Avoid Toxic People

What kinds of people do you allow into your immediate space? When you allow toxic people into your immediate energy field, you will find that your feelings of well-being diminish. Just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face, you increase you chances of getting sick, you must be careful about whom you elect to associate with to avoid contaminating your life energy."

                                                               - Dr. Wayne Dyer


I have been learning much about energy these past few years. Mostly I have been focusing on keeping my energy positive. My experience has taught me to notice right away when I am near toxic people. Before I was  not aware of how many negative people I spent time with. All I knew was that I did not feel so good when I was around them and I felt depleted once they left my space.

The following are the results of spending time with toxic people.

1. Your are prone to getting physically sick. You are more likely to attract a cold and may even get something as serious as cancer.
2. You feel more anxious, depressed, worried, afraid,etc. Toxic people dump their negative energy emotions on you.
3. Your energy is so depleted you can't pursue your goals.
4. Your energy becomes so low you can't attract good things into your life such as a job, a love relationship, good friends, health/healing, etc.
5. You may end up gaining weight because you are subconsciously trying to protect yourself from the energy of toxic people.

Dr. Wayne Dyer recommends that we say good-bye, albeit with unconditional love,  to relationships that pollute our life space.  He says we could neutralize the negative energy with stronger energy,but that the "effort required exhausts you and that the level of fatigue makes you susceptible to lower energies."

It sure has been true in my experience. However, there are certain toxic people that can not be eliminated from your life, or at least not immediately. This is where I found my challenge until an author friend of mine taught be a technique to regularly clean out my energy. If you would like to learn this technique please email me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com.

The Smile Test!

"If you want to find out how much you care about him, ask yourself how often he makes you smile. I don't mean by entertaiining you, by telling jokes or acting like a clown . I mean by being himself. If being with him makes you smile with pleasure, if hearing from him makes you smile with pleasure, if thinking about him makes you smile with pleasure, you must really care. And there is a very good chance you care enough to call it love. Give him a point on the love scale." -Dr. Georgia Witkin

Here is a list of 10 ways you can tell when it is real love or at least the relationship is moving towards real love.

• You have a perma grin.
• Your friends tell you that you have this "glow" ever since you met him.
• You light up when he comes in the room or you talk to him over the phone. Even when having a bad day you are recharged with energy after a few moments with him.
• He accepts your idiosyncrasies as part of the package.
• You can be yourself around him and know that he cares anyway.
• You are past the infatuation stage, but the "lighting up" part lasts.
• He makes plans in advance to see you regularly even if he is super busy because he wants to be around you as much as possible. "Men in love are thinking ahead and worrying about someone else tying up your time first." - Dr. Georgia Witkin
• He wants to be part of your life and do things he would not normally do in order to just be with you. He will also want to meet your family and friends. He is nice to them and tries to talk to them because he wants them to genuinely like him.
• He wants you to be part of his life and includes you in his plans. He will introduce you to his family and friends and he will be the same guy around them as well. Example: He wont be cold and distant if he is normally warm and affectionate when they are not around.
• He finds you "perfectly lovable" even when you are in a grumpy mood.

"If you are natural around him, you must trust him to know that you're are perfectly lovable and love him enough to test him. Don't make the mistake of thinking that becoming comfortable means that you are 'just friends' or that attraction and passion are at an end. Real love stands the test of time and the 'true you' test, because it makes us want to stay together long enough not only to have children, but raise them, too-and enjoy each other after they've grown." -Dr. Georgia Witkin

Advice For Choosing A Mate

There is much ignorance out there on what to expect in a partner in order to be successful in maintaining a long term healthy relationship that could be considered adequate for marriage. Some people seem to have the scarcity mentality and think that you must settle or you wont get another chance later. But I did a little research and contacted friends, both male and female, who have been happily married long term in order to get their opinion. The following is the advice that was given to me.

