Advice For Choosing A Mate

There is much ignorance out there on what to expect in a partner in order to be successful in maintaining a long term healthy relationship that could be considered adequate for marriage. Some people seem to have the scarcity mentality and think that you must settle or you wont get another chance later. But I did a little research and contacted friends, both male and female, who have been happily married long term in order to get their opinion. The following is the advice that was given to me.

• You should be choosy and never settle, you are never too old.
• To be tied to someone in marriage requires that you be satisfied with your decision otherwise why get married to that person? It only sets you up for problems in the future.
• I disagree with people who have the "You must settle because.." mentality. Sometimes it bothers people that you can have standards and be patient and they can't.
• You deserve and actually should be choosy.
• Before considering to commit to someone think, "If this person never changed, would I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her?"
• You should like things about the person that are important for a long term healthy relationship. If you can't stand the way he smells or taste when you kiss, that is a giant, red flag.
• He/She needs to bring the best out of you, not the worse.
• Be cautious of people who put you up on a pedestal. They are just infatuated. Real love is about a person recognizing your faults and loving you anyway. The person that is infatuated will leave you after the infatuation bubble burst and he realizes his fantasy does not match the real you.
• One of the most important attributes in your perspective spouse is his/her willingness to learn and change in order to meet your needs.
• If you are fascinated by the silent type, later don't complain that in your married life you can't get him to talk.
• Don't get involved with potential. What you want must clearly be there.
• You must have similar spiritual views and respect each other's beliefs.
• Common goals or at least able to support each others goals. Be proud and and believe in each other.
• Be cautious of those who claim they have all these things in common with you, or all of a sudden develop many common interest. They are just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because they are infatuated.
• Don't fall for peer pressure or family pressure, even if it's well intended. They are not the ones who will be spending the rest of their lives with this person.
• If he proclaims his love for you within a few days of meeting (worse if you have not even met yet), he is full of shit. Wait a few months once he has come down a bit from fantasy world before you make any commitments to him. Love takes time.
• Watch out for those who do not take responsibility for their past relationship failures. They did not learn from their mistakes and are likely to repeat them with you and blame you when your relationship falls apart..with someone like this, it will fall apart. Believe me.
• You have to match, feel a connection, with your partner emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If the four of these are not there, I guarantee you will not be happy with this person.
• He is a small fry, what you need is a Big Mac (This one made me laugh even though I do not know exactly what my friend meant).

As I was reviewing my "happily" married friends' advice, I couldn't help but notice how similar it was from what I had heard from relationship and marriage experts. Which reminds me, be careful who you get your advice from, it can lead you wrong.

I while back I went out on a date with someone and I couldn't stand anything about him. I mentioned it to a friend (now former friend). Her advice was, "I know you don't drink, but have 2-3 beers, a couple of tequila shots, and you should be fine." So Basically she suggested I get intoxicated in order to be able to date him and perhaps even develop a drinking problem. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But at the time my self-esteem was low because of all the challenges I was experiencing in my life. So when she added that I was too picky and was too old and should settle because I will not get another chance, I began to wonder if maybe she was right. Now it makes me laugh, but at the moment she told me this I almost did consider picking up drinking in order to be able to date this man.

So be careful who you get your advice from!