Adult Children of Alcoholics

 I spent many years suppressing childhood issues because I did not believe it was affecting me as an adult. But after learning from my brother's friend, who is an addict councelor, and after reading books from experts on the subject, I have realized the various ways I was affected as a child and why there were certain things still lingering as an adult preventing me from being the best me.

I wont get into details on the different roles that children take on when growing up in a dysfunctional family, especially in one in which one or both parents is an alcoholic. However, I will tell you that experts and psychologists have written that in a healthy family roles are temporary. For example, if the father loses his job and is going through a period of low self-esteem, the mother jumps in and becomes the provider for the family and is there to financially and emotionally support her husband and children until he is ready to get back on his feet.

Or if one child is having a hard time in school the healthy family will unite and try to help that child do better. Basically what happens in a time of challenge in healthy families is that members of the family switch off supporting each other depending on who needs the extra help at the time.

However, in an alcoholic household, there is no switching off because the person who is the addict has a long term problem. So family members take on permanent roles. For example, if the father is an alcoholic the mother takes on the victim and enabler role.

We all play different temporary roles in life. One moment you are a parent. The next moment you are a teacher. But being stuck on a role could be unhealthy. I will give you an example from my own experience.

I took on the role of the Caretaker. Experts say it is common for the oldest daughter in an alcoholic household to take on this role. There is nothing wrong with caring for others ofcourse. The problem occurs when there is a compulsion about it and you neglect your own needs. Caretakers tend to be Co-dependent. As a Co-dependent the belief is that the more you care for others the more they will care for you, perhaps even love you. Therefore, Caretakers over give even at the risk of their own health and well being.

One time when Life Coach Morgana Rae joked that she had Obsessive Coaching Disorder, it got me thinking about my own disorder. But my caring obsession was not limited to coaching. It was more like an Obsessive Caring Disorder. I've gotten a lot better in being more balanced and in practicing self-care. But sometimes I still catch myself inappropriately worrying about others.

Like when I was talking to Bill (The friend of a friend I mentioned in the previous article). He was walking me through this exercise to teach me to get myself back to love and away from lower energy emotions. I began worrying about other family members and even my deceased father. Luckily he caught that and reminded me that right now we were focusing on me and my own well being.

The following are other ways I was affected by growing up in an alcoholic household.


As a child:

• As a child I had extreme fear and anxiety. There were times I was not able to sleep because I was having an anxiety attack. I did not know what it was then. All I knew was that I was not able to breath and I had chest pains.
• I developed religious OCD (It is a real psychological dysfunction by the way). Because of the warped religious beliefs I was taught as a child, I somehow thought that the horrible things that happened at home were because I did not pray enough. So there were nights I did not sleep because I was reciting prayers.
• I never developed a feeling of well being, safety and trust which is crucial for children in order to become balanced, stable and productive adults.

As an adult:

• It took me almost three decades to learn what it was like to feel safety, well being and to begin to trust other adults.
• I discovered I still had the anxiety I had as child. However, for years I suppressed it with busyness, workaholism, co-dependency or compulsive caretaking, perfection compulsive behaviors and later with food.
• I developed passive commitmentphobic tendencies and therefore I attracted active commitmentphobics or people with serious character flaws with a built in safety net so that there is no possibility of the relationship being long term.

The above are just a few examples of the way I was affected. I write this article to encourage you to get support if you grew up in an alcoholic household. You may have an ongoing issue which stems from that.

I also want to ensure that everyone understands that I have no bad feelings towards my father nor do I blame him for anything. I understand why he developed the addiction and therefore I feel nothing but compassion and love for him. If anything I wish I knew then what I know now in order to have been there for him more when he was fighting his addiction (there goes my OCD again). However, it does not mean that I pretend that what happened never did. Like my youngest brother says, "Everyone wants to just shove everything under the rug and not talk about anything that truly matters."

My father loved us, there is no doubt about that. When he was was not drunk he was a good dad. The problem was that there rarely was a time when he was not drunk. Through the last years of his life I could see his sorrow on is face for the pain he caused us as children and young adults. I often felt he wanted to tell me something. Perhaps ask for forgiveness for not being a better father. I learned later from my godfather that it is precisely what my father told him a few days before he died. He was sorry for all the pain he caused his children. I only wish I could have had the opportunity to tell him that he was loved regardless. I wish I could have told him not to be stuck in shame because it would make him want to drink more.

By the way, another thing that I was reminded of during my conversation with Bill is that when there is alcoholism in the household low energy emotions linger and it affects all family members throughout their lives one way or another. I have heard great things about Adult Children of Alcoholics workshops. While I have not gone myself, knowing what I know now, I would have gone to these meetings to speed up my healing. Most of the stuff that is taught in these meetings I learned by chance throughtout the years and that is why it has been a long process. I imagine that if you go to the meetings the healing process is much shorter. Just remember that the support is meant to be temporary. Don't stay stuck in victim mode.