Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Core Self Esteem

"Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You wont die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as a field of conscious Presence." - Eckhart Tolle

Psychologists refer to core self-esteem when you have developed a knowing that you are loved and lovable, valued and valuable, regardless of what you do. When you develop core self-esteem you are not so easily offended by what others do or do not do. You also spend less time competing and comparing yourself with others because you know that you are worthy of love regardless of external situations.

People with core self-esteem know that their value is not dependent on how much money they make, how big their house is, what car they drive, or how attractive their spouse is. Basically people with core self-esteem understand that externals do not mean a thing, what matters is who you are within, the part of the Divine.

The other kind of self-esteem is what psychologists call "situational" self-esteem. People who have this kind of self-esteem never feel okay, no matter how attractive, thin, how much money they make or what titles they have. They are always striving to get more and be more, not for the joy of it, but because they feel less than if someone is doing better than them in one area. People who have situational self-esteem are not happy for the success of others. It does not matter in what area, they do not like anyone doing better than them. Someone with situational self-esteem maybe even feels envious of someone who has experienced more spiritual miracles.

Basically people with "situational" self-esteem spend their life comparing themselves to others and competing with the Joneses. If they are are not doing as good as the Joneses they secretely plot ways on how they could change that. If they are doing better than the Joneses then they are arrogant about it.

Situational self-esteem is developed later in childhood and it comes from learning that we are good at something and in comparison with others we are doing well. However, this kind of self-esteem has many drawbacks if core self -esteem is not developed first.

According to Gloria Steinem, "families and cultures that do not foster core self-esteem-and then ration situational approval in return for obeying, fitting in, serving the parents' or groups' purpose, and doing tasks that are always assigned instead of chosen-produce kids who feel there must be something 'wrong' with their own interests and abilities. They therefore begin to create what psychologists call a 'false self' in order to earn inclusion and approval, to avoid punishment and ridicule. Thus, the small boy who is told to do such impossible things as 'take care of your mother' or 'be the man of the house' is teased and humiliated for showing his vulnerabilities, or agrandized and worshiped for a superiority he knows is unreal, often begins the elaborate construction of an 'inflated' self, which results in the mostly male problem known as narcissism. And the little girl who is discouraged from strenght and exploring, or is punished for willfulness and praised for assuming a docility and smiling sweetness she doesn't feel, often begins to construct a 'deflated' self, which results in the mostly female problem of depression."

Those who grow up in families in which situational self-esteem is not balanced leave behind their true self and sometimes never recover it. However, I believe that part of the reason people go through a mid life crises, or as Dr. Barbara De Angelis prefers to say, "Mid life Awakening", is because we finally become tired of suppressing our authentic selves.

Gloria Steinem adds, "Since no amount of situational approval can completely fill the resulting emptiness inside, the need for approbation and community becomes strong that it can be exploited to make people of age work, compete, and serve in ways that clearly go against their true self-interests. Cultures and families for whom the main emphasis is on roles, comformity, obedience, or just 'fitting in,' and who don't develop and reward each child's full circle of unique talents, are penalizing themselves in the long run. Without that feeling of intrisic value, it's hard for chidren to survive the process of failing and trying again that precedes any accomplishment. It's harder still to enjoy successes once we achieve them or support the successes of others. Indeed, when core self-esteem remains low even into adulthood, no amount of external task-oriented achievement or approval seems able to compensate. On the contrary, the needy child of the past is a kind of emotional black hole into which external rewards disappear-which is why a lack of self-esteem can produce totalitarian leaders for whom no amount of power is enough, grandiose money makers or spenders of inherited money for whom no amount of display is enough, and authoritarian parents or whom no obedience is complete."

Psychology has always fascinated me; learning the reasons and ways that our personalities develop. And also realizing why it is difficult for us to break negative patterns in life whether it be with finances, perfectionist tendencies, workaholism or other addictions. However, the one thing that keeps coming up is that most of our individual, family, social and global issues stem from the abundance of people who have never developed core self-eteem.

