that your meantime is bound to create confusion in your thinking. However, you must also realize that where you are is exactly where you need to be. You are being guided back to love, to self-love.
  2. Feel what you feel and acknowledge that you are feeling it. Before you reach out to avoid the pain, reach in and feel it. Feel any hurt, pain, confusion, or weakness. Feel your vulnerability, and acknowledge that you feel vulnerable. Once you feel whatever it is that is going on inside you let yourself know that it is perfectly okay to feel it. Do not judge yourself. Do not tell yourself you shouldn't. Feel it! Acknowledge it! Ride it out!
  3. Express what you feel verbally or in writing. You will discover that it is absolutely imperative to express your feelings in the meantime. You must tell someone what you feel. If you try to hold it in, it will choke you! When this happens, more likely than not what you are trying to hold in will spill out in a very inappropriate way, at the inappropriate time. You can save yourself a great deal of stress, and possibly some embarrassment, simply by choosing how you want to express how you feel.Write it out! Talk to a friend! Call Dial a Prayer! But by all means, never try to ignore what you feel or act as if the feelings do not exist.
  4. Get clear on what you want. What do you want to do? How do you want to feel? How can you create the experience for yourself? What is that you believe is keeping you from your experience? What are you willing to do to have the most peaceful version of the experience that is possible? Yes, I know these are more questions, but they are quesions you must ask if you want to get out and stay out of the meantime.
  5. Do not look for or expect anyone to make your meantime better or less painful. You need to spend some time with yourself and gather up the little pieces that you have given away. If you bring another person into the middle of the process as a means of distraction, you could very well misdiagnose the cause of your ills.

"The harder you reach out, the longer the wait becomes. The more you look at others, the more desperate the wait will seem. Not until you surrender the anger, resentment, desperation, insecurities, and fear can the meantime become a meaningful experience."

                                              -Iyanla Vanzant

Self -Parenting


If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you may need to learn how to self parent yourself. The following could be signs that you did not develop in a healthy way, both emotionally and in your psyche.

  • You are codependent if you find yourself needing others to make you happy, whether it be friends, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or children. Codependent people do not know how to make themselves happy. They give to others and focus on their happiness expecting that the other person will repay them and bring them happiness. This is not how it works, we are all responsible for our own happiness. People feel it when you give to them with strings attached. Some people believe that only women have codependent tendencies. That is not so at all. Although the majority of codependents do seem to be women. What I have been taught by my savvy best friend is, "Do not give to anyone unless your own cup is full and only when you can give without expecting anything in return." Learn to make yourself happy. Ideally you are suppose to learn how to do this from your parents, but if your parents are unhappy themselves you end up growing into an adult with a warped expectation of what others should do for you.


  • Developed anxiety. In a perfect world your parents would have taught you how to self soothe without using drugs, food, alcohol, work or busyness. Anxiety is a very serious disorder. It does not only keep you from being the best you, but sometimes you can't even get out of your own room without breaking into a sweat or feeling shaky and nauseous. In my own experience when I have gotten anxious I had stomach problems among other physiological issues. I have healed most of my anxiety, but a couple of days ago I began having stomach problems again. I thought it was a stomach flu.  After doing some relaxation techniques that my new friends taught me, and a beautiful prayer I received last night from a group of friends, I woke up this morning with no stomach problems whatsoever. And because I calmed down I figured out that I had been anxious (not the flu as I thought) and the reason why I was feeling so anxious. Prior to learning the relaxation techniques I would have used workaholism, busyness, inappropriately overcared about someone else's emotions and/or life in order to suppress my anxious feelings. Or I would have used food to sedate myself. No surprise my life had been so imbalanced and unhealthy for so long. 



The following is a list of causes of unhealthy self-parenting.
  • depression
  • emotional eating
  • needyness
  • emotionally challenged
  • overly critical of self or others
  • perfectionist tendencies
  • workaholism (since this is encouraged by society, especially employers, most people do not realize they have a problem)
  • useless busyness
  • caretaking while ignoring your own needs
  • martyr
  • victim
  • bully
  • pattern in attracting unhealthy relationships
  • OCD- Could be difficult to become aware of this one because ususally it is disguised as a good thing.
  • low self-esteem
  • lack of self confidence
  • addictions; drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, food or even to people.

To learn more about self-parenting and how you might have been affected growing up an alcoholic household please read  Dr. John K. Pollard's Self-Parenting or John Bradshaw's Homecoming. There are many books and resources out there on self-parenting. But what I like about these books is that not only do they help you understand why you have developed certain negative behaviors, beliefs, and bad habits, but also they show you how to turn things around by teaching you healthy ways to parent yourself.

"The harsher your outer parenting is as a child, the harsher your Self-Parenting will be as an Inner Parent. The most damaging outer parenting by far seems to be that given to the children of alcoholic parents. The coping mechanisms and defense patterns required by these children for survival are equivalent to those needed by concentration camp survivors. These emotional patterns and psychological issues are extremely deep and very difficult to overcome by oneself due to the nature of self-denial and self-isolation required for survival by the victims."

                                    -Dr. John K. Pollard

Friday, November 9, 2012

To Improve Energy For Manifesting


I was recently asked by a person who is struggling with anxiety and depression for tips on how to manifest quicker. As I was going over the list of what she could do, I realized that many of the suggestions experts give on the Universal Law of Attraction are similar to the advice doctors give for relieving anxiety and depression.

The following are tips on quick manifesting. I put an A if it also applies to anxiety. A D if the tip can also be used for depression.


  • A & D - Stay away from negative people (AKA energy vampires). Experts on the Law of Attraction say that our energy resonance is the equivalent of the five people we spend the most time with. So if you spend a lot of time with negative people then obviously you will have a hard time picking yourself up. Also, negative people are full of doom and gloom and if you are already anxious about the outcome of a challenging situation, spending time with these people will only make you feel worse. One of the most important rules on the LOA is to keep your energy positive. You can't successfully do that if you are spending too much time with energy drainers. Some people are vibrating so high that they are not affeccted at all by lower energy people. But us common folk need the extra protection. A friend of mine forwarded a blog video on expert on the LOA and success Scott Bolan, and in the video Scott advises to stay away from low energy people as much as possible.
  • A & D- Stop listening to the news, radio, newspapers or any other negative conversations. The news sells only because people are drawn to negative information. Therefore, the same bad news is recycled over and over. Yes bad things happen, but none of the good things are mentioned. Many people, especially women, are empaths. That means that they are sensitive to other people's struggles, pain and negativity. If you already suffer from anxiety or depression then it is best not to stay up late watching the news so that the next day you can't even get out of bed. This was also mentioned in Scott's video. You might ask, as many people do, "How will I know what is going on around the world?" Believe me you will find out, it is hard not to. I am always kept informed on important issues by bad news fanatics. Especially now with the internet, you can't open up the web page and not get news. Being an empath is a good thing. It makes you a better healer, teacher, spouse, parent, coworker,etc., because of your high ability to understand what others are feeling. The problem is that if you consume yourself with negative information then you are not very helpful to anyone, not even yourself. You also tend to have a harder time getting up once you are down.
  • A & D- Some people have a strong critical inner voice and they are not only filled with negativity about themselves, but everyone else. In order to heal your anxiety, depression and your inability to manifest, you must learn to recognize that the mean voice you are hearing is not yours. You picked it up from your primary caretakers as a child. If you would like more information on how this happens, read Self Parenting by Dr. John K. Pollard. I highly recommend this book to people who grew up in dysfunctional families and especially those who in which one or both parents were alcoholics.
  • A & D - Get some exercise. It does not have to be high impact a walk will do. When you exercise endorphins (natural feel good brain chemicals) kick in and calms anxiety and lifts sadness. It works for manifesting as well because it releases stuck, yucky, energy and you are free from negative emotions which block manifesting of good things.
  • A- Meditate. Meditation is now being recommended by mainstream doctors to relieve anxiety, stress, and high blood pressure and several other health problems. So not only does meditation have health advantages, but it also gets you in a state of mind of quick manifesting.
  • A & D- Pay attention to what kind of TV shows and movies you watch and music you listen to. According to Scott Bolan even non sensitive types are affected subconsciously by negative things you see and listen to. So you will especially feel it if you are an empath. In my own experience, this happened to me not long ago. I normally stay away from certain movies, but this one day I felt pretty content and felt brave to watch The Road. It is a depressing movie and also it put me back into scarcity mentality. You can't manifest abundance of anything if you have a scarcity mentality. Not only that, even though I knew the whole thing was fake, I felt down after the movie and also began worrying about the future. Since then I have realized that no matter how good I feel, it is best to continue to be selective on what I watch and listen to.
Another friend of mine mentioned that the David Hawkins, author of Power VS. Force,  wrote in several of his other books that in order to stay in the high energy emotions of  love & above we must pay attention to who we spend our time with, what we listen to and what we watch.


