Love Map

For the past several years, do to my "unluckiness" in finding a healthy love relationship I have been learning much on healing past wounds and also gathering information from various expert psychologists to understand why we choose the partners that we choose. The following are some of the things that I have learned.



Basics On The Love Map:


We all have a unique love map. Basically a love map is a program downloaded into our subconscious during our childhood years telling us what love should look like. For example, you are a woman and as a child there was a male family member who showed you consistent love and affection who happened to have blue eyes. So when you become an adult your preference in eye color for a love partner may be blue eyes because you associate love with men who have blue eyes. The person might be a jerk, but because he has blue eyes you do not realize it (at least at the beginning) since your perception is that all men with blue are good guys because that person in your childhood had blue eyes and he was really kind.

What gets programmed is not only physical characteristics, but also maneurisms, emotional resonance, character (or lack of), behaviors, personality, etc. For the most part, we are not consciously aware of what our love map is since it was programmed into our subconscious early in life. Part of your love map is also based on what you observed during your childhood on how your parents related to one another. If your parents' relationship was abusive that is the kind of person you will be attracted to. Perhaps not on a conscious level but at an unconscious level.




Body Chemicals:


Pheromones and other chemicals that determine a person's smell and taste. Have you ever been on a date and something about the person's smell did not resonate with you? Not because he/she smelled bad, but even though you were not able to determine why you just did not like the smell. Sometimes you are not aware that his/her smell is what is turning you off. You think the person is attractive and nice enough, but you just don't feel any desire to get to close to that person. In fact you prefer not to. Or when you kiss the person you can't stand the way he/she tastes. This is basically mother nature telling you it is not a good match for the survival of the species.




Emotional Resonance:

If you are shallow, you will attract shallow people and be attracted to them. Low self-esteem attracts low self-esteem. If you are happy you attract happy people. If you are emotionally healthy you attract healthy people.




A Subconscious Need:

Many of us who had a dysfunctional home during childhood have needs to correct the problems. For example, if your father was emotionally unavailable you would unconsciously date emotionally unavailable men because you want to fix what you were not able to fix as a child. You may not be aware that this is what you are doing. In fact, most people don't and they remain puzzled as to why they keep attracting the same type of person repeatedly.




Counter Partners:


Addicts tend to attract enablers/codependent people. Abusers/bullys attract people who see themselves as victims. Emotionally unavailable people attract needy people.




Beliefs:


The beliefs that are the hardest to change are those programmed in our childhood years. Mostly because they are in our subconscious so we are not able to change them until we become consciously aware of them. If you hold the belief that all men are jerks, then that is the type of men you will attract. If you believe all women are shallow and want you only for your money, then that is what you will attract.