Anger Is Your Friend

Usually we are discouraged from feeling anger, much less is it acceptable to express it. This is why we do not learn how to handle angry feelings other than lashing out or suppressing them. Because of this many people have rage, not just angry feelings. Rage is extremely unhealthy because it is anger that is suppressed for many years and it is like a ticking time bomb, you may explode when you least expect it. It also may lead to illnesses such as high blood pressure, heart problems, maybe even cancer. Anger will also cause you to attract more situations to be angry about. Please remember that when this happens it is because life is presenting this situation to you in order to heal it.

Anger should be considered your friend. Like a friend you have to listen to it to find out what it is telling you. Once you listen to the message you also have to learn to let it go. To let it flow out of your body.

The following are guidelines to follow when anger comes up in your life:

• Ask yourself what it is that is making you angry. Instead of blaming other people for your anger look within to find out what your beliefs are that are causing you to feel angry. We are always projecting our beliefs onto other people. For example, if a woman thinks men are wonderful and a man teases her about something, she will think he is trying to be funny and make her laugh. If another woman thinks all men are jerks, when a man teases her all hell will break loose.
• Learn better communication skills and to ask for what you want in a healthy way. Many times anger is caused by our frustration about not getting our needs met, expecting others to read our minds and know what those needs are.
• Stop being so dependent on what other people think of you. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a saying, "Your opinion of me is none of my business."
• Unwelcomed situations and changes can also cause us to feel angry. We feel life is cruel and God is not there for us. In these cases the best thing to do is to remind yourself that all change is for the better even if it does not look like it. A good book to read if you are going through difficult changes in your life is First 30 Days. I am currently an expert contributor for the author's web site http://first30days.com. You will find articles written by me and other experts in the blog section that may be helpful to you.
• Learn when it's time to let go and let God. Sometimes we want to manipulate people and circumstances that can not be manipulated. Saying the serenity prayer helps me surrender in times when I find myself wanting to control or manipulate something that I have little to no power over. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
• Speak your truth and speak from the heart. Many times we do not say what we want to say because we are afraid to lose a person's love or friendship. But you must honor yourself always. In the most loving way you can, say what is in your heart. You have to be brave enough to stand up for yourself and not be afraid of losing that person. If they do not like that you are honoring yourself and speaking your truth then you do not need this person in your life anyway.
• When you are so angry that you are not able to do any of the above, release some of the anger by running, walking, aerobic exercise, high impact dancing, punching a pillow, writing or screaming. The screaming I do not like too much because if you are not alone or the windows are open, you can scare your child, pets and neighbors. Then they get all worried about you or think you are nuts. But if you really need to do it, scream into a pillow. And also when you write in your journal and you are not feeling any release..stop.  It is probably because you are  rehashing what caused you to be angry instead of releasing the angry feelings. In a future article I will share with you the method I use to write down my feelings and then release them.
• Talking to a friend or family member sometimes helps, but other times it could make things worse because friends are biased and can get you even more angry at the person or situation. Other times they are thinking only about what serves them and they are not really supportive of your need to be heard. Some people are just plain ignorant. They could actually make you feel guilty for being angry and tell you that you do not have the right to feel what you feel. Part of healing is to learn who the wise and supportive people are. These people will compassionately hear you out which will help you release what you feel. If you have gotten negative results with a person in the past, don't go back to that person for support. You are only setting yourself up for more pain.
• Anger can also be a catalyst that will push you to make changes to improve your life. For me this has been the case. It has led me to new like minded friends, positive circumstances and peaceful situations. Without anger many people settle for a dull, unfulfilling, chaotic, boring, stressful and meaningless life. Use the energy of anger to propel you to improve your life.
• If you do not have positive support, I recommend that you hire a Success Coach and if needed a therapist. If you can't afford one, there are many wonderful spiritual people who can help and do not charge a thing. Some of us were burned by religion so we rather stay away. But I have found that Unity church is very different. Even before attending services, I visited a spiritual leader at a Unity church when things in my life were too difficult and I did not have anyone present for compassionate support. I now consult with the Reverend at the Unity church I recently started attending. I have received wise, spiritual and practical help from both spiritual leaders at the two Unity churches. I left the consultations feeling at least 95% better than when I got there. So try it out and see what you experience.