Please note that I am not a therapist nor a psychologist. What I share in this blog are merely things that I have used for my own healing and growh which could benefit you as well.

Basic Tips For Life Improvement

The following are the first steps I recommend to people who say they are willing to do what it takes to improve their lives; to be their best selves and live the best life.

  • Don't let present challenges bring you down and keep you from pursuing your goals. I agree that when you are putting out fires sometimes you end up being too drained to think about pursuing goals and dreams. However, I have learned that in order to move beyond the challenges you can't let go of your aspirations. When you lose faith in yourself and in accomplishing your dreams, you have less energy to enjoy in life. Which keeps you stuck where you are. It also makes you develop a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
  • Learn to use your challenges and transform them into something positive. We all go through obstacles from time to time, they are part of life. But are you going to let hard times get the better of you or are you going to make some lemonade from the lemons? I read a story in Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, Bad Childhood Good Life , about a woman complaining to her mother about her hard life. She was tired and wanted to give it all up. The mother then took the daughter to the kitchen and put three pots with water and food items to boil. One of them had and egg, the second one had carrots, and the third pot had coffee beans. After half an hour of boiling the items, the mother asked the daughter what she had learned. The daughter did not understand what she was referrring to. The mother explained,"..each of the three foodstuffs had been exposed to the same challenge: boiling water. The carrots went in strong and sturdy and then turned to mush. The egg went in fragile and ulitmately turned hard. And the coffee beans changed the hot water around them-producing a wonderful aroma and a delight to the taste buds. 'So, my darling daughter, when the hour is the darkest and the trials are the greatest, how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot that loses its strenght? Are you the egg that becomes tough and hardened? Are you the coffee bean that influences the universe in a positive, hopeful way?'
  • Get a support group. Often times when you are ready for something new or to grow the people who you least expect hold you back. Although most of them have good intentions, they still keep you from being the best you can be. I recommend you start finding like minded friends to help you through your new journey. These people will give you higher energy advice and help you think outside of the box. My other recommendation is to get a Transition Specialist, because when you are stuck you need someone who could give you an objective opinion in order to get out of the situation you are in an move towards your desires. The Transition Specialist will push you when you have gotten in your comfort zone or are avoiding to do something because of fear. The other reason I recommend that you get a Transition Specialist is that once you have achieved a certain amount of success and growth, you no longer relate to your old relationships, and you could feel pretty lonely. You may ask them for advice, but it could be fearful, biased, negative and destructive. Not necessarily because they want to hurt you, but because they do not know any better. People who are serious about being their best and living their best life, surround themselves with the a positive support group that will help them through their journey.


"Be more in charge of the people you surround yourself with and invest yourself in. Choose groups and individuals who help you be and do your best, not wallow in negativity. Only hang around people who for the most part- nobody's perfect-live the kind of life which you aspire. Surround yourself with good people, even if they are not your family. Avoid bad influences like the bubonic plague."

