Core Self Esteem

"Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You wont die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as a field of conscious Presence." - Eckhart Tolle

Psychologists refer to core self-esteem when you have developed a knowing that you are loved and lovable, valued and valuable, regardless of what you do. When you develop core self-esteem you are not so easily offended by what others do or do not do. You also spend less time competing and comparing yourself with others because you know that you are worthy of love regardless of external situations.

People with core self-esteem know that their value is not dependent on how much money they make, how big their house is, what car they drive, or how attractive their spouse is. Basically people with core self-esteem understand that externals do not mean a thing, what matters is who you are within, the part of the Divine.

The other kind of self-esteem is what psychologists call "situational" self-esteem. People who have this kind of self-esteem never feel okay, no matter how attractive, thin, how much money they make or what titles they have. They are always striving to get more and be more, not for the joy of it, but because they feel less than if someone is doing better than them in one area. People who have situational self-esteem are not happy for the success of others. It does not matter in what area, they do not like anyone doing better than them. Someone with situational self-esteem maybe even feels envious of someone who has experienced more spiritual miracles.

Basically people with "situational" self-esteem spend their life comparing themselves to others and competing with the Joneses. If they are are not doing as good as the Joneses they secretely plot ways on how they could change that. If they are doing better than the Joneses then they are arrogant about it.

Situational self-esteem is developed later in childhood and it comes from learning that we are good at something and in comparison with others we are doing well. However, this kind of self-esteem has many drawbacks if core self -esteem is not developed first.

According to Gloria Steinem, "families and cultures that do not foster core self-esteem-and then ration situational approval in return for obeying, fitting in, serving the parents' or groups' purpose, and doing tasks that are always assigned instead of chosen-produce kids who feel there must be something 'wrong' with their own interests and abilities. They therefore begin to create what psychologists call a 'false self' in order to earn inclusion and approval, to avoid punishment and ridicule. Thus, the small boy who is told to do such impossible things as 'take care of your mother' or 'be the man of the house' is teased and humiliated for showing his vulnerabilities, or agrandized and worshiped for a superiority he knows is unreal, often begins the elaborate construction of an 'inflated' self, which results in the mostly male problem known as narcissism. And the little girl who is discouraged from strenght and exploring, or is punished for willfulness and praised for assuming a docility and smiling sweetness she doesn't feel, often begins to construct a 'deflated' self, which results in the mostly female problem of depression."

Those who grow up in families in which situational self-esteem is not balanced leave behind their true self and sometimes never recover it. However, I believe that part of the reason people go through a mid life crises, or as Dr. Barbara De Angelis prefers to say, "Mid life Awakening", is because we finally become tired of suppressing our authentic selves.

Gloria Steinem adds, "Since no amount of situational approval can completely fill the resulting emptiness inside, the need for approbation and community becomes strong that it can be exploited to make people of age work, compete, and serve in ways that clearly go against their true self-interests. Cultures and families for whom the main emphasis is on roles, comformity, obedience, or just 'fitting in,' and who don't develop and reward each child's full circle of unique talents, are penalizing themselves in the long run. Without that feeling of intrisic value, it's hard for chidren to survive the process of failing and trying again that precedes any accomplishment. It's harder still to enjoy successes once we achieve them or support the successes of others. Indeed, when core self-esteem remains low even into adulthood, no amount of external task-oriented achievement or approval seems able to compensate. On the contrary, the needy child of the past is a kind of emotional black hole into which external rewards disappear-which is why a lack of self-esteem can produce totalitarian leaders for whom no amount of power is enough, grandiose money makers or spenders of inherited money for whom no amount of display is enough, and authoritarian parents or whom no obedience is complete."

Psychology has always fascinated me; learning the reasons and ways that our personalities develop. And also realizing why it is difficult for us to break negative patterns in life whether it be with finances, perfectionist tendencies, workaholism or other addictions. However, the one thing that keeps coming up is that most of our individual, family, social and global issues stem from the abundance of people who have never developed core self-eteem.

It's not too late to develop core self-esteem. If you would like to learn how, contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com