If you live in the area, check out the church I attend, see this site to get the address www.unityriverside.org. Reverend Ray is very supportive and compassionate.   If you need a consultation his number is on the church's site. If you would like a free session from me, I could be reached at carbajalzulma@gmail.com

Romantic Relationship Lessons

I spent many years thinking that I had bad luck when it came to relationships. Upon reflection, I have realized that a big part of the reason I believed this was because my mother would tell me frequently that I had the same luck she had with men. I do not blame my mother, she did not know any better.

What I finally discovered was that attracting dysfunctional or unhealthy people had nothing to do with luck, but many other factors. I am glad I understand this now because prior to knowing this I had a feeling of hopelessness and spent years of my life with a closed heart and not dating at all. I made the excuse that I was too busy to date. But in reality, I was avoiding finding out what was going on in the inside.  If you have negative results when it comes to relationships see if any of the following applies to you.

• You will attract people with the same spiritual, psychological, physiological, and emotional resonance.
• You carry in your system certain tendencies from childhood and you will attract people who will make you relive scenarios from your first family. We do not usually do it consciously. Example, you may be attracted to someone and that person may seem perfect at first, but after some time of dating you find out he is not emotionally available just like your father.
• Life is a classroom and there are people that come into our lives because they will teach us what we have to learn. If we do not get the lesson the first time, the same type of person will come into our life until we do.
• Sometimes people come into our lives because there is something we are meant to do with that person. Such as have a child together. Or maybe build a business.
• Relationships are meant for healing and growth. Once you have grown and healed as much as you could in the relationship, it will then deteriorate. But until then, you will have a need to be together.
• Your beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes attract a certain type of person into your life.
• If you self-esteem and self-love is not healthy you will attract people that will make you feel worse.
• Certain relationships are stepping stones to "the one". The person you are meant to be with has his share of stepping stones. You will meet once you are both ready.

You may now know what areas you need to work on in order to attract true love. If you don't do the work, you will  keep repeating the same romantic scenarios over and over. Remember it has nothing to do with luck. It has to do with attracting into your life someone who resonates with who you really are in the inside. You can't fool the Law of Attraction.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

Happiness

"Success is how you collect your minutes. You spend millions of minutes to reach one triumph, one moment, then you spend maybe a thousand minutes enjoying it. If you were unhappy through those millions of minutes, what good are the thousands of minutes of triumpth? It doesn't equate. Life is made of small pleasures. Good eye contact over the breakfast table with your spouse. Happiness is made of tiny successes." - Norman Neale


I use to be like most everyone else and postpone my happiness until I reached a goal or acquired something like more money. But now that I am getting older I realize how many precious moments were wasted. There always seemed to be a reason why I couldn't do something that would bring me real joy. Usually the reason involved something to do with work or school. I was either too tired, too busy, too stressed, etc.

But in recent years, and especially this year, I have been asking myself, "If not now when?" I have approached midlife and while I have achieved several of the things on my goal list, I noticed that the most important things and people in my life were neglected because of it.

I don't have regrets, but now I am choosing to do things differently. While I still have much to do just like many people do, I have learned to put my happiness and what brings me joy on top of the list of things to do. What does it matter what I achieve if it is only going to bring me temporary joy. Sacrificing the little things that make me truly happy is not worth it.

Today I was thinking about this a lot. Normally I have been too busy to have my son's friends over. He goes to their homes plenty, but usually I am the busy parent who never seems to have time to have the kids over.  But today I said,  "Screw it.  If there is not one reason it's another why they can't come over. Tell them to come over today after school."

This simple decision has not only brought me so much joy, but I can't even begin to tell you how happy the boys are, especially my son. When I hear them laughing, joking and playing with the dog it fills my heart with warm fuzzy feelings.  I was looking back at all those times in the past when I would tell my son I was too stressed out to have people over or the times I did have his friends over, but I was so overwhelmed with stuff I was not really present. I am so glad I do not do that anymore.

