Enjoy The Journey

" Of course it's good to have things to look forward to. It's good to have goals in front of you. But don't put your life on hold until those things happen. Enjoy each day along the way...Some spend their whole lives trying reach a goal, only to find out it's not what it was all cracked up to be. My friend, the real joy is in the simple things. It's in being with your family, getting up early and seeing the sunrise, taking a walk through the park, taking your daughter to lunch, going on a bike ride with your spouse. Of course, the goals and accomplishments bring us satisfaction, but they are only temporary."  - Joel Osteen

It is true that in life the journey is more important than reaching goals.  Many people who are very goal/success/money oriented forget this. They want to achieve what they want to achieve without considering  how they are living their lives to get there. Think about Scrooge from The Christmas Carol.

I would have been much further ahead in many areas, if I maintained laser focus on my goals and ignored the other roles I play in my life such as mother, sister, friend, etc. I actually was going for my goals at full speed when I realized that if I had achieved all of my external goals, but the cost was not being there for my son and as a result he ended up with a bunch of issues, I would never have forgiven myself. This would not mean success to me at all.

There are people who sacrifice their families in order to get a promotion or pursue their career goals. They may or may not achieve the goals, but will lose their spouse and children if not physically, emotionally for sure. See the movie The Descendants for an example of this scenario.


Others pursue weight loss goals abusing their bodies and ignoring their real needs.  They sacrifice so much in order to be thin, not understanding that how they got there determines if they will be able to stay thin and at the same time be healthy, mind, body and soul.

Some ignore their self-care pursuing goals and then end up so ill they can't even take care of basic needs, much less meet their desires. You need to put self-care first in order to accomplish what you are meant to accomplish in this lifetime.

While I recommend that you set goals, I also encourage you not sacrifice your self-care, and the people and things that are truly important to you. Sometimes we do not realize how important people are to us until it's too late. Don't let this happen to you.


My thinking is, "What is the point of achieving a goal if you end up alone and not enjoying your journey along the way?"  Enjoy the journey. Live life fully. Make sure people know how much they mean to you and that you love them. In the end we do not take anything with us, but our memories and do not leave anything behind, but our love. A Rabbi once wrote that he has never encountered a person on their deathbed who regretted not spending more time at the office. Keep this mind.

"I've talked to many people who have made it to the top in their fields. The one common regret I hear is that they succeeded, but at the expense of their families...Slow down and enjoy the journey right now. Take time for people God has placed in your life. They wont always be there. The Scripture says in James 4:14 that our lives are like mist. We're here for a moment and then we're gone."
                                                                                      -Joel Osteen

Booty Calls

"You gals out there who still think booty calls are the sign of feminism:they're more like the booby prize of feminism. Because booty calls aren't a positive way to embrace your sexuality. They are negative expressions of your low self-esteem. When women ask me how they can turn a booty call into a romantic relationship, I tell them they can't because it's probably too late. If their 'relationship' started in the bedroom it's likely it will end there too. If  the message  you're giving with your behavior is a one night stand and cheap sex, that's all you will get. Saying no to the booty call is the ultimate way to show yourself and the men you're looking to date that you have self-respect."- Patti Novak, professional matchmaker and author Get Over Yourself!

I chose to write about this topic today because it concerns me how many women are still okay with one night stands, booty calls, and sex without commitment. The following are reasons why booty calls are not the way to go.