                          - Dr. Laura Shlessinger

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Challenges Bring Wisdom

"There is wisdom born of having seen so much, experienced so much, felt so much, lost so much, found so much. This wisdom cannot be gained by staying comfortably in the same place, nor can it be won by fleeing from that which is frightening or unpleasant. It is unearthed from the depths of our being as we travel the precarious path of our own personal transformation and rebirth."

                                                   -Dr. Barbara De Angelis




My challenging times have indeed brought me the gift of wisdom. However, it took me a long time to realize that it was so because I was so focused on what was lost instead of what I had gained. It is very common for people to not pay attention on the gifts that are given to us in times of challenge and chaos. Mostly because our world is so focused on external results. However, just because everything looks good on the outside, it does not mean it is all good in the inside.

If you find yourself going through a time of great challenge or a time of transition, I recommend that you read How Did I Get Here? by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. I wish I had come across the book when everything in my life seemed to be falling apart. I would have understood that I was not a failure because I had come across roadblocks, disappointments and was experiencing so much inner turmoil.

This is what Barbara says about times of challenge in her book which inspired me to see my past life with pride instead of shame.


As I have come into my wisdom, I have learned not to define myself by what has happened to me on the outside, but rather by the metamorphosis that has occurred on the inside:


I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path. I define myself by the courage I've found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappointments I've faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how how long a relationship lasted. I define myself by how much I have loved, and be willing to love again.
I do not define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I am not my pain.
I am not my past.
I am that which has emerged from the fire.

Do not define yourself or allow others to define you by what has happened to you or what you've been through. Do not define yourself by your pain or even your triumphs. You are more than that.

You may have divorced, but you are not a divorcee.
You may have a disease, but you are no sick.
You may have been fired from your job, but not without usefulness or purpose.
You may have lost someone or something, but you are not a loser.
You may have falied at something, but you are not a failure.

Your wounds are the sacred temple in which you have been transformed. They are the signs of your redemption; they are not your weakness. They are the road you have traveled; they are not who you are. Do not hide them, apologize for them or judge them. Embrace your scars. Honor them. When others notice them, proudly say:

"This is the remarkable story of how I was made brave and wise."




"This is the one of the most astonishing truths about navigating through unexpected and challenging times: When we finally pass through them, we discover that somewhere along the way, we became much wiser than we were when we began...And although we cannot identify the moment in which we were handed this treasure, it is indeed ours, the reward for our bravery and hard work."


                                            -Dr. Barbara De Angelis

Live With Passion!

"Living with passion means sometimes living on the edge of our comfort zone. We are awake. We are alive. We are feeling- everything. We meet the circumstances and challenges of our life boldy. It's not that we don't feel doubt or fear-it's that we learn to make our passion for growth and truth stronger than our fear. This kind of courage isn't the same as physical bravery. It is emotional courage. Emotional courage allows you to participate 100 percent in whatever you are doing and wherever you are going." - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


About twenty years ago I was listening to a Tony Robbins tape (in those days tape cassettes were used instead of CDs) in which he talked about passion. I could tell from his voice that he was indeed passionate, not only about his work, but life as a whole.  He enthusiastically encouraged us to live with passion. However, I had no idea what passion was. I didn't recall ever feeling it. My life at the time was very gloomy. I worked at a job that was very secure (or so I thought), but I did not like. The romantic relationship I was in was no longer in the infatuation stage so some ugly behaviors and patterns began to emerge between us and our relationship was dying.

It wasn't just my work or love life that was lacking passion, it was just about everything in life. At the time I did blame my lack of passion on my work and relationship, but the truth was that I was pretty much lifeless myself and was bringing this dead energy to all parts of my life.

The only time I would become excited about life was when I'd initialy set a goal for myself. But once it was achieved the passion would be gone within a short period of time. I did not know then why this would occur. In fact, it wasn't until fifteen years later that I realized why my life was lacking love, passion, joy, desire and excitement.

The following is what I have learned.