• You should be choosy and never settle, you are never too old.
• To be tied to someone in marriage requires that you be satisfied with your decision otherwise why get married to that person? It only sets you up for problems in the future.
• I disagree with people who have the "You must settle because.." mentality. Sometimes it bothers people that you can have standards and be patient and they can't.
• You deserve and actually should be choosy.
• Before considering to commit to someone think, "If this person never changed, would I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her?"
• You should like things about the person that are important for a long term healthy relationship. If you can't stand the way he smells or taste when you kiss, that is a giant, red flag.
• He/She needs to bring the best out of you, not the worse.
• Be cautious of people who put you up on a pedestal. They are just infatuated. Real love is about a person recognizing your faults and loving you anyway. The person that is infatuated will leave you after the infatuation bubble burst and he realizes his fantasy does not match the real you.
• One of the most important attributes in your perspective spouse is his/her willingness to learn and change in order to meet your needs.
• If you are fascinated by the silent type, later don't complain that in your married life you can't get him to talk.
• Don't get involved with potential. What you want must clearly be there.
• You must have similar spiritual views and respect each other's beliefs.
• Common goals or at least able to support each others goals. Be proud and and believe in each other.
• Be cautious of those who claim they have all these things in common with you, or all of a sudden develop many common interest. They are just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because they are infatuated.
• Don't fall for peer pressure or family pressure, even if it's well intended. They are not the ones who will be spending the rest of their lives with this person.
• If he proclaims his love for you within a few days of meeting (worse if you have not even met yet), he is full of shit. Wait a few months once he has come down a bit from fantasy world before you make any commitments to him. Love takes time.
• Watch out for those who do not take responsibility for their past relationship failures. They did not learn from their mistakes and are likely to repeat them with you and blame you when your relationship falls apart..with someone like this, it will fall apart. Believe me.
• You have to match, feel a connection, with your partner emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If the four of these are not there, I guarantee you will not be happy with this person.
• He is a small fry, what you need is a Big Mac (This one made me laugh even though I do not know exactly what my friend meant).

As I was reviewing my "happily" married friends' advice, I couldn't help but notice how similar it was from what I had heard from relationship and marriage experts. Which reminds me, be careful who you get your advice from, it can lead you wrong.

I while back I went out on a date with someone and I couldn't stand anything about him. I mentioned it to a friend (now former friend). Her advice was, "I know you don't drink, but have 2-3 beers, a couple of tequila shots, and you should be fine." So Basically she suggested I get intoxicated in order to be able to date him and perhaps even develop a drinking problem. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But at the time my self-esteem was low because of all the challenges I was experiencing in my life. So when she added that I was too picky and was too old and should settle because I will not get another chance, I began to wonder if maybe she was right. Now it makes me laugh, but at the moment she told me this I almost did consider picking up drinking in order to be able to date this man.

So be careful who you get your advice from!

Don't Confuse Lust With Love

For the women who do not know the difference between lust and love.

• When a man is attracted to you it is a good sign that there might be more, but keep in mind that he could be attracted to many women and will sleep with as many of those women as he can. But he will only marry one and it is not very likely it will be with the one he had the one night stand with or participates in booty calls with him.
• Men can lust over and have sex with many women at the same time and not feel any attachment to any of them, much less love. Women on the other hand, release a chemical called Oxytocin (Google it for more information) every time we have sex with a man. Oxytocin is released from the brain while having sex and causes us to feel attached to the man. Wait at least 90 days and until you are in an exclusive relationship before having sex to decrease your chances of becoming attached while he is just having a good time.
• If the man tells you and demonstrates his attraction towards you remind yourself it is just his lust speaking, not his heart and soul. It takes time to fall in love.
• Don't let him lure you into sex until he has demonstrated his love by his actions, not just words. Yes this is super hard when you are attracted to the guy, but you need to remember that protecting your heart is much more important than sex. Remember that to men sex is just sex. It does not equal love. Men do not even have to like nor be attracted to the women they sleep with, so keep that in mind.

..."when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the flowers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex. If he says something stupid like such as, 'I don't need to wait for sex-I can get it from anybody'; you tell him right back, 'please do'. This cuts the riffraff right away. But if your saying no doesn't deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you better and prove to you that he's worthy of your benefits, then he's really interested in you." -Steve Havey

Is He/SheThe One?

Sometimes we get so excited and hopeful with the possibility that we finally have met "The One". The person you met has most of the qualities you have ever wanted. You move super fast wanting to do everything with this person. The other person feels the same way. But as time goes on a bunch of things start coming up and you feel disappointed once again. Yet you are not sure if maybe he/she is "The One" or you are just going through a difficult period.

