Who Takes Care of The Caretakers?

"I finally began to admit that I, too, was more aware of other people's feelings than my own; that I had been repeating the patterns of my childhood without recognizing them...that my image of myself was very distant from other people's image of me; and in short, my childhood years - a part of my life I had thought I walled off - were still shaping the present as surely as a concealed magnet shapes the dust." - Gloria Steinem



Could there be a such thing as over caring for people? Psychiatrists and experts say there is. They call it co-dependency.There are many reasons behind taking the role of a caretaker and I could go into details why I took on this role, but I will save it for another time. For now I want to just focus on writing about how the caretaker role can hinder you.

The following is what I have found out are the drawbacks of being too caring.

1. When you are so concerned with other people's problems and try to help them, you ignore your own healing. From what I learned, this is common among women. We believe that by caring for others other people will return that care, but it is not the case. Actually what happens is that some people abuse your kindess.
2. You enable those who have issues to continue doing what they are doing even if it is harming them. Ofcourse you think you are being helpful, but what is actually happening is that you are not allowing them to grow up and heal their stuff.
3. You run the risk of causing conflict with people you want to help because they are still in denial, don't want your help or they are annoyed with your compulsive attention. Like the Reverend fom my church said on last Sunday's service, we have to trust that our loved ones will find their way and should the time come that they do need help, they also have access on getting that help from people and God.
4. Another drawback is that you attract others who take advantage of you. Such as perhaps a mate who does not care about what your needs are and is only interested in his own selfish needs.
5. You repel healthy people. Healthy people expect an equal give and take and attract others who are also more in balance. Healthy people are not comfortble with always being the takers or always being the givers. On the other hand, people who are selfish and self centered are attracted to caretakers like moths to flame.
6. When you over care for your children, you do not allow them to learn certain lessons that they need to learn in order to become successful, efficient, happy adults. I was doing this with my son. I thought I was just being a good mom. I did not want him to experience any suffering or challenges. In reality while we are on earth this is not possible. We all have to go through our own lessons. By being so into my son's life and over protective I was actually harming him. Also, I was hurting myself as well, because I was so full of anxiety about him it was causing too much stress. I have noticed that many moms do this. I know moms who spent all night awake doing (not helping) a child's school project or running to the store with last minute request from a child. In the meantime, the child missed the lessons of giving himself enough time to do his homework, ask in advance if he is not understanding an assignment or project, planning ahead, and not to mention what he could have learned by doing the project himself.
7. Many people over care because they live vicariously through others instead of living their own lives to the fullest. It is common for parents to do this. Especially mothers do this with their daughters. However, what happens once the child no longer needs you or is done living her life for you? There is nothing wrong with supporting your child's dreams. But are you living yours? "Is there a cruelor way to survive than feeding off your offspring?"-Sarah Ban Breathