Avoid Toxic People

What kinds of people do you allow into your immediate space? When you allow toxic people into your immediate energy field, you will find that your feelings of well-being diminish. Just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face, you increase you chances of getting sick, you must be careful about whom you elect to associate with to avoid contaminating your life energy."

                                                               - Dr. Wayne Dyer


I have been learning much about energy these past few years. Mostly I have been focusing on keeping my energy positive. My experience has taught me to notice right away when I am near toxic people. Before I was  not aware of how many negative people I spent time with. All I knew was that I did not feel so good when I was around them and I felt depleted once they left my space.

The following are the results of spending time with toxic people.

1. Your are prone to getting physically sick. You are more likely to attract a cold and may even get something as serious as cancer.
2. You feel more anxious, depressed, worried, afraid,etc. Toxic people dump their negative energy emotions on you.
3. Your energy is so depleted you can't pursue your goals.
4. Your energy becomes so low you can't attract good things into your life such as a job, a love relationship, good friends, health/healing, etc.
5. You may end up gaining weight because you are subconsciously trying to protect yourself from the energy of toxic people.

Dr. Wayne Dyer recommends that we say good-bye, albeit with unconditional love,  to relationships that pollute our life space.  He says we could neutralize the negative energy with stronger energy,but that the "effort required exhausts you and that the level of fatigue makes you susceptible to lower energies."

It sure has been true in my experience. However, there are certain toxic people that can not be eliminated from your life, or at least not immediately. This is where I found my challenge until an author friend of mine taught be a technique to regularly clean out my energy. If you would like to learn this technique please email me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com.

The Smile Test!

"If you want to find out how much you care about him, ask yourself how often he makes you smile. I don't mean by entertaiining you, by telling jokes or acting like a clown . I mean by being himself. If being with him makes you smile with pleasure, if hearing from him makes you smile with pleasure, if thinking about him makes you smile with pleasure, you must really care. And there is a very good chance you care enough to call it love. Give him a point on the love scale." -Dr. Georgia Witkin

Here is a list of 10 ways you can tell when it is real love or at least the relationship is moving towards real love.

• You have a perma grin.
• Your friends tell you that you have this "glow" ever since you met him.
• You light up when he comes in the room or you talk to him over the phone. Even when having a bad day you are recharged with energy after a few moments with him.
• He accepts your idiosyncrasies as part of the package.
• You can be yourself around him and know that he cares anyway.
• You are past the infatuation stage, but the "lighting up" part lasts.
• He makes plans in advance to see you regularly even if he is super busy because he wants to be around you as much as possible. "Men in love are thinking ahead and worrying about someone else tying up your time first." - Dr. Georgia Witkin
• He wants to be part of your life and do things he would not normally do in order to just be with you. He will also want to meet your family and friends. He is nice to them and tries to talk to them because he wants them to genuinely like him.
• He wants you to be part of his life and includes you in his plans. He will introduce you to his family and friends and he will be the same guy around them as well. Example: He wont be cold and distant if he is normally warm and affectionate when they are not around.
• He finds you "perfectly lovable" even when you are in a grumpy mood.

"If you are natural around him, you must trust him to know that you're are perfectly lovable and love him enough to test him. Don't make the mistake of thinking that becoming comfortable means that you are 'just friends' or that attraction and passion are at an end. Real love stands the test of time and the 'true you' test, because it makes us want to stay together long enough not only to have children, but raise them, too-and enjoy each other after they've grown." -Dr. Georgia Witkin

Advice For Choosing A Mate

There is much ignorance out there on what to expect in a partner in order to be successful in maintaining a long term healthy relationship that could be considered adequate for marriage. Some people seem to have the scarcity mentality and think that you must settle or you wont get another chance later. But I did a little research and contacted friends, both male and female, who have been happily married long term in order to get their opinion. The following is the advice that was given to me.

