Comparisons, Comparisons, Comparisons!

"To some extent we all compare ourselves to others. It's easy to come up short because we compare our insides with other people's outsides, and while we know our own worst selves, we never fully know the pain, vulnerability, and sadness of others."

                                        - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of Fear and Other Uninvited Guests


Like most other people, I assumed that others who had more than me lived happier lives. My experience has taught me that this is far from being true. But prior to recognizing the illusion, I felt terrible shame for having less than the people I knew. Not until I began paying attention to the many people who use their external presentations of themselves to hide what is going on in the inside.


I have come across many humble people, especially recently, with much less than what others have who have taught me what it is to live with kindness, compassion, support, love, consideration, respect for self and others. These people have little to no education (some do not even speak English), yet they are the wisest people I have ever known.  They are also not hiding their "insides" with their "outsides". They are authentic and speak their truth. And they encourage me to boldy speak mine.

Being around people with different economic status, education, appearance and lifestyles, has opened up my eyes as never before. It has taught me that in spite of the education of some people they behave like ignorant selfish fools. While others with none live inspiring lives.

I am not promoting poverty nor am I encouraging anyone to quit school. I am just sharing that I have discovered how wrong I was to compare my external situation with others and what a waste of time and energy it was as well. I have learned not to be fooled by outside appearances because they do not mean a thing.  Externals do not determine how happy, wise, intelligent, kind, generous, loving, and decent human being you are. Nor does it determine your emotional and mental health.

Next time you compare yourself with someone else and you end up feeling shame about your external situation,  remember that appearances are deceiving.  Or if you feel better than others because of your seemingly perfect external situation, check yourself because I guarantee there is an area you could work on.

The best thing we could do is to not even bother comparing ourselves with others. However, I could see how for most people this would be hard to do. Even now that I know the truth sometimes I still get caught up with illusions and the comparisons begin.



"As for dispiriting comparisons, the reality is this: There will always be folks who have more of something (better sex, a larger apartment, easier children) than we do. Likewise there will always be folks who have less. Both the 'have-more' and the 'have less' groups include people who live vital, joyful lives, as well as folks who feel chronicially bitter, cheated, and unhappy. Having more of  something we want can make life a lot easier, but it wont bring us meaning, happiness, or self-regard." - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.