These are a few guidelines to protect you while dating until you figure out if he/she is "The One" or not.

• When you first meet someone and you believe it is love at first sight for both of you, pause and remember it is more like infatuation at first sight. This person can do no wrong when you first meet. Infatuation can last a day, a few days, a month, maybe months, possibly even years. But wait and see what happens once infatuation is over before you have sex, move in together or make any other major commitments.
• Pheromones, hormones and other chemicals produced by the body are at play as well. You believe it must be love if you are so attracted to each other. This is common, but it's just your hormones and pheromones. Pheromones are an individual's signature human odor. It seems mother nature has the perfect pheromones for each of us to attract a person that will make a good match in order to procreate. While pheromones are an indication of getting the okay from mother nature, it is definitely not the only thing that matters when picking "The One" if you want it to be a lasting, healthy relationship.
• Trust your intuition. Many people ignore their intuition because they get so caught up in the fantasy and possibility that a person they have met could be "The One". A lot of times it is our ego that is giving us false information. Spend some time consulting with your intuition. If you can't tell the difference between your ego and intuition please contact me and I will share that information with you.
• Go slow in the relationship. If you are meant to be together the relationship will pass the test of time. It gives you an opportunity to see the real person. Once he/she has gotten comfortable his/her true colors will come out. You will see if he/she has certain tendencies and characteristics that are definitely not for you. Also, no one could hide serious character flaws for long, so if you slow down you will find out if he/she has any before you are in too deep.
• The person that is "The One" will match up with you spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Most men and some women (although we are rapidly catching up to men) are only looking at the physical aspect. Some people do ensure that there is an emotional or mental connection as well. But it is very rare for people to wait until they find someone that they connect with on all four levels. Then they wonder why things do not work out.
• We all have our moments when we are not our best selves. Consider if your partner is having one of those moments or if it is a permanent thing. Keep in mind that if your partner is in any way abusive (physically or emotionally) or is dishonoring you, there is nothing to consider..stay away from him/her! There is no excuse for abuse. The excuses a person gives for being abusive are ignorant and only low frequency people think that way.

Real Love

Infatuation is often confused with real love. Infatuation is when you feel sparks and sexual longing towards someone you don't really know. Infatuation could be the beginning of real love, but often times it is not. Sometimes the reason for this is that once the infatuation stage is over, people think that they made a mistake in selecting the person as their mate.

What is actually happening is that you are given an opportunity to choose your partner as someone to grow with and develop real love. Real love can be very passionate as well, but in a calm, healthy way. What the movies, television, novels show us, are characteristics of the infatuation stage, not real love. But many people believe it is. So when the relationship they are in is not full drama, craziness, and intensity, they end the relationship without allowing real love to grow.

Also, people believe that real love means always agreeing with their partner. So after disagreements begin, usually right after the infatuation stage is over, they bail out or cause the other person to leave. Ofcourse, no one should stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive, but if the only reason for leaving the relationship is that you are not flying high with ecstasy and passion, consider that you may have unrealistic views of real love.


If your passion for him is making you dizzy and confused, slow down and step back. It might be infatuation and not true love. A good way to know the difference is to examine how you feel. Dr. Richard Levine says that a feeling of insecurity marks infatuation. "You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. It's a bond or attachment that is not entirely based upon reasonable perspectives. It is often accompanied by suspension of rational decision making," he says. If the relationship keeps you off-balance and everything about the man is unpredictable, you may be headed for trouble.

-Janis Spindel, professional matchmaker

In Order To Attract A Healhty Mate...

Many people have things backwards when it comes to love. They believe they have to put their life on hold until they attract "The One". But what I have learned about the Law of Attraction is that first you have to be happy with yourself and your life in order to attract a happy partner.

This does not mean that because you have a happy life as a single that you are not interested or you do not do what you can to attract love to you. But there is a difference between desire and desperation. When your life is lousy or you do not feel too good about yourself, you look for external things to validate you. These are the people who choose partners out of desperation and therefore end up with someone they will not be happy with long term.

When you love your life as a single person, you do not choose the first person who is interested in you romantically. You take your time to decide if the person is ideal for you long term.Your plan is to enhance your life, so you are careful that the person you are with does not disrespect you, add stress to your life, or make your life in any way worse than it is now.