It's not too late to develop core self-esteem. If you would like to learn how, contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Habits And The Law of Attraction



"The individual who wants to reach the top in business [or in life] must appreciate the might of the force of habit-and must understand that practices are what create the habits. He must be quick to break those habits that can break him-and hasten to adopt those practices that will become habits that help him achieve the success he desires." -J. Paul Getty


When desiring to manifest something into your life, it is important to pay attention to the habits that you are currently practicing. Sometimes people think that by simply visualizing what they want, they will get it. But as long as we are physical beings, action is required.

For example, if you are wanting to draw your life partner to you, are you also practicing habits that will help magnetize him to you? Or are you doing things that are actually keeping you further away? Are you healing emotional wounds? Are you working on getting rid of addictions? Are you spending time with energy drainers or are you getting better friends?

The following are some examples of the habits that keep us from manifesting our desires.

  • Spending too much time watching TV. If you are watching TV you are not taking action towards your desires. Plus it has been discovered that when people watch TV for long periods, their brainwaves resemble those of clinically depressed people. You need to be positive to magnetize good things towards you.
  • Being closed minded. Not being open to different solutions further reinforces scotomas, or blind spots. When you stubbornly want to do things how they have always been done, or preferring to be right than happy, you do not see the solutions that are right in front of you which will lead you to your desires easier and directly.
  • It takes about twenty-one days for a new habit to form. Some people give up before that time and then they are upset when the deadline of the goal comes and they did not accomplish what they wanted. It does take effort to learn a new habit, much like when learning to drive a standard car. But once you have learned the habit it will be automatic and easily done as though you have always had this habit in your life. As I mentioned above, action is usually required to manifest. Are you taking action towards your dreams by practicing new habits?
  • Negative habits breed negative consequences. No matter how much you practice the principles of the Law of Attraction, if you have habits that are going against the current of your desires, you will not get what you want. In fact, you will get what you don't want. For example, you say you want a more peaceful and anxiety free life, but one of your habits is to spend time daily with your chaotic and full of drama friends. You are only getting further away from the feelings of peace and well being.
  • Information overload may be blocking you from manifesting. Some people have the habit of being on the phone, watching TV, texting or on the internet and rarely have time to just be. It has come to my attention that part of the reason people feel so anxious and stressed in our society is because of information overload. As difficult as it may be, it could be time to take a break from acquiring more knowledge if you are finding yourself feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. Which is not good energy for manifesting positive things.

To read similar articles I have written, please go into the blog section at www.first30days.com

Your Subconscious Mind and The Law of Attraction



Assuming that you already know the basics regarding the Law of Attraction; focus your attention and feelings towards what you want and you will get it. While it is a great way to start, you also need to gain the cooperation of your subconscious mind.

Without getting into too much psycho babble, I will explain the function and the power of your subconscious. It could be the key to manifesting your desires or the saboteur preventing you from doing so. The following are the basics on the subconscious mind.