No matter how busy I am, I have learned to dedicate time during the week to spend with my son. He is the most important person in my life and when my time comes to pass on, I want to make sure he knows that.  And that he is filled with joyous memories of our time together.

I also make time for me now. This is new. I never seemed to have time for me before. But somehow I always had time for everyone else. This "me" time is so precious and I feel deprived when I don't get at least a few moments to do something that brings me joy. The things that bring me joy do not cost a thing and most do not take much time at all. So there really is no excuse to postpone my happiness until I reach my goals.




"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

                                                                    - The Cockle Bur

"Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling."
                                                   
                                                                   - Margaret Lee Runbeck


"It's not easy to find happiness within ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
 
                                                                    -Agnes Repplier

Are You Struggling?

Often we struggle so that we can experience what we are meant to experience here, learn from the challenge, and then teach others to do the same. A Course In Miracles teaches that the challenges that we experience are so that we can speak the language of those in pain in order to assist, support, and teach them to heal and transform their life. Without the challenges we would not know the language and would not be of much help to those in need.

While I would have prefered not to have struggled in my life and I would have liked to have had a better childhood, I could see how my past experiences have been useful to teach others. If I had the perfect life, I could not be doing what I do now to help others heal and grow. Even knowing the truth about life and sharing with others does not help those who are not ready to hear it at this time.

Let's say I had a client who was going through a difficult divorce. Imagine if after she had tearfully explained her painful experience I would have told her, "Forget about it, it's only an illusion. There is no pain." How would I have helped this client with telling her the truth? Actually I probably would have made things worse.

Because of my own past pain, illusion or not, I am able to better help others through their difficult experiences. I've had friends and some family members who seem to be living a charmed life and their childhood was all happy and fun. When I had gone to these people in the past for support, they just did not get it. They were not able to help at all. I would indeed feel worse than before I spoke to them.

In her book When Food Is Love, Geneen Roth wrote that her husband had the perfect childhood. His mother was so nurturing, attentive and loving she even made him shoes. No surprise he turned out to be a happy go lucky guy. When Geneen would have an emotional problem that was connected to a painful event in her childhood, he tried to understand, but just didn't. In fact, on one occasion he asked her, "Did it ever occur to you that your fascination with the dark side is not particularly healthy?" Geneen replied, "If I am fascinated with the dark side, as you call it, that's because the dark side has had so much power in my life. It's what I haven't recognized and felt that has dictated so many of my feelings about myself and my work and relationships. The more I move the dark side into consciousness, the less pull it has on me. I don't like mucking around in pain, but I'm willing to do it because it's the only way I know to become whole. And who knows what would happen then? Perhaps I would become the kind of person who would make my children shoes."

I don't agree with rehashing old pain to no end. But the pain does need to come out in order to heal it and release it. When we suppress or hold on to pain it creates havoc in our minds, bodies and life. Sometimes in order to heal for good you need support from a person who can understand what you are going through, but who is also able to teach you how to heal and release it for good.

If you would like support please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com. The first session is free.

I Know The Truth But Don't Believe It

"I know the truth, but I don't believe it" was said by Helen Shucman,  author of A Course In Miracles. A couple of days ago, I got together with my new wise friends and we watched a movie about Helen and how A Course In Miracles came into being. It was a long movie, about three hours, but I felt as though what was said in the movie was directed at me and I was mesmerized the whole time.

It is strange but I know what Helen meant about knowing the truth, but not believing it. My ego is still trying to hold on to my past life story. My ego is reminding me of all of the hurts and pain caused by others ever since I was a child.

But the truth is, that none of it really happened. Our life on Earth is an illusion. If you have seen the movie The Matrix you will understand what I am talking about. While the movie is fictional, there is truth in it. The truth is that we create our world and it is really a dream, an illusion. Ofcourse it does not feel that this is so when you are in the middle of  a serious challenge. But it is the truth.