• Instead of seeing that low self-esteem is the reason you seek out cheap sex, you sleep around which will only damage your self-esteem further.
• To men sex is just sex. There are actually men who do not even have to find you attractive in order to have sex with you. So don't be flattered if a dude wants to have sex with you. Women on the other hand tend to become attached because of a chemical called oxytocin (check it out on the web).
• Any possibility of being in a committed relationship with the person you are participating in booty call behavior with is diminished if not eliminated completely. Because he now sees you as cheap and easy and most healthy men would walk away (after the sex that is).
•  Cristian Carter, a male expert on dating, has an article on catchhimandkeephim.com in which a woman wrote to him asking how she could turn a sexual relationship she is having with a man into an exclusive relationship. His response was, "You can't".  He said that it seems that many women have sex with men without commitment thinking that the sex will push the men into exclusivity. According to Cristian, a healthy man himself, cheap sex only damages the chances of commitment. He also mentioned that on a rare occasion if the guy is a good guy he may come back after some time, if he felt some love/deep affection prior to the sex, but it is a huge gamble. Most men would not come back if you want to change the booty calls into exclusivity. He will just go to someone else for the booty calls since there are so many women readily willing to sacrifice their self-esteem for a dude and participate in casual sex.
• Another reason women engage in booty calls is that they are afraid if they stop the man will leave. Know that this is your low self-esteem talking, telling you that you can't get someone else who is actually worthy of you. He will leave you anyway, once he is lusting over someone else or finds "The One" whichever comes first.
• Women who have low self-esteem think that the only way to keep a man is to have sex with him. That is bullshit. If a man really likes you he will wait as long as it takes in order to have sex with you. In fact, I have a friend who has been been happily married for eighteen years. Her husband did not even get a kiss for a year while they were dating exclusively. If you are still not convinced, read Steve Harvey's book, Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady, in which he assures you that if a man likes you he can wait for sex until you are dating exlusively and you are ready emotionally, mentally, spiritually and not just physically. He also tells women not be stupid in falling for the idiot men who say. "I will just get it somewhere else then." Steve's says your response should be, "Please do", and go on to find the one who deserves your "goods".

See related posts: Don't Confuse Lust With Love 10/26/11; The Truth About Sex 1/14/12.

Mistakes Are Part Of Life

Why fear failure? Every mistake imparts gifts and lessons, each lesson leads to wisdom, and every failure to new achievement. Failures and mistakes are the rungs on the ladder to your potential. If you never fail, you haven't picked grand enough goals.

-Dan Millman, author of Peaceful Warrior


We have all made many mistakes and we are all doing the best we could with the awareness, knowledge and wisdom we have at the present time. Sometimes when I remember some of my past mistakes I cringe. Thinking that if I just would have known then what I know now.

One of the reasons I am so passionate about my work is that I get to help people and prevent them from wasting years making the same mistakes that I have made.

I am proactive with life challenges now. Instead of putting blame on other people or circumstances, I first figure out what I am doing or not doing. I have also gone through tremendous growth and healing within a short time just by learning from the mistakes other people make.

Mistakes are bound to happen sometimes no matter how hard we work on preventing them. It's part of life. Dan Millman says that this is how we sometimes best learn lessons. The important thing is that we do learn from them and not repeat them again and again.

Some people prefer to stay stuck in unhealthy patterns than putting in the effort to change. They know that something is obviously not working for them, yet they continue doing the same thing over and over.

I use to worry tremendously about the people who were repeating destructive patterns. I really wanted to help. But one of the lessons that I have learned is that you can not help anyone who is not willing to do what it is required in order to change. When they are ready, they will receive the help they need in order to do so. But until then it is wasted time and energy to try to convince them to do something different. Which is time and energy that could be used towards those who truly need it and desire it.



Some of us do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Intelligence allows for making new mistakes and learning from them, instead of repeating the old ones. The more we learn, the more adaptable we become and the fewer mistakes we repeat. Learning requires change; change involves losing face;losing face means dying to the old;dying old gives birth to the new. Nothing really changes until we do. - Dan Millman

Mid Life Awakening

"Without recognizing our own rites of passage, we can become more easily disoriented and disheartened on our life journey. We may be in the midst of powerful moments of transition and transformation, but misenterpret these as moments of failure, weakness of character, or even a kind of insanity. We may have no way within ourselves of saying good-bye to the past, letting go of the old and fully embracing the new.And upon emerging from our initiation by fire, we may not even realize that we have emerged at all, or be fully aware of the profound transformation that has taken place deep within us."



                                             -Dr. Barbara De Angelis



My "mid life awakening" has been quite an adventure. There have been things that I experienced that I would rather not have. However, my mid life period has been the catalyst for healing, growth, learning, insights, revelations, changes and transformation. It has also brought me closer to my authentic self.