  1. The subconscious mind is there to make life easier for all of us. It is in charge of our body, organ, and cell functions. This way we could breathe, digest, ward off disease, circulate blood throughout the body, and write at the same time. It is how our body is able to run on "autopilot" while we attend to living.
  2. The subconscious also makes it so much easier to live and learn. Once something is learned, it is programmed into your subconscious and when you need to retrieve the data you will be able to do so. A good example is when we learn how to ride a bike. In the beginning it could be difficult, you may need all of your concentration to learn how to balance on two wheels. But once you have mastered it, you could easily ride a bike again even after twenty years. If we did not have the help of the subconscious every time we wanted to ride a bike, even if we just did so the day before, we'd have to re-learn to do it again today.
  3. Before the age of seven we are just collecting data, learning to be a people. We learn how to be a people from our primary caretakers, who are usually our parents. Even before we learn to speak we are observing and gathering data from the people around us. We are also looking for patterns on how things are done here on Earth. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, calls it "Domestication". We are learning to become "Domesticated" in order to be accepted and be able to live here on Earth.
  4. We emulate everything from our parents; the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes parents think that by telling their children, "Do what I say, not what I do", children will automatically do it. But it does not work that way. Seems like by osmosis we soak up their flaws. If you are lucky and had parents that had more good qualities than bad, then you are better off than most of society.
  5. By the age of seven you have made your conclusions about how things are done on earth and about who you are. This information is programmed into your subconscious and set on "autopilot" mode. We are all unique individuals so the conclusions I came up with may be entirely different than yours. Conclusions are even different between siblings. This is why some of us wonder, "How is it that so and so does not even recall this traumatic experience and I am still having trouble trusting people because of it?"
  6. After the age of seven, your subconscious is in charge of bringing you evidence of what you have learned. For example, let's say that your parents favored one sibling over you. No matter what mess the favored child got into she could do no wrong. Yet you were treated like the "Ugly Duckling" no matter how hard you worked to gain your parents' love and affection. By the age of seven, you concluded that your parents are right in treating you this way. Since they are all wise and knowing (this is what we believe when we are children, obviously it is not true), there must be something wrong with you that makes you unlovable. In order for you to keep your sanity, your subconscious brings you more incidents, people and circumstances to show you evidence that you are unlovable and unworthy. Your teachers may treat other students better than the way you are treated. Your boyfriends will leave you for a homely girl. Your boss treats you poorly and treats others with respect. The list goes on and on.
  7. Then you learn about the Law of Attraction and you are excited because now you understand that by changing your thinking and emotions, your situation will improve and you will no longer be treated like "The Ugly Duckling". However, for some reason every time you start to see things going your way, for example you meet someone you like, you do something to mess up the whole thing. This is your subconscious sabotaging your efforts to change. The reason for this is that while you have changed your conscious thinking and your emotions, your subconcious beliefs have not changed. The job of your subconscious is to bring you evidence of what you believe. Lou Tice puts it this way, "Even if you're consciously aware of it, you'll be driven to adjust your outer and inner pictures of reality so that they once again match. This is simply how human beings are built in order to maintain sanity. We need to see our beliefs about reality confirmed by what we see and experience. When this happens, we feel that we have a handle on things, that is where we like to operate. When this does not happen, we feel compelled to correct the mistake."
  8. Your subconscious will also show you evidence of what you expect. I will share a story from my own experience. A couple of months ago I hit a car who parked directly at the end of my driveway as I was pulling out. I "expected" there to be a dent since my car is much smaller than the truck that belonged to the person who parked at the end of my driveway while I was pulling out. I dropped off my son at school, took a quick look to check for damage, and sure enough the bumper was dented. I came back home to check the dent again and to confront the person driving the truck. Guess what? The dent was gone. I called a friend on the spot because I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. But then he said, "Maybe you saw the dent because you expected to see it." It sure was true. I was already having a bad morning that day and was expecting it to get worse. Isn't amazing how our subconscious gets us seeing things we expect to see?

Most of our life is spent on "autopilot". Usually it is a good thing. When it is not good is when your expectations and subconscious beliefs are bringing you dysfunctional boyfriends, bad treatment from the boss/family/friends, health problems/disease, challenges with your children, financial difficulties, and many other life issues. This is when it is time to learn how to gain the cooperation of the subconscious mind.

    Emotions and The Law of Attraction


    "Gratitude also includes respect for what the ego would call 'bad news,' the challenging circumstances that come into our life to wake us up. Individuals who are unaware of the sacredness of all expressions of existence live their lives against a backdrop of complaining, self-pity, and excuses. They are busy directing their energy toward changing the things and people around them, rather than themselves."