But when you do not love your life or yourself, you are just looking for someone to attach yourself to. This ensures that you keep on avoiding your life and waiting for someone to rescue you from it. This also stops you from taking the time for getting to know yourself and learning to love yourself. Which is the real reason you are not attracting the love that you desire.

You also have to make sure you do not go to the other extreme. Being single because you are afraid of taking any risks, but hoping that one day maybe you'll magically end up with someone. Yet do not do anything to make this happen.

While you can not force love to happen, there are still some things that you could do to improve your chances on attracting love. Please contact on me on Facebook or at carbajalzulma@gmail.com for more information.

Stuck In A Rut in Love?

"Being stuck in a rut comes from being scared -of change, of loss, of regret. If you are stuck in life, you are likely stuck in love. When you live your life in a place of fear, you are in the Victim role. This means you see yourself under the control of the situations and people around you. You live in a place of "if only," rather than making proactive changes that will bring you happiness and satisfaction you seek. This is not a good position for finding love."


- Laura Berman PHD


These are the signs you may be stuck in a rut:

• You wont let go of a relationship that is not fulfilling and you tell yourself often "It's not so bad". What is actually happening is that you are afraid to face the truth. You do not wish to feel the pain of loss. You may also be afraid that you wont find anyone else.
• You are dating the same type of person over and over. You are stuck in an unhealthy pattern because you have not made it a commitment to heal your old wounds in order to move on to a healthier relationship.
• Being too picky instead of being choosy about the people you date. You date people for superficial and shallow reasons instead of paying attention to who the person is at their core.
• You don't date for love, you date because of fear of being alone.
• You date so that someone will save you or fix you and your life.
• You date numerous people at the same time to feed your ego and low self-esteem issues.
• You are promiscuous because you confuse lust with love or you believe that being wanted sexually means it must prove you are okay.

If you would like some assistance on healing old romantic relationships to prepare the way for new healthier love please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com and I will share the various tools and exercises I have used for my own healing. If we do not heal old relationships wounds, we end up staying stuck in a rut in love.

Breaking Unhealthy Love Patterns

Generally, I have been a person that does not dwell on the past. I did go through periods in which I wondered why certain things would happen in my life. But I would then shift my attention. I especially made sure not to think so much about the past in fear of recreating it again in the present when I learned about the Law of Attraction. However, I continued to attract low energy people. What I have learned in recent years is that while consciously we may be thinking about the present our subconscious still holds our memories from the past and is bringing us the people of the same energy resonance in our present.

Our subconscious is like a computer. It files away the memories from our childhood and when we meet someone new the subconscious quickly checks the files and tells the psyche, "You don't like him" or "You like him". This happens so fast that you are not aware of it. This is the reason it could be hard to break patterns that keep you attracting low energy people. It is especially harder for the person that comes from a dysfunctional family.

As I've mentioned in my other articles, my childhood was a difficult one. Although I have gone through tremendous growth and healing I am still experiencing the results of some childhood traumas. However, they are not big issues as they were in the past when I was not aware that my past was affecting my present situations. I did not want to look at my childhood. It was too painful and I did not think it had anything to do with today anyway. Instead, what I did was to immerse myself in spirituality. Thinking that since I was a good person, God would bring me a good man eventually.

While spirituality gave me temporary relief from the pain of yet another break-up with a dysfunctinal person, it kept me feeling hopeless. I thought I was defective in some way.

One day I heard someone say that if you keep on meeting the same kind of people you have to look at the common denominator as the problem. That person also said that if you attract cheaters or other emotionally unavailable men there is something in you that does not want to meet someone who is emotionally available. At the time when I first heard this I thought it was nonsense because I consciously believed I did want to meet someone healthy and ready for commitment.

However, something did shift inside of me. I was no longer meeting cheaters. But I was still meeting emotionally unavailable men. They did not start this way, but once infatuation was over their true colors would come through. Then I came accross a book Keeping The Love You Find, by Harville Hendrix, PH.D. He gives detailed descriptions about how what happens at every stage of your childhood affects your present relationships and your subconscious keeps bringing people into your life that will cause old childhood wounds to come up.