  1. I had suppressed childhood wounds and emotions.  I found out years later that when we suppress negative emotions we also suppress our joy and passion. We might be excellent actors in pretending all is well and that we are happy, but deep inside we know it is a facade.
  2. I worked hard at pretending I was someone I was not in order to fit in with others. I did a pretty good job at it, but I sacrificed my authentic self by doing so. At the time I did not know that there were like minded individuals in this world so in order not to feel excluded by those I spent my time with I put on whatever mask was needed in order to fit in. The couple of times I wanted to share a part of my true self I was ridiculed and made fun of, so I completely hid my true self for a long time. You can't be passionate about anything when you are filled with shame about who you truly are.
  3. I did not follow my heart. Fear kept me over analysing and stressing about pretty much everything. You can not be passionate about life if you live your life ignoring your heart and dwelling in low energy emotions.
  4. My self-esteem was low. When you are not loving yourself it is very difficult to feel passionate about things. You are too busy feeling insecure, inadequate and comparing yourself with others.
  5. I was way too concerned about what others thought of me. If I would ask someone what they thought about me trying something different and they'd say, "That is a waste of time. It is not necessary" or "Who cares that they need help? Do something productive" -I would forget all about the things I was passionate about and only do what was seen as acceptable to those around me. 


Not until I addressed and healed the above was I able to find my passion. The passion came from within, but I was also able to find new external things to be passionate about as well. I finally began to understand why Tony Robbins was able to say, "Live with passion!" with so much excitement and energy but also walk his talk.

Don't get me wrong, I have my challenges like most everyone else and sometimes it is still hard to pick myself up quickly. However, most of the time I feel inner peace and I am content with many periods of delight and passion. The best part is that I have learned to draw these good feelings from within and not depend on externals.


"One certain way to kill your experience of passion is to care too much about what others think. This will cut you off from your intuitive wisdom. The more careful, calculated and analytical we are, the more difficult it will be to be passionate about anything. The only person's opinion that is going to matter to you at the end of this lifetime is yours. To reclaim your passion, you must push past fear of what others think of you and do what makes you think well of yourself."

                                         -Dr. Barbara De Angelis
   



Sunday, November 4, 2012

Through Changes Get Support


"Everyone in your life will not celebrate the unfolding of your authentic self. Some people don't want 'the real you' to please stand up because, believe it or not, they were comfortable with your limitations, your roles, your old denials, all of which get along very nicely with theirs."

                                           -Dr. Barbara De Angeles



When someone comes to me and shares all of the changes that they wish to make in their lives, the first thing I say is to not go through those changes alone. For a couple of years I did this on my own and I struggled tremendously. I felt alone and isolated. Fortunately my intuition guided me to build my support system and find like minded individuals.

Change is difficult even for those of us who desire to improve our lives, it is even harder if there are those around you holding you back and bringing you down instead of cheering you on and  motivating you. There are various reasons why people don't want you to change. Dr. Barbara De Angeles calls them "The Loving Conspiracy". Please see my article The Loving Conspiracy 3/28/12 for more information.