• You should be choosy and never settle, you are never too old.
• To be tied to someone in marriage requires that you be satisfied with your decision otherwise why get married to that person? It only sets you up for problems in the future.
• I disagree with people who have the "You must settle because.." mentality. Sometimes it bothers people that you can have standards and be patient and they can't.
• You deserve and actually should be choosy.
• Before considering to commit to someone think, "If this person never changed, would I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her?"
• You should like things about the person that are important for a long term healthy relationship. If you can't stand the way he smells or taste when you kiss, that is a giant, red flag.
• He/She needs to bring the best out of you, not the worse.
• Be cautious of people who put you up on a pedestal. They are just infatuated. Real love is about a person recognizing your faults and loving you anyway. The person that is infatuated will leave you after the infatuation bubble burst and he realizes his fantasy does not match the real you.
• One of the most important attributes in your perspective spouse is his/her willingness to learn and change in order to meet your needs.
• If you are fascinated by the silent type, later don't complain that in your married life you can't get him to talk.
• Don't get involved with potential. What you want must clearly be there.
• You must have similar spiritual views and respect each other's beliefs.
• Common goals or at least able to support each others goals. Be proud and and believe in each other.
• Be cautious of those who claim they have all these things in common with you, or all of a sudden develop many common interest. They are just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because they are infatuated.
• Don't fall for peer pressure or family pressure, even if it's well intended. They are not the ones who will be spending the rest of their lives with this person.
• If he proclaims his love for you within a few days of meeting (worse if you have not even met yet), he is full of shit. Wait a few months once he has come down a bit from fantasy world before you make any commitments to him. Love takes time.
• Watch out for those who do not take responsibility for their past relationship failures. They did not learn from their mistakes and are likely to repeat them with you and blame you when your relationship falls apart..with someone like this, it will fall apart. Believe me.
• You have to match, feel a connection, with your partner emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If the four of these are not there, I guarantee you will not be happy with this person.
• He is a small fry, what you need is a Big Mac (This one made me laugh even though I do not know exactly what my friend meant).

As I was reviewing my "happily" married friends' advice, I couldn't help but notice how similar it was from what I had heard from relationship and marriage experts. Which reminds me, be careful who you get your advice from, it can lead you wrong.

I while back I went out on a date with someone and I couldn't stand anything about him. I mentioned it to a friend (now former friend). Her advice was, "I know you don't drink, but have 2-3 beers, a couple of tequila shots, and you should be fine." So Basically she suggested I get intoxicated in order to be able to date him and perhaps even develop a drinking problem. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But at the time my self-esteem was low because of all the challenges I was experiencing in my life. So when she added that I was too picky and was too old and should settle because I will not get another chance, I began to wonder if maybe she was right. Now it makes me laugh, but at the moment she told me this I almost did consider picking up drinking in order to be able to date this man.

So be careful who you get your advice from!

Don't Confuse Lust With Love

For the women who do not know the difference between lust and love.

• When a man is attracted to you it is a good sign that there might be more, but keep in mind that he could be attracted to many women and will sleep with as many of those women as he can. But he will only marry one and it is not very likely it will be with the one he had the one night stand with or participates in booty calls with him.
• Men can lust over and have sex with many women at the same time and not feel any attachment to any of them, much less love. Women on the other hand, release a chemical called Oxytocin (Google it for more information) every time we have sex with a man. Oxytocin is released from the brain while having sex and causes us to feel attached to the man. Wait at least 90 days and until you are in an exclusive relationship before having sex to decrease your chances of becoming attached while he is just having a good time.
• If the man tells you and demonstrates his attraction towards you remind yourself it is just his lust speaking, not his heart and soul. It takes time to fall in love.
• Don't let him lure you into sex until he has demonstrated his love by his actions, not just words. Yes this is super hard when you are attracted to the guy, but you need to remember that protecting your heart is much more important than sex. Remember that to men sex is just sex. It does not equal love. Men do not even have to like nor be attracted to the women they sleep with, so keep that in mind.

..."when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the flowers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex. If he says something stupid like such as, 'I don't need to wait for sex-I can get it from anybody'; you tell him right back, 'please do'. This cuts the riffraff right away. But if your saying no doesn't deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you better and prove to you that he's worthy of your benefits, then he's really interested in you." -Steve Havey

Is He/SheThe One?

Sometimes we get so excited and hopeful with the possibility that we finally have met "The One". The person you met has most of the qualities you have ever wanted. You move super fast wanting to do everything with this person. The other person feels the same way. But as time goes on a bunch of things start coming up and you feel disappointed once again. Yet you are not sure if maybe he/she is "The One" or you are just going through a difficult period.

These are a few guidelines to protect you while dating until you figure out if he/she is "The One" or not.