In my case, I had two challenges to deal with. One of them was that while I consciously wanted marriage, subconsciously I was repelled by it. My parents had a horrible marriage and I can't recall one incident in which they demonstrated love to each other. Also, my mother always said my father took the best years of her life and that women always suffered with men. So my subconscious had filed away "marriage is bad for women". Therefore I attracted men who were not suitable for marriage. I had good reasons for the break-up which also kept me from seeing my own commitmentphobic tendencies.

My second big challenge was that I chose emotionally unavailable men because spiritually I wanted to heal this. Both my parents were emotionally unavailable. They had their own demons they were dealing with and they had nothing to give. I was attracting men who were emotionally unavailable because on the unconscious level I wanted another chance to fix my childhood. I wanted love by a person who was not capable of giving it to me.

The key to healing is to become aware of the wound first. Let go of denial. I still do not think it's good to dwell in the past for too long. However, if your past is keeping you from changing your unhealthy patterns, then you must pay attention to what happened in your childhood that may be causing the same low energy people to come into your life now.

If you would like to learn more about how your childhood affects your romantic relationships, read Dr. Harville Hendrix's book. He mentions how the dysfunctional relationhips that are brought into your life are perfect for healing childhood wounds. About falling in love he writes, " It gives us the strength for the long undertaking of self repair and the arduous work of a conscious relationship. When we are in love, we have the feeling that we can do whatever it takes to work things out. Falling in love forces our hand; without it we would choose to stay in the safety, however unfulfilling, of our singleness, or of a safe 'arrangement'. Romantic love is nature's anesthesia."

The Purpose Of Dating

"God uses relationships to heal us and change us. Although we are not suggesting that dating be the primary place that someone seeks healing (this is a horrible idea), it is a place where good things happen in people's souls....People could have good dating relationships where they learn, are healed, grow, and are stretched, even when the relationship does not lead to marriage. It has value in a person's life." -Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Dating could be discouraging and this is why many people choose to stand by the sidelines or use excuses not to date, such as being too busy with work, school or family. The following are the reasons why dating is good paraphrased from Dr. Cloud's and Dr. Townsend's book, Boundaries in Dating

1. It gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself and others. It teaches one what is needed to develop better relationship skills. Dating is for growth and learning. It is a time to develop yourself so that you will be ready for marriage.
2. Dating is for working through issues and recognizing that being solely attracted to someone will not be enough for a long term, happy relationship. While dating,you begin to recognize what your values are.
3. You start to develop relationship skills. Many of us have come from dysfunctional families and do not learn how to relate to the opposite sex until we begin dating. You also find out what your weaknesses and insecurities are.You recognize your maturity level- if you are ready for a healthy, permanent relationship or not.
4. Dating can be healing. If you are willing the person you are dating will help you heal past wounds, maybe not directly,but indirectly which prepares you for "the one".
5. There is value in the relationship even when you are just dating casually. You share emotional and spiritual intimate moments. Yes you could love the person you are dating. Love is not restricted just to the person you are meant to marry. There are different types of love. If you do things right the person could end up being a good friend even if the dating does not lead to marriage.
6. You learn what your preferences are in the opposite sex. Hopefully your preferences are not so superficial that you ignore the important qualities and type of character that make a happy relationship survive and thrive.
7. "Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification." - Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Self Love

"Most of us are trying to figure out what to do to make our relationships better, to make them work, because we have skipped over loving me into love you. Self-love means taking the time to smile at, listen to, and tenderly embrace yourself. Without time spent this way, the thing we search and hope for in relationships will continue to elude us. That experience-total acceptance, honest acknowledgement, trusting support, and honoring of self is all the experience we need to make any relationship a good one. When we have this kind of self-love, we are more than willing to do the work, the sometimes nasty work, required to establish, build, and maintain a relationship. Without it we are bound to get lost in a pile of mess." - Iyanla Vanzant


Self-Love Means:

• You are not codependent. You know that by forgetting about your own needs in order to get love is not the healthy way to go about things.
• You don't put yourself last on the list.
• You don't compare yourself to others.
• You are patient during your meantime experiences even if they take longer than you hoped.
• You are gentle wih yourself when you are learning something new.
• You accept your God given body just the way it is.
• You do not spend time with energy drainers and avoid having a relationship with people who hurt you in any way.
• You make time for your goals and dreams.
• You trust and believe in yourself.
• You do not dwell on your negative characteristics or your faults instead you focus on the positive.
• Whether you achieve your goals or not, you pat yourself on the back for giving it your best shot.
• You do not care what others think of you. Your thinking is, "Your opinion of me is none of my business".
• You do not let yourself feel bad about something not turning out the way you wanted. Instead you congratulate yourself for trying.
• You know and remind yourself that you are attractive even if you are not attractive to a specific person.
• You do not focus on your failures, instead you focus on your successes.
• You let go of those who do not honor, celebrate, or love you. You recognize they are on their own chosen path and let them go with love.
• You spend time with your tribe. Those people who are like minded and who love you for being your authentic self.