I can't pinpoint exactly when my "crises" started. I just remember a few years ago beginning to feel as though something was off, but I did not know what, much less what to do about it. I had been so busy with daily life concerns that I had not taken the time to figure out why exactly I felt this way. I then got the opportunity to reflect on my life. What I found was that I was not living based on my values and true beliefs. I was also not being true to myself.

I pretended I did not see the truth for a while because I did not want to make any waves. Until finally it got to the point where I just wanted to scream at the frustration of living a lie. Once I discovered my masks, I noticed those around me living a facade as well.

I learned all the ways I have kept myself from learning the truth about myself and how others do the same. I thought I was just too busy to take time to be with me in order to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. But neglecting doing this only kept me repeating the same mistakes and remaining stuck.

For a long time I even thought I was going insane because my emotions went haywire when I started to get some insights on the truth. The truth heals, but first it will pisses you off, I think Gloria Steinem said this once. The growth has been extensive. There were times I thought I just could not take it anymore. Everything about my life looked chaotic and messy. There were moments I fell for the false beliefs of others and began to see myself as a failure. Fortunately for me I had been building an emotional support sytem for myself and I was reminded of the truth.

To go through a mid life awakening takes strenght and lots of courage. You have to stand up for yourself, your beliefs, values and the truth. Like my sister has told me during my moments of weakness, "At least you are being true to yourself. No matter how good it looks on the outside, most everyone else is living a lie." I suppose the reason I found my courage was because I had experienced what it was like to live a lie and it only brought me deep depression.

My growth, healing and learning process is far from completed. But now that I understand what is really going on, I am quite proud of myself. Even when everyone was against me I hung in there. I can't tell you how good it feels now not to be wearing any masks and to have finally have met people who truly love me, in spite of being my authentic self.

I do not recommend self-reflection and soul searching for the weak. True growth and tansformation is for those who are strong, courageous and no longer willing to live in denial. No matter how ugly the truth looks, I have to tell you, it has been a lot better than living a lie.


"When society has no understanding of these inner rites of passage into wisdom, it wrongly identifies them as something else...The midlife crisis is an experience that is misnamed. It should be called midlife awakening. It is emotional alchemy that rebirths us as a crucial point in our life journey. To dismis this point of great soul-searching as midlife crises is to insinuate that the life circumstances that came before this were 'normal,' and that deep self-reflection and reassessment is some sign of mental instability or temporary confusion, rather than a moment of awakening. Who's to say the life before wasn't a crises? Perhaps it's more accurate to suggest that it is those those who never question their lives, their choices or themselves who are in crises."




                                -Dr. Barbara De Angelis

Scales on a Fish

"Scales have the power to turn a previously depressing day into one with sunshine, and a previously bright day into a miserable one. When we get on a scale we say, 'Tell me, machine, how I should feel about myself today.'...A scale, however, is just a scale- a cold, lifeless piece of metal- until we give it its power. " -Geneen Roth


I was trying to remember how long it has been since I last weighed myself but I just can't remember. However, I know that I have lost weight based on how my clothes fits me. This is in spite of the fact that I do not diet, I am a forty-year-old woman, I gave birth to a son and I do not do streneous exercises. It is not necessary to deprive yourself and watch every morsel that goes into your mouth in order to maintain a healthy weight or even to lose weight. I did not always know this myself.

I was a perfectionist when it came to my body. While I did not have a specific diet plan I was following, I was very strict as to what I was allowed to eat. I worked out daily with no exceptions, even on days I was sick, because I was afraid of gaining an ounce. I would weigh myself every morning and if I had maintained my weight I'd be okay. If I lost weight I'd be happy. However, if I gained weight I felt lousy the whole day.

At the time I did not know that muscle weighs more than fat and that women retain water during certain times of the month. I finally now understand why women my age who were much bigger and never exercised weighed a lot less than I did. I also now know that just because you are thin it does not mean that you are healthy. I heard a story of a woman who is ultra thin, but she is bulimic and anorexic. She has already miscarried three babies. The doctor has told her that if she ever wants to have a child, she needs to learn to eat normally and get her body healthy in order to be able to carry a baby. Even then the doctor is not so sure she could have a baby since she has messed up her body so bad with her eating disorders.