• When you first meet someone and you believe it is love at first sight for both of you, pause and remember it is more like infatuation at first sight. This person can do no wrong when you first meet. Infatuation can last a day, a few days, a month, maybe months, possibly even years. But wait and see what happens once infatuation is over before you have sex, move in together or make any other major commitments.
• Pheromones, hormones and other chemicals produced by the body are at play as well. You believe it must be love if you are so attracted to each other. This is common, but it's just your hormones and pheromones. Pheromones are an individual's signature human odor. It seems mother nature has the perfect pheromones for each of us to attract a person that will make a good match in order to procreate. While pheromones are an indication of getting the okay from mother nature, it is definitely not the only thing that matters when picking "The One" if you want it to be a lasting, healthy relationship.
• Trust your intuition. Many people ignore their intuition because they get so caught up in the fantasy and possibility that a person they have met could be "The One". A lot of times it is our ego that is giving us false information. Spend some time consulting with your intuition. If you can't tell the difference between your ego and intuition please contact me and I will share that information with you.
• Go slow in the relationship. If you are meant to be together the relationship will pass the test of time. It gives you an opportunity to see the real person. Once he/she has gotten comfortable his/her true colors will come out. You will see if he/she has certain tendencies and characteristics that are definitely not for you. Also, no one could hide serious character flaws for long, so if you slow down you will find out if he/she has any before you are in too deep.
• The person that is "The One" will match up with you spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Most men and some women (although we are rapidly catching up to men) are only looking at the physical aspect. Some people do ensure that there is an emotional or mental connection as well. But it is very rare for people to wait until they find someone that they connect with on all four levels. Then they wonder why things do not work out.
• We all have our moments when we are not our best selves. Consider if your partner is having one of those moments or if it is a permanent thing. Keep in mind that if your partner is in any way abusive (physically or emotionally) or is dishonoring you, there is nothing to consider..stay away from him/her! There is no excuse for abuse. The excuses a person gives for being abusive are ignorant and only low frequency people think that way.

Real Love

Infatuation is often confused with real love. Infatuation is when you feel sparks and sexual longing towards someone you don't really know. Infatuation could be the beginning of real love, but often times it is not. Sometimes the reason for this is that once the infatuation stage is over, people think that they made a mistake in selecting the person as their mate.

What is actually happening is that you are given an opportunity to choose your partner as someone to grow with and develop real love. Real love can be very passionate as well, but in a calm, healthy way. What the movies, television, novels show us, are characteristics of the infatuation stage, not real love. But many people believe it is. So when the relationship they are in is not full drama, craziness, and intensity, they end the relationship without allowing real love to grow.

Also, people believe that real love means always agreeing with their partner. So after disagreements begin, usually right after the infatuation stage is over, they bail out or cause the other person to leave. Ofcourse, no one should stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive, but if the only reason for leaving the relationship is that you are not flying high with ecstasy and passion, consider that you may have unrealistic views of real love.


If your passion for him is making you dizzy and confused, slow down and step back. It might be infatuation and not true love. A good way to know the difference is to examine how you feel. Dr. Richard Levine says that a feeling of insecurity marks infatuation. "You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. It's a bond or attachment that is not entirely based upon reasonable perspectives. It is often accompanied by suspension of rational decision making," he says. If the relationship keeps you off-balance and everything about the man is unpredictable, you may be headed for trouble.

-Janis Spindel, professional matchmaker

In Order To Attract A Healhty Mate...

Many people have things backwards when it comes to love. They believe they have to put their life on hold until they attract "The One". But what I have learned about the Law of Attraction is that first you have to be happy with yourself and your life in order to attract a happy partner.

This does not mean that because you have a happy life as a single that you are not interested or you do not do what you can to attract love to you. But there is a difference between desire and desperation. When your life is lousy or you do not feel too good about yourself, you look for external things to validate you. These are the people who choose partners out of desperation and therefore end up with someone they will not be happy with long term.

When you love your life as a single person, you do not choose the first person who is interested in you romantically. You take your time to decide if the person is ideal for you long term.Your plan is to enhance your life, so you are careful that the person you are with does not disrespect you, add stress to your life, or make your life in any way worse than it is now.

But when you do not love your life or yourself, you are just looking for someone to attach yourself to. This ensures that you keep on avoiding your life and waiting for someone to rescue you from it. This also stops you from taking the time for getting to know yourself and learning to love yourself. Which is the real reason you are not attracting the love that you desire.

You also have to make sure you do not go to the other extreme. Being single because you are afraid of taking any risks, but hoping that one day maybe you'll magically end up with someone. Yet do not do anything to make this happen.

While you can not force love to happen, there are still some things that you could do to improve your chances on attracting love. Please contact on me on Facebook or at carbajalzulma@gmail.com for more information.