"You may love a person dearly, but you must also accept that they may not walk the path with you. They have chosen another way, another lesson, one on which may not be complimentary to yours. Which raises the second issue: Learn to face the truth....Remember that you are always prepared for something better or protected from something worse. When the divine reason for the meantime union has been fulfilled or when the divine season for the meantime experience comes to an end, you will move on to exactly where you need to be." - Iyanla Vanzant

Looks Have Nothing To Do With It!

"Studies show that physical attractiveness does not guarantee high self-esteem. Actually great beauty can be a real handicap; it can threaten others and may be relied on so that inner potentials go underdeveloped. It tends to fade with age."

- Dorothy Corkville Briggs



I was told by a cosmotologist who works for a television show that she regularly sees gorgeous women walk in the studio and wonders how these almost perfect women could have such low self-esteem. She often listens to these beautiful women talk about the bad treatment they receive from men and how unhappy they are about their appearance. She also overhears the men brag about how badly they treat these almost perfect women and how the women still beg them to stay.

So when someone shares with me that they have not been able to find love because of their appearance, I remind them about all of the couples who are not considered attractive by mainstream standards who have found true love and about all of the gorgeous women out there who have not found love. Actually the women who believe that they are not attractive enough to find love are creating a self fulfilling prophecy with their wrong perception. Please see my previous article Do You Have a Blind Spot? 11/27/12 for more information.

What I have found in my personal experience is that what is important is that you value yourself no matter what the externals are. Read my article Core Self Esteem 11/20/12 for details. If you have been reading articles I have written on the Law of Attraction, you will find that having high self-esteem is of crucial importance for attracting good things for yourself. This is especially true when it comes to attracting a romantic partner who loves you unconditionally and cherishes you even with all of your imperfections.

I am sure you have heard that you can not love anyone unless you love yourself. Well it is also true that others can not love you unless you love yourself. An intuitive friend of mine who is also an author told me that his relationships started to transform when he began to love himself and share that love with everyone he came across regardless of the challenges the relationships presented to him in the past. He has encouraged me to do the same. To feel the part of me that is unconditional love and forward that love to others. Ever since I have been doing this my relationships have been transforming one by one. Even the ones I thought were lost causes. I also have been attracting many like minded people who bring so much joy and love into my life.

But what has been most magnificent has been how much the relationship with myself has changed. Prior to my newfound love for myself I use to believe that I must not be lovable if others did not demonstrate love to me. The opposite is true, if I truly know that I am lovable no matter what, I will attract love. Either the relationships will transform so that they resonate with your self loving energy or they will disappear. Don't worry about the relationships that begin to disappear. The Universe will not leave you empty handed. The sooner you leave or let go of the relationships that do not resonate with your loving energy the quicker they will be replaced with relationships that do.


"A fascinating thing happens when physically rather unattractive people increase their self-worth. They start making the most of their physical appearance, they dress more attractive, they choose more complimenting colors, they take better care of their bodies. So often as this change takes place, they say, 'You know, I am not so bad looking after all.'


- Dorothy Corkville Briggs, author of Embrace Yourself





If you would like to learn the simple but effective technique my friend has given me to connect with the part of me that is Divine and pure love, please email me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com

Romantic Relationships Are Our Teachers

All relationships bring us lessons, challenges and give us an opportunity for growth. However, romantic relationships are the most special. We are drawn to the relationships for specific reasons. The lessons that we needed to learn unfolded just as they should have. God/Universe brought exactly who we needed at the time to evolve to a higher consciousness.

Love relationships bring things up that need to be healed in our psyche.The reason for this is that God is giving you an opportuntiy to heal those parts in you that need to be healed. It is amazing how everything seems to be synchronized perfectly in order for you meet the person that will bring up exactly what you need to heal.