  • As I have mentioned above, the first thing to do is to build your support team. Especially if you have many things you want to change in your life. The best thing to do is to hire a Transition Specialist like myself. I am like Dr. De Angelis wrote in her book How Did I Get Here?, "the horn of the Rhinocerous." Rhino's use their horn for various reasons. One of them is to cut through stuff so that the rest of the body does not get harmed and also for speed to get to things. Many cultures use the horn for its healing properties. So like the horn I have already experienced numerous challenges during my own change process and therefore can not only provide you with short cuts, but also can prevent you from getting unecessarily harmed. Perhaps I could even assist you through your healing using the tools and methods I have used for my own growth and healing.
  • If it is not possible to hire a Transition Specialist at this time, that's okay. You can get yourself at least an accountability partner. You have to be very savvy and selective in choosing this person. This person can't have any serious chemical addictions (smoking is an exception because it does not impair judgement although you or your partner may want to quit this for your health and wellbeing) and must be emotionally stable. Must not dwell in low energy emotions (See my article Power VS. Force) for more information. Your partner must be committed to growth. Their profession or economic level is unimportant. As long as this person holds you accountable for your weekly goals. I believe I hit the gold mine with my accountability partner. In moments when I felt like a failure for my slow progress or was comfronted with external challenges, she reminded me of the huge leaps and successes I had already achieved. She reminded me that while others may not see all the great things that I have done, there certainly has been a great change in the inside and the external would soon follow. I recall that she was the third person who comforted me when old friends had disappeared a couple of years ago and told me to trust that it was meant to be so. I could go on and on about my partner, but then I will never finish my article.
  • Build a mastermind group. I first heard of this in Napolean Hill's classic, Think and Grow Rich when I read the book many years ago. At the time I thought that mastermind groups were only for business people or entrepreneurs so I never really put much thought into building one of my own. But when I felt isolated and alone through my life changes I got the idea to build one in which the only requirement is that the members are committed to growth and healing. My group has been a huge support for me. There were times I wondered what I would have done without them. We meet once a month. However, if one of us needs support in between or just needs someone to talk to we call each other up. My group is very resourceful, compassionate, understanding, helpful, savvy and like minded. While we each vary a bit on some beliefs, we respect them and each other. Again members of your group can't have chemical addictions, have serious emotional problems nor dwell in lower emotions. Otherwise it will contaminate the rest of the group. The point of the group is to support each other through change. When there is addiction involved the group tends to put all of their efforts in helping the addicted person. Which the group is not qualified to help with anyway. Same with low energy emotions. Mastermind groups are not qualified for this kind of help.  However, there is help for you out there.  
  • Start relationships with spiritual people. I do not mean religious, by the way. A good example of a non religious, but spiritual group, is Unity Church. I find it amusing how some people from the Unity church I attend go to their religious church first, but then show up to our church.  I often wondered why that was so. But I imagine the reason they come to Unity church is because they feel so supported, loved, welcomed and the Reverend gives the most interesting and inspiring services. There are many groups out there. You have to try them out and see where you feel you fit the best in.
  • Start you own daily communion with God. God is with us always. You do not have to wait to be with God until Sunday. The week is very long and lonely when your only time spent with God is on Sundays. I can't tell you what spiritual practice to follow in order to have a relationship with God. However, I do suggest that you begin to develop one if you do not have one already. Reverend Ray from Unity church in Riverside recommends daily meditation and prayer. I heard a savvy person say that prayer is to speak to God and meditation is to listen.
  • If possible join a group of people in which you aspire to be like. I say this because you are the equivalent of the five you people who you spend most of your time with. So if you spend your time with people who dwell in lower emotions then that is what you will do as well. I did not make this up folks. I have heard this from many motivational experts, life coaches, mentors, psychologists, successful and intelligent friends, experts on the law of attrraction (they call it Phase Entanglement), spiritual friends and leaders. I am fortunate in that the group I most aspire to be like are from my church group and I get to spend a minimum of once a week with them, but more if I can or choose to.

I will continue to give you tips that could help you through your change process. However, for faster results and for help for your specific needs please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com to set up a phone session. While I hope that what I write in this blog is beneficial to people, which apparently it is, based on the thousands of readers I get a month throughout the world and the numerous emails or calls, I can't tailor the information for what you need if I do not know what those needs are. I also sometimes need to ask questions to give you the best answer or I want to make sure I understood your situation or question and the best way to do that is over the phone. The first session is free and it may be all that you need.

I also write articles in the blog section for www.first30days.com which may also be of some help to you through your time of change.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Be Your Authentic Self


"Sometimes in our quest for self-knowledge we look within discomfort and disbelief at our reflection in the mirror of old values and past choices, and we do not recognize the person we see or the life we are living. Perhaps we realize that what we thought we needed isn't what we need anymore. Perhaps we discover that we're still living a choice we made when we were twenty-one, or thirty-one, and it longer fits. In these powerful moments, we feel compelled to make the outer expression of who we are more honestly and accurately represent our inner self. We are longing  to live a more authentic life."