This is why I say that I understand what Helen meant. I know the truth. I've known it from as far as I could remember. Yet there have been many times that I reacted as though I did not know. I actually remember times when I was a child and spent a lot of time observing others, especially my parents, and wondered why they reacted in such negative ways. I then figured that this is the way you did things on Earth. So I began practicing acting like my parents did. I became especially skillful at emulating my mother. Now it seems weird that I did that. It was almost as though I was trying to get into character for a movie and was carefully trying to copy the real person the movie was going to be about.

I knew it was silly and not real, but I did it anyway. Then as time went by I forgot that it was not real. I had even forgotten about the times I watched my parents behave in negative ways and copied them knowing it was silly.  I remembered when I started reading psychiatry texts and other books explaining how we develop our beliefs, behaviors, attitudes, reactions, etc.  It is strange for me to actually remember the process of emulating my parents to learn how to be a people.

Now the challenge for me and many others is to unlearn what we learned and to remember the truth. My journey has not been easy, I often slip.  But surrounding myself with my new friends is helping me believe what I know is the truth.

Harvest Time

In the past couple of weeks I've had a knowing within telling me it was time to clear out the old to welcome the new. This is the reason some funky stuff I thought I had healed resurfaced. Now I understand that I need to truly heal and release what is keeping me from my highest good. As I mentioned in my previous article, I often get a knowingness that I need to do something or I am contemplating an idea or an insight and all of a sudden I get an outside source to comfirm that my intuition was correct.

Since last week, I received at least five messages from outside sources stating that Autumn is the time of clearing the old that no longer works or is dead in order to plant new seeds. This is the season in which many things will come up to be healed, but also a time when the energy of transformation is the most powerful.

I will share with you the steps that I am taking in order to benefit the most from this time of harvest.This way when the Spring comes, the seeds will grow and then they will bloom.

• I am letting go of old reactions, beliefs, relationships, that are keeping me stuck in old patterns.
• I am replacing my old ways of thinking and doing things with things that have been proven by many successful people to work.
• I am reminding myself that I need to replace the old with the new quickly, otherwise the old will come back to haunt me again.
• I am taking Aware action towards my goals and desires. No more busy work or doing things because someone says I should or that my childhood programming and false beliefs tell me I should.
• I am getting out of my comfort zone instead of allowing old and false fears manipulate me into not going for what I want.
• I am developing a support team of spiritual high energy people who will support me through this time of growth and healing and who will guide me back to my truth when I start going astray.
• I am balancing my yin and yang energies so that I do not begin my workaholic tendencies and forget about my health and well being.
• I am doing as much as I could get done throughout the day, then I am allowing and trusting God to take care of the rest. Regardless of the ignorant beliefs of others that I should be doing more.
• I am practicing balance in all areas of my life. No more spending endless time working and having no social life. 
• I am letting go of the tendency of getting stuck in a role. Such as the caretaking role. I will remind myself that I am a multidimentional person and I will behave as such.
• I am letting go of expectations I have of other people, who will never be a positive influence in my life, in order to avoid getting hurt or disappointed repeatedly for the same reasons.
• I am protecting my energy from energy drainers and negative circumstances because I know that by doing so I will maintain being my happy self and therefore manifest my desires.
• I am staying connected to God so that I could better hear His guidance and so that I have the energy for growth, healing, and transformation.
• I am reminding myself that there will be some time of darkness, but it is okay. If I continue to practice the above steps, everything will work-out fine.       

If you would also like to get the most out of this season and could use some positive support, please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com.  Regardless if you contact me or not,  use  this powerful energy of transformation wisely so that you can receive the fruits of your labor in the Spring.

We All Have Faith

"I had lost religion...but discovered spirituality."

                            -David Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.
 


This past Sunday I went to a new church.  Prior to this, the last time I deliberately chose to go to a church was fifteen years ago.  I did go to church two years ago when my father passed away, just to pay my respects to family solely because that is what my dad would have wanted, even though I did not want to be there. I do not believe many of the things my family's church teaches so I stay away.

I have done much learning and healing in my life to realize how ignorant and sometimes even dangerous to humanity religion could be.  But this Sunday I found my people. It amazed me how many of the topics that I write about in this blog were covered during the service. I would like to share with you some of the things Reverend Ray shared with us.