If you are finding that the same kind of person keeps coming into your life, the Universe is telling you that you did not learn the lesson the first time. You will continue to attract this kind of person into your life until you get the lesson. Romantic relationships are our teachers. Sometimes they are very painful relationships, but if you look carefully, you will find a lesson in each of them. Whether it was for you to learn to stand up for yourself, improve your self-esteem, get a better idea on what kind of person you will be happy with, etc., they each had something to teach you.

My recommendation is that if you have not yet met your life partner, you spend some time working on yourself before you become exclusive with anyone else. If you have not done the work the next person is going to be just like the last person. In the beginning it all looks so perfect. The illusion is an important part because it will get you to want to pursue this person. Everything is set up in order for you to learn the lesson. Once the timing is right, all of the same issues you have not healed from the past will emerge again.

"Love brings up everything unlike itself to be healed. You might find that old issues, fears, and discomforts are stirred up like clouds of dust when you clean the attic." - Marci Shimoff

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi, thirteenth- century Sufi poet

Love Map

For the past several years, do to my "unluckiness" in finding a healthy love relationship I have been learning much on healing past wounds and also gathering information from various expert psychologists to understand why we choose the partners that we choose. The following are some of the things that I have learned.



Basics On The Love Map:


We all have a unique love map. Basically a love map is a program downloaded into our subconscious during our childhood years telling us what love should look like. For example, you are a woman and as a child there was a male family member who showed you consistent love and affection who happened to have blue eyes. So when you become an adult your preference in eye color for a love partner may be blue eyes because you associate love with men who have blue eyes. The person might be a jerk, but because he has blue eyes you do not realize it (at least at the beginning) since your perception is that all men with blue are good guys because that person in your childhood had blue eyes and he was really kind.

What gets programmed is not only physical characteristics, but also maneurisms, emotional resonance, character (or lack of), behaviors, personality, etc. For the most part, we are not consciously aware of what our love map is since it was programmed into our subconscious early in life. Part of your love map is also based on what you observed during your childhood on how your parents related to one another. If your parents' relationship was abusive that is the kind of person you will be attracted to. Perhaps not on a conscious level but at an unconscious level.




Body Chemicals:


Pheromones and other chemicals that determine a person's smell and taste. Have you ever been on a date and something about the person's smell did not resonate with you? Not because he/she smelled bad, but even though you were not able to determine why you just did not like the smell. Sometimes you are not aware that his/her smell is what is turning you off. You think the person is attractive and nice enough, but you just don't feel any desire to get to close to that person. In fact you prefer not to. Or when you kiss the person you can't stand the way he/she tastes. This is basically mother nature telling you it is not a good match for the survival of the species.




Emotional Resonance:

If you are shallow, you will attract shallow people and be attracted to them. Low self-esteem attracts low self-esteem. If you are happy you attract happy people. If you are emotionally healthy you attract healthy people.




A Subconscious Need:

Many of us who had a dysfunctional home during childhood have needs to correct the problems. For example, if your father was emotionally unavailable you would unconsciously date emotionally unavailable men because you want to fix what you were not able to fix as a child. You may not be aware that this is what you are doing. In fact, most people don't and they remain puzzled as to why they keep attracting the same type of person repeatedly.




Counter Partners:


Addicts tend to attract enablers/codependent people. Abusers/bullys attract people who see themselves as victims. Emotionally unavailable people attract needy people.




Beliefs:


The beliefs that are the hardest to change are those programmed in our childhood years. Mostly because they are in our subconscious so we are not able to change them until we become consciously aware of them. If you hold the belief that all men are jerks, then that is the type of men you will attract. If you believe all women are shallow and want you only for your money, then that is what you will attract.

Self Esteem and Love

Self -esteem-or,more commonly, the lack of self-esteem-is at the center of almost all dating problems I see. People who don't value themselves, who don't like themselves, who don't see themselves as worthy of love or happiness or respect tend to go through life without love or happiness or respect. People who don't love themselves can't be loved by others because with dating, just as with other elements of life, what you put out there is what you get in return. If you don't like yourself, if you don't think you deserve to be treated well and to be loved for who you are, you can't expect someone else to like you and treat you well and love you for who you are. -Patti Novak


According to Patti Novak, professional matchmaker, the following are "Self- Protective Behaviors" or "Garage Door Behaviors" keeping you from the love you want and deserve.