    -Michael Bernard Beckwith


    We are human beings so we will have emotions and sometimes "negative"emotions. For people who have learned about the Law of Attraction, it could be very frightening because they know that the more they feel negative emotions the more circumstances, people, and things they will attract which will resonate with those emotions. This is a fact whether you know about the Law of Attraction or you don't.

    You are fortunate in that you do know about the Law of Attraction because those who don't tend to put their focus out there. They blame other people and circumstances for what is going on in their life when really they can change what is going around them by shifting their energy. But instead they get stuck rehashing the negative things that are going on in their lives which prevents any positive changes from happening.

    However, those who do know about the Law of Attraction sometimes worry that their emotions are preventing them from getting what they want. This worry actually makes things worse. Worry only brings you more things to worry about. I have found a few ways to release my negative emotions when they come up. I shared a couple in other articles and will share more methods in the future. But it is also important to learn how to protect your good emotions. Here are a couple of ways to do so.


    Gratitude:
    I have learned to be grateful for all my circumstances, the good and the bad. It could be difficult to be grateful for an unwanted circumstance, but life has taught me that everything I had labeled "bad" has brought me at least one gift. At the time I did not see the gift(s) ofcourse. But once I focused on being grateful my negative emotions were released and then my circumstances shifted. Then, months, weeks, and sometimes just a few days later, I would recognize the gift(s) brought to me from the bad circumstance.


    Stay Away From Energy Drainers:
    In the past I did not realize that spending time with energy drainers affected me. But now that I am more aware of my emotions/energy, it is hard not to notice. I am hoping that there will come a time when my good energy will uplift others no matter how bad their energy is. But since I am not there yet, I am very selective as to who I spend my time with. This is important when it comes to emotions, because if you surround yourself with negative people whether you are aware of it or not, you pick up their energy. This is called Phase Entanglement.

    Basically when you come in contact with someone, you take some of their energy and you give them some of yours. Feelings of stress, anger, criticism, sadness, jealousy are low energy emotions which repel your desires. What was happening to me was that since there were so many low energy people in my life, I was giving them my good energy and they were giving me their yucky energy. Then when I'd get home I'd feel sick or feel like I wanted to take a nap. And ofcourse, I would not be in an emotional place in which I could attract my desires. Instead I was keeping them away from me.


    I am not saying to be terrified to talk to people or be around people. This will only make matters worse. I am just advising that you be more selective as to who you spend time with. I undertand that this could be difficult to do in a world full of negative people. In the future, I will write an article on how you could protect yourself from energy drainers. For now, just practice awareness. Limit your time spent with those who make you feel depleted.

    We affect each others emotions whether we are aware or not. Imagine what the world would be like if we all took responsibility for how we were feeling, instead of dumping our ugly energy onto others. If each of us cleaned up our own energy we'd be manifesting good things for ourselves. But also our good energy would be affecting those around us so that they too could manifest good things for themselves. If we all did this, we'd change our life for the better, but also we could change the world.


    Comparisons, Comparisons, Comparisons!

    "To some extent we all compare ourselves to others. It's easy to come up short because we compare our insides with other people's outsides, and while we know our own worst selves, we never fully know the pain, vulnerability, and sadness of others."

                                            - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of Fear and Other Uninvited Guests


    Like most other people, I assumed that others who had more than me lived happier lives. My experience has taught me that this is far from being true. But prior to recognizing the illusion, I felt terrible shame for having less than the people I knew. Not until I began paying attention to the many people who use their external presentations of themselves to hide what is going on in the inside.


    I have come across many humble people, especially recently, with much less than what others have who have taught me what it is to live with kindness, compassion, support, love, consideration, respect for self and others. These people have little to no education (some do not even speak English), yet they are the wisest people I have ever known.  They are also not hiding their "insides" with their "outsides". They are authentic and speak their truth. And they encourage me to boldy speak mine.

    Being around people with different economic status, education, appearance and lifestyles, has opened up my eyes as never before. It has taught me that in spite of the education of some people they behave like ignorant selfish fools. While others with none live inspiring lives.