Yet, there are many women who still believe that a diet will make them thin, happy and healthy. I can't pinpoint exactly why I stopped dieting, since I did not know the negative effects on dieting when I stopped. I think that I was just tired of being a masochist and of the deprivation. I still try to feed myself nutritious foods most of the time. But I also enjoy junk food. Just last night my son wanted me to bake a cake for him. In the past I would not have done so in fear that I would not be able to control myself and have some as well. But yesterday, I noticed how peacefully and joyfully I made the cake and made the hot chocolate to go with it. I even had a decent slice of cake for myself with no remorse whatsoever.

Since I do not weigh myself I am not paranoid about everything I eat. I have sad memories of the days I weighed myself daily and I would be so hungry after exercising after work but I did not allow myelf to eat anything because it was after seven in the evening. I went to bed hungry and could not sleep because my stomach would be growling so bad. If I'd give in to my hunger and allow myself to have a tiny apple to quiet down my stomach at least a bit, I'd be worrying that I gained weight. The next morning I would be angry at myself if I'd gained even an ounce. As though a tiny apple could have really made a difference. I know it did not because even when I did not give in and have the apple there were days I gained a couple of pounds anyway. So in order to avoid obsessiveness with food and to stop allowing an object to determine my worth or what kind of day I should have, I just do not weigh myself.



"We make it into an instrument that tells us if we should like ourselves that day or not. And we do that by accepting societal beliefs about the goodness and the rightness of being of lower rather than a higher weight and also by continuing to weigh ourselves day after day. As if you can't tell by the way your clothes fit whether you've lost or gained weight. As if you need punishment to force you into losing weight. As if you weren't a feeling, thinking, capable human being who can decide for yourself what kind of day you're going to have and how you are going to feel about yourself. Throw the scale out. Or paste your ideal weight on it so that when you ask if you're allowed to feel good about yourself that day, it says, 'of course.' "

                                      -Geneen Roth

The Loving Conspiracy

"Sometimes when we attempt to wake up in our own lives and leap forward to new levels of truth, honesty and authenticity, the resistance we encounter isn't only from within ourselves, but from the people around us,- family, friends, coworkers, even our intimate partner. I call this the Loving Conspiracy-what happens when, consciously or unconsciously, those closest to us undermine our efforts to grow or change." - Dr. Barbara De Angeles


These past few years have been a time of immense growth and healing for me. While my life has not reflected it too much on the outside just yet, in the inside there sure has been great change. I mostly notice this when it comes to my emotions. I have feelings of joy, love and peace just because. Throughtout most of life I did not know how to be in such a good place. I always tried to be in the place of true happiness by achieveing goals or accumulating stuff. Ofcourse my ggod feelings were never long lasting.

But now things are different. How I feel inside has very little to do with externals. You would think that my family would be happy for me. Instead I have been coming across great resistance. Also, some of my friends have disappeared. They loved to talk to me almost daily when I had drama about my life to share. But once I began to tell them about how good I was feeling about life, they slowly began to leave.

"We would like to believe that all the people in our life want the best for us. we would like to believe that our friends,relatives, partners, parents and children all want us to shine, to grow, to be the best we can be. When we are confronted with reluctance, resistance, disaproval or even anger from our loved ones at the advent of what we consider a change transformation for the better, it often stuns us. 'How could she/he love me so much and yet be so unhappy with my growth?' we wonder in disbelief. why would people who care for us want to hold us back or keep us stuck in a place where we are obviously not happy?" - Dr. Barbara De Angelis


The following has been what I have learned from psychologists and some of my savvy friends as to why those we least expect are not happy with out growth, healing and transformation:

