Self Esteem and Love

Self -esteem-or,more commonly, the lack of self-esteem-is at the center of almost all dating problems I see. People who don't value themselves, who don't like themselves, who don't see themselves as worthy of love or happiness or respect tend to go through life without love or happiness or respect. People who don't love themselves can't be loved by others because with dating, just as with other elements of life, what you put out there is what you get in return. If you don't like yourself, if you don't think you deserve to be treated well and to be loved for who you are, you can't expect someone else to like you and treat you well and love you for who you are. -Patti Novak


According to Patti Novak, professional matchmaker, the following are "Self- Protective Behaviors" or "Garage Door Behaviors" keeping you from the love you want and deserve.

• Behavior: Extreme pickiness. Underlying Cause: Fear of being hurt- again. "They have long list of required qualities, physical attributes, financial offerings, and sexual required performance that they measure partners against: Big House? Check. Fancy Car? Check. Great legs, firm butt, and full set of hair? Check.Check.Check. Not only are these Extremely Picky Daters obnoxious, but they're also annoying, since most of the time they're looking for things they don't offer themselves. Like a high paying job or a great pension plan when they don't even have a job. Or a hot bod when they could stand to lose a few. Plenty of men are extremely picky too-they want to meet twenty-year-olds when they're pushing fifty, and they want those twenty-year-olds to have long blond hair when they themselves are bald."

• Behavior: Too busy to date. Underlying Causes: Procrastination and Avoidance. "Busy types either have one really demanding job, or two, or three jobs they juggle. They're over extended in every possible way- coaching their kid's soccer and baseball teams, volunteering at local soup kitchen or fund-raising for their favorite charity, very involved with a hobby that takes up enough time to be another full time job. On the rare occasions that Mr. Busy is home, he's swamped with home improvement projects that he insists are going to help him attract and keep the woman of his dreams. You know, the woman he has not met yet because he hasn't had time to go out on dates."

• Behavior: Too Old to Be Acting That Young. Underlying Causes: Low Self- Esteem, Issues with Aging, Post Divorce Adjustment. "Whether it's a divorced mom with kids who won't leave the bar before closing time or the soon-to-be-middle aged Party Boy who behaves like an obnoxious frat boy, older singles who can't, don't or won't act their age have problems.Whether it's excitement that's motivating them or a fear of loneliness, this type of dater is out partying too much and probably having way too many booty calls for their own good, let alone to be a successful dater. Other people who fall in this category are more commitment phobic and narcissistic than sad and lonely because of a change in relationship status. The Party Boy or Player is usually motivated by not wanting to grow up and because he wants to keep dating younger and younger girls to feel young and free for as long as possible. But dating twenty-year-olds when you're pushing forty isn't attractive-in fact, it's a red flag for smart, interesting women who are looking for a real connection, not just a night of shots."

• Behavior: Too promiscuous. Underlying Cause: Low Self Esteem, Still Getting Over an Ex, Anger issues."Similar to the Age Inappropriate Dater, the dater who is too easy and overly promiscuous is having trouble in the booty-call department. The person having too much casual sex and behaving in ways that are unsafe physically and emotionally is in just as much trouble as the person who can't get any dates-if not more. Singles who date too much and sleep around too much are problematic: Their lack of selectivity and their need for constant attention is an obvious sign something isn't right. Prosmiscuity-whether in the form of club and bar-hopping one night stands or texting old flames for a late night house call-is a sign of an unhealthy ego or unresolved emotional issues in both men and women."

• Behavior: Narcissistic. Underlying Causes: Narcissism, Low Self-Esteem. "I make no secret that narcissists are my least favorite type of dater to deal with because their egotisitic and self-centered behavior is annoying and because they're often completely resistant to change...and they're truly daters to avoid at all cost. Daters with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very destructive since they seduce and abandon the people they get involved with and inflict a great deal of emotional pain, suffering, and injury on them. But more common than the pathological narcissist is the garden variety type: the Narcissistic Dater. People who are narcissistic (as opposed to actual narcissists) do things we commonly think of as self-absorbed: talk about themselves too much, brag about their accomplishments and possessions, show no interest in the other person and ask no questions.. and he is the kind of dater who has developed behaviors like bragging and showing off to overcompensate for the fact that he feels like a nobody. Narcissistic men and women behave like you've lucky to meet them, lucky to be out with them, and lucky to sleep with them even though, deep down, they feel unworthy and fear rejection, and even though their inflated sense of self and nonstop self-absorption is often a huge turn off."

Patti mentions several other negative behaviors; "Too Shy, Awkward, and Inexperienced." Cause: Low Self-Esteem. "Can't flirt." Causes: Insecurity and Low Self-esteem. " Too Chunky/Dumpy/Frumpy/Lumpy." Causes: Low Self-Esteem and Confidence.