• Behavior: Extreme pickiness. Underlying Cause: Fear of being hurt- again. "They have long list of required qualities, physical attributes, financial offerings, and sexual required performance that they measure partners against: Big House? Check. Fancy Car? Check. Great legs, firm butt, and full set of hair? Check.Check.Check. Not only are these Extremely Picky Daters obnoxious, but they're also annoying, since most of the time they're looking for things they don't offer themselves. Like a high paying job or a great pension plan when they don't even have a job. Or a hot bod when they could stand to lose a few. Plenty of men are extremely picky too-they want to meet twenty-year-olds when they're pushing fifty, and they want those twenty-year-olds to have long blond hair when they themselves are bald."

• Behavior: Too busy to date. Underlying Causes: Procrastination and Avoidance. "Busy types either have one really demanding job, or two, or three jobs they juggle. They're over extended in every possible way- coaching their kid's soccer and baseball teams, volunteering at local soup kitchen or fund-raising for their favorite charity, very involved with a hobby that takes up enough time to be another full time job. On the rare occasions that Mr. Busy is home, he's swamped with home improvement projects that he insists are going to help him attract and keep the woman of his dreams. You know, the woman he has not met yet because he hasn't had time to go out on dates."

• Behavior: Too Old to Be Acting That Young. Underlying Causes: Low Self- Esteem, Issues with Aging, Post Divorce Adjustment. "Whether it's a divorced mom with kids who won't leave the bar before closing time or the soon-to-be-middle aged Party Boy who behaves like an obnoxious frat boy, older singles who can't, don't or won't act their age have problems.Whether it's excitement that's motivating them or a fear of loneliness, this type of dater is out partying too much and probably having way too many booty calls for their own good, let alone to be a successful dater. Other people who fall in this category are more commitment phobic and narcissistic than sad and lonely because of a change in relationship status. The Party Boy or Player is usually motivated by not wanting to grow up and because he wants to keep dating younger and younger girls to feel young and free for as long as possible. But dating twenty-year-olds when you're pushing forty isn't attractive-in fact, it's a red flag for smart, interesting women who are looking for a real connection, not just a night of shots."

• Behavior: Too promiscuous. Underlying Cause: Low Self Esteem, Still Getting Over an Ex, Anger issues."Similar to the Age Inappropriate Dater, the dater who is too easy and overly promiscuous is having trouble in the booty-call department. The person having too much casual sex and behaving in ways that are unsafe physically and emotionally is in just as much trouble as the person who can't get any dates-if not more. Singles who date too much and sleep around too much are problematic: Their lack of selectivity and their need for constant attention is an obvious sign something isn't right. Prosmiscuity-whether in the form of club and bar-hopping one night stands or texting old flames for a late night house call-is a sign of an unhealthy ego or unresolved emotional issues in both men and women."

• Behavior: Narcissistic. Underlying Causes: Narcissism, Low Self-Esteem. "I make no secret that narcissists are my least favorite type of dater to deal with because their egotisitic and self-centered behavior is annoying and because they're often completely resistant to change...and they're truly daters to avoid at all cost. Daters with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very destructive since they seduce and abandon the people they get involved with and inflict a great deal of emotional pain, suffering, and injury on them. But more common than the pathological narcissist is the garden variety type: the Narcissistic Dater. People who are narcissistic (as opposed to actual narcissists) do things we commonly think of as self-absorbed: talk about themselves too much, brag about their accomplishments and possessions, show no interest in the other person and ask no questions.. and he is the kind of dater who has developed behaviors like bragging and showing off to overcompensate for the fact that he feels like a nobody. Narcissistic men and women behave like you've lucky to meet them, lucky to be out with them, and lucky to sleep with them even though, deep down, they feel unworthy and fear rejection, and even though their inflated sense of self and nonstop self-absorption is often a huge turn off."

Patti mentions several other negative behaviors; "Too Shy, Awkward, and Inexperienced." Cause: Low Self-Esteem. "Can't flirt." Causes: Insecurity and Low Self-esteem. " Too Chunky/Dumpy/Frumpy/Lumpy." Causes: Low Self-Esteem and Confidence.