• People like the outer version of you, but our uneasy with the real you so the prefer you keep the mask on so they will feel better.
• When you change for the better, people are forced to look at their own issues and that makes people uncomfortable.
• It threatens the way they are. For example if someone uses alcohol to deal with life and the spouse suddenly becomes sober, the partner that is still an alcoholic will worry that he too willbe asked to quit.  
• They are afraid the new you will not like the old them. The woman that use to take care of my son when he was one year old told me that her husband became insanely jealous after she lost 100 pounds. They began to have many problems until they finally talked about why suddenly he had become so controlling and mean. However, from what I have heard from many spouses, their relationship deterioted once one of them began to change for the better.  
• Seeing the way you have changed reminds them of all the ways they need to change but they haven't.
• They discourage your wake up calls because they don't want to experience any of their own.
• If they are unhappy following the rules they want you to be unhappy as well. They resent you for being happy especially if you did not follow their rules. Like a friend of mine said, "Yeah when you change for the better family or friends will tell you, 'That's not how we roll, you have to do it our way even if it means you will be equally unhappy otherwise you are not welcome.'
• They are jealous or envious. In How Did I Get Here?, written by Dr. Barbara De Angeles, there is a story of a man who was obese and because he had so many health issues he began to focus on losing weight. He eventually lost so much weight and when he went to visit his family during the holidays they sabotaged his efforts to eat normally and also resented him for going for his morning jog. There is another story of a man, let's call him Max, who was extremely unhappy in his marriage, but he wanted to keep up with appearances. When his friend, let's call him Tom, came out and said that he was leaving his wife and filing for divorce soon, Max became furious. Tom did not understand what Max's problem was. He thought he'd be supportive considering that Max disliked being married too. After several years Max also divorced his wife and was only envious of Tom because he was brave enough to do what he was not yet courageous enough to do.    

"We become especially threatened when other people break undefined but vey important emotional rules. As long as I have to endure my unfulfilling job or loveless marriage, you have to endure yours. As long as I am overweight, you have to be overweight. As long as I have to be in the closet, you have to be in the closet. As long as I have to struggle, you have to struggle. As long as I have to suffer you have to suffer...If my friend can end his incompatible relationship, then why am I still enduring mine? if my colleague can break free from a stifling job and pursue something unconventional but satisfying, then why am I still here bored to tears?"- Dr. Barbara De Angelis


Sometimes our family and friends do not sabotage our change efforts on purpose. For example, if you have been losing weight and your family member or friend is uncomfortable with the new thin you because it reminds her about how much weight she should lose,  every time you go to her house she will try to feed you fatty foods and if you decline she will almost pressure you into eating even though you have explained to her numerous times that you just ate a few minutes ago and you prefer to eat when you are hungry again. Your family member or friend may not even be aware that she is pushing you to eat when you are not hungry. She may believe she is just being a good host.

                                  

"As you become more authentic, more awake, more aware, some people will balk at the new you. This is both painful and perplexing when it happens. It is as if you pushed and struggled and finally made it through the birth canal and much to your surprise and disappointment, your arrival was greeted with this: " I liked you better before, when you were in the womb...Too often , it is for us as we begin to emerge from our awakenings,we rejoice at our hard-earned growth, but our loved ones not only don't share in our celebration, but appear to be punishing us for having awakened at all."

Common methods used when others feel threatened by your breakthroughs:

• Convincing you that something's psychologically wrong with you.
• Creating their own drama or emergency to pull your attention from your soul-searching and on to them.
• Enrolling other friends or family members to talk you out of concerns or feelings.
• Making you feel guilty for your growth by accusing you of abandoning them, feeling superior to them, breaking promises made to them or misleading them.
• Intimidating you by saying other people are unhappy with how you have changed but are not telling you this to your face.
• Scaring you by predicting a negative outcome for all of your new choices.
• Emotionally blackmailing you by withdrawing their love until you change back to the way you were.  

   "It has taken all the strenght and courage we have to battle our own resistance to change. Now it seems we may also have to battle our friends, our family, even those who supposedly love us the most, as we become fully ourselves." - Dr. Barbara De Anglis

Who Takes Care of The Caretakers?

"I finally began to admit that I, too, was more aware of other people's feelings than my own; that I had been repeating the patterns of my childhood without recognizing them...that my image of myself was very distant from other people's image of me; and in short, my childhood years - a part of my life I had thought I walled off - were still shaping the present as surely as a concealed magnet shapes the dust." - Gloria Steinem



Could there be a such thing as over caring for people? Psychiatrists and experts say there is. They call it co-dependency.There are many reasons behind taking the role of a caretaker and I could go into details why I took on this role, but I will save it for another time. For now I want to just focus on writing about how the caretaker role can hinder you.

The following is what I have found out are the drawbacks of being too caring.