Perception
What you perceive will be your experience. As I have mentioned in many of my articles our perception was developed as a child. However, children are not able to analyze and determine whether what they are experiencing, hearing, and seeing is the truth. All they know is that in order to survive they need to emulate their parents as much as possible.

As we grow older many of us realize that their way (meaning our primary caretakers) was very ignorant, dysfunctional and a lie. However, there are core beliefs that remain with us at an unconscious level. For example, let's say that as a child one or both of your parents told you that your value was determined on how selfless you were even if it meant sacrificing your own well being. When you get older you will have a hard time saying "no" to others even when you really want to. But you are afraid that they will perceive you as unworthy and selfish. When you do sum up the courage to say "no",  your experience will be that the people you come across will consider you to be unworthy and selfish because you are not doing what they think you should be doing.

This experience will only change when you change your perception. I finally understood this concept recently when I was being judged by others within my family and by a couple of my friends. I had been spending extensive time with my critical mother and subconsciously I was absorbing her views even though consciously I know they are distorted.  Because part of me still held the perception that her negative opinion of me may be right, the day after she left I began to experience the same negativity and criticism from people I normally get along with and who are usually very supportive of me.
 
Rev. Ray reminded everyone that when someone judges you or criticises you it is their perception and not the truth. But also that your perception can keep you experiencing the same negative circumstances unless you remind yourself  that your perception needs to be altered in order to experience something different.

We All Have Faith
Ray declared that everyone has faith. The problem is that we have faith in the wrong things. Some of us have faith that we will never get a job or life partner. Or that we will get sick like our parents.  We may have faith in positive things, but it is very little faith. Maybe you do believe you will find your life partner, but a bigger part of you believes that you wont.

You need to do what you have to do to increase your faith in the good and positive. Stay away from negative people and situations as much as possible. Find people whose faith is strong in what is good and real. Some of us were raised in extremely religious ways, however we were never shown to have true faith and to maintain a relationship with God even when it is not a Sunday. Instead we were taught to fear God and consider ourselves unworthy of His blessings. This is a distortion of the truth. Many of us are just now learning how to fully believe and trust in God.  It has been a challenge because of the negative wedged in beliefs of our past.

Feed Yourself Spiritual Food Regularly
It is crucial that we all do this because we are experiencing a time of great change. We need to feel connected to God in order to reduce the stress and fear that this transition is going to bring up to the surface.  We are surrounded by ignorant and negative people and in order to protect ourselves from these low energy people we need to keep ourselves plugged in to God. Ofcourse God is always with us. We just forget when we get caught up with the heavyness of life. But if we regularly feed ourselves with spiritual food we wont be so affected by the negative things in life.

Follow Your Inner Guidance and Take Action
We all have the answers within. No need to buy another book, product, seminar, etc. Ray said we don't even have to go to church to get answers. It is good to seek out outside sources and attend church for support during these hard times. But remember that most of what you learn from others is not really learning. Outside sources are more like reminders of the truth. If the information from others resonates with your heart and soul then it is your truth.

In my own experience, when I am contemplating a thought, insight or idea, I suddenly get the information from an outside source. At first this freaked me out. But now it no longer surprises me. In fact,  this is exactly what happened during the service on Sunday. I was reminded of what I already knew. Sometimes we do need these reminders, don't we? Many people do not take action because they do not know what the end result will be and they are afraid of not knowing. But is  important to take action. If you keep getting gentle nudges to do something or go somewhere, you do it. I have not always gotten the results I thought I would get when I followed my intuition, but I am learning to trust that whatever the reason was, it was for my greater good.

 I have learned that God does not normally tell us the whole reason and the results of following a certain path. We are guided in little steps. Once you are done with one step, you are given another step, and so on. Don't do anything crazy though until you learn to determine if it is God speaking to you or your ego. Most people can not tell the difference between the two. I made many serious mistakes thinking I was hearing God when it was actually just my ego.


I will probably write some more in the future about Rev. Ray and about the new friends I made on Sunday. I have a strong feeling that many of you will find their insight and wisdom beneficial which will serve as reminders of your own truth.

If you would like more information on this article, please email me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com. You can also visit the the church site at http://www.unityriverside.org