                                                                - Dr. Barbara De Angelis



It gets to a point in your life when you are so tired of pretending you are someone you are not or  become fed up with going along with what others believe when you know in your heart that it is not the truth.When you begin discovering who you really are you are not okay with keeping up with appearances in order not to make any waves. You also realize that many people love the persona or role you have taken up for so many years, but once you start revealing your true self they dislike it very much and/or it makes them feel uncomfortable.



This is what Dr. Barbara De Angelis writes about what it means to be your Authentic Self:


  • Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
  • Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.
  • Feeling you can be yourself and be loved, rather than having to act in ways you feel will be acceptable to others.
  • Accepting and honoring all parts of yourself rather than hiding or lying about them.
  • Communicating the truth when you need to, even though it might create conflict or tension.
  • Not settling for less that what you know you deserve in your relationships.
  • Asking for what you want and need from others.

While learning more of who I am is 100% better that remaining stuck in roles that have not fit me for at least ten years,  it has been extremely challenging living more as my true self. Losing relationships has been the worse. A couple of years ago I was feeling sad about this and I mentioned it to a spiritual friend. He informed me that while I am mourning the loss, to know that it is natural for this to happen when you have gone through growth and learning, especially as much as I have. He added that those people who are meant to remain in my life will remain and those who are meant to leave it will do so.  It is the Universal Law of Attraction he said. Like attracts like.

I had forgotten about this until yesterday when I spoke to a man (A friend of a friend) I admire for not only his financial success, but also his high spiritual awareness and intuition. In spite of his busy schedule he called me to give me a bit of guidance. While I was only expecting career or business tips, he gave me so much more. He mentioned that in his experience and what he has witnessed from the experience of others is that when people go through extensive growth and experienced spiritual "awakenings"; relationships, circumstances, jobs and environments will change or disappear. There is nothing that you could do about it. Even if you try to hold on or turn things back to how they were you can't do it because your energy has shifted. However, he advised not to judge myself or others for the changes because shame, guilt, criticism are extremely low frequency emotions which block love and this will keep me from living a life that resonates with who I truly am.

 
Being your true self could mean you experience loss of some sort.  But sometimes it just means change. Not many people like change even if the change is a good thing. When I was in labor and about to close the door of my home to head out to the hospital, I recall feeling deep sadness at the thought of what I'd be losing even though my baby was very much wanted and welcomed.  Ofcourse once I had my little guy in my arms all of that sadness was forgotten and all I felt was unconditional love.  My son has been the most important person in my life and I am aware that the time will come soon when he will leave to go to college and while I know I will be proud and the change will be good, at least for him, I still feel sadness when I think about it.  So as you see even when the change is good we sometimes can't help to feel at least some sadness.

This is why being your authentic self could be extremely challenging. We don't like change. We rather pretend that we are someone we are not or that everything is okay just as it is when clearly it is not. The funny thing is that change has already happened in the inside and that is why we keep getting those feelings alerting us that something is off. Some people experience deep depression. Others live for decades in denial.  But we all experience at least some kind of awareness that something is not right when we are not being our true selves.


Only you can decide if you have the courage and strenght to be true to yourself. If you decide to be true to you, I highly recommend that you do not make any changes alone. Especially not any big changes that may potentially cause some pain to yourself or others. Find people who will support you through what is to come. Make sure you choose wise, emotionally stable, positive and level headed people. Allow your intuition to be your guide to find them. They could be family members, accountability partners, friends, support group or church group peers.



"It is unrealistic for us to expect that we will remain the same with the same values, concerns, dreams and needs for decades. It is unrealistic for us to expect that we will not change...Frequently, whether we know it or not, by resisting change, by being attached to our investment of time and energy spent in choices that once served us but no longer do, we have already relinquished much of ourselves-in relationships that are stagnant or passionless, in jobs that are dissatisfying, in life choices that do not serve our highest good." 

                                                  
                             

                                           - Dr. Barbara De Angelis