1. When you are so concerned with other people's problems and try to help them, you ignore your own healing. From what I learned, this is common among women. We believe that by caring for others other people will return that care, but it is not the case. Actually what happens is that some people abuse your kindess.
2. You enable those who have issues to continue doing what they are doing even if it is harming them. Ofcourse you think you are being helpful, but what is actually happening is that you are not allowing them to grow up and heal their stuff.
3. You run the risk of causing conflict with people you want to help because they are still in denial, don't want your help or they are annoyed with your compulsive attention. Like the Reverend fom my church said on last Sunday's service, we have to trust that our loved ones will find their way and should the time come that they do need help, they also have access on getting that help from people and God.
4. Another drawback is that you attract others who take advantage of you. Such as perhaps a mate who does not care about what your needs are and is only interested in his own selfish needs.
5. You repel healthy people. Healthy people expect an equal give and take and attract others who are also more in balance. Healthy people are not comfortble with always being the takers or always being the givers. On the other hand, people who are selfish and self centered are attracted to caretakers like moths to flame.
6. When you over care for your children, you do not allow them to learn certain lessons that they need to learn in order to become successful, efficient, happy adults. I was doing this with my son. I thought I was just being a good mom. I did not want him to experience any suffering or challenges. In reality while we are on earth this is not possible. We all have to go through our own lessons. By being so into my son's life and over protective I was actually harming him. Also, I was hurting myself as well, because I was so full of anxiety about him it was causing too much stress. I have noticed that many moms do this. I know moms who spent all night awake doing (not helping) a child's school project or running to the store with last minute request from a child. In the meantime, the child missed the lessons of giving himself enough time to do his homework, ask in advance if he is not understanding an assignment or project, planning ahead, and not to mention what he could have learned by doing the project himself.
7. Many people over care because they live vicariously through others instead of living their own lives to the fullest. It is common for parents to do this. Especially mothers do this with their daughters. However, what happens once the child no longer needs you or is done living her life for you? There is nothing wrong with supporting your child's dreams. But are you living yours? "Is there a cruelor way to survive than feeding off your offspring?"-Sarah Ban Breathnatch
8. Some people do not want to be helped. They say they do, but really they just want to play the victims in their lives. You are not helping them see how they get in their own way when you endulge them. Plus you waste precious energy and time that could be used on yourself or someone who actually really wants to change their life.
9. You are so focused on the problems of others that you neglect your own. Sometimes this happens because we have the false belief that the more we care for others the more we will be loved. For some reason caretakers believe that if they are not being martyrs and always being there for others even at the expense of their own health and well being, they will not be loved.
10. You become an expert on everyone else's problems, but you end up having no clue on what is going on with you. You pretty much alienate yourself from your Self. Last year I had been getting many signs that it was time to stop the caretaker behavior, but I ignored them. Until my godfather talked to me and told me that it was time to take care of myself. I have no idea what caused him to say that to me. We were talking about my father and all of a sudden he was telling me that it was okay for me to be there for me. I finally began to listen. Every now and then I still forget and it has taken much practice to pay attention to my needs. But there is always someone or something to remind me that it is okay to care for me. Like when I talked to Bill last week. Out of the blue he said, "Let go of the false beliefs religion, culture, family and friends that tell you it is not okay to take care of you first. Forget about what others think about it. Feelings of undeserving your own self care will only repel good things from coming to you." Ofcourse it is easier said than done, but I have gotten so much better.

When we are children we develop warped perceptions as to how the world works. Many of us grew up believing the same things our mothers did. If one day you wanted to finally keep some toy just for you, it was snatched from your hands to give to someone else and you were told you were a selfish brat. So you end up believing that you have to become a martyr and endlessly give to others even when truthfully you can not afford to- but then you will be loved (so we think). Ofcourse the more it is encouraged by the primary caregivers, the roles and perceptions become more frequent until finally they make up who you are. However, it is not the real you. It is only the mask you have worn for so long in order to get love. Even when you believe that you know better, you end up repeating the same childhood patterns because your subconscious remembers for you that in order to get love you never think about yourself first. So you patiently wait until finally it is your turn to receive and that day never seems to come.