    I am not promoting poverty nor am I encouraging anyone to quit school. I am just sharing that I have discovered how wrong I was to compare my external situation with others and what a waste of time and energy it was as well. I have learned not to be fooled by outside appearances because they do not mean a thing.  Externals do not determine how happy, wise, intelligent, kind, generous, loving, and decent human being you are. Nor does it determine your emotional and mental health.

    Next time you compare yourself with someone else and you end up feeling shame about your external situation,  remember that appearances are deceiving.  Or if you feel better than others because of your seemingly perfect external situation, check yourself because I guarantee there is an area you could work on.

    The best thing we could do is to not even bother comparing ourselves with others. However, I could see how for most people this would be hard to do. Even now that I know the truth sometimes I still get caught up with illusions and the comparisons begin.



    "As for dispiriting comparisons, the reality is this: There will always be folks who have more of something (better sex, a larger apartment, easier children) than we do. Likewise there will always be folks who have less. Both the 'have-more' and the 'have less' groups include people who live vital, joyful lives, as well as folks who feel chronicially bitter, cheated, and unhappy. Having more of  something we want can make life a lot easier, but it wont bring us meaning, happiness, or self-regard." - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

    Goals



    "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. "


    -Martin Luther King Jr.


    Most of us start with a big list of goals and resolutions on the first day of the year, but by the end of the year we have not accomplished much if anything of what we set out to do. There are many reasons behind this problem. Below I list what some of those challenges are and I offer solutions on how to solve them.


    • Have no time. Most of us are already overbooked with things to do. We are full of responsibilities and commitments that we do not really have much time to pursue new goals and desires. Solution: Start simplifying your life. Get rid of activities that are not benefitting you and are just time wasters. One example of a time wasting activity is watching too much TV. Some people use TV as a method to relax after a hectic day. I could understand that, I have done it myself on occasion. But most of what is shown on TV is not beneficial (unless you watch PBS). If you need to relax after a long day, try taking a walk instead. For those trying to get healthier or lose weight as one of their goals, you kill two birds with one stone.
    • Stop spending so much time with energy drainers. I know a couple of people who are frequently discouraged about not being able to accomplish their goals because they say they do not have time. But what I have found out is that these people spend way too much of their time with energy drainers or with people that are full of drama, gossip and negativity. Solution: You need to ask yourself why you long to be around these type of people. You have control over who you spend your time with so you must desire to spend time with energy vampires if you are doing so. Some people are very afraid of what they will find out if they go within to see their own shortcomings which are keeping them stuck so they focus their time and energy on someone else's drama. Other people are so bored with their own lives they seek out drama and ofcourse they find it. The more time you spend with energy drainers the less time you have for your goals.
    • Getting overwhelmed with your goals that you end up quitting before you even start. It has happened to me quite a bit in the past. I am the type of person that wants it "all", not "either/or". So there have been times where I have gone in circles, one goal is sabotaging my efforts on another goal. Solution: If you are the "I want it all" type of person, like myself, take baby steps on each of your goals. Let's say your goals are to lose weight, meet your life partner, spend time with friends and family, and find a job you truly love doing. Your first couple of weeks might be spent adding walks four times a week (for the losing weight goal). Start healing past wounds from relationships (to meet life partner goal). Schedule one time in advance to spend with a family member or a friend (for more time with family and friends goal). Begin thinking about what your passions and interests are (for finding a job you truly love doing goal). It may seem as though you have not accomplished much in the first two weeks, but as time goes and you do a little at a time, by the end of the year you would be much further than if you did not start at all. Or if you go full throttle, as I have done in the past, you will get so overwhelmed that you will quit at the beginning.

    For more solutions on how to reach goals please contact me. The first session is free and it may be all you need in order to get you going in the right direction.





    "Everyone thinks that the principle thing to a tree is the fruit, but in point of fact, the principal thing to it is the seed."

    - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
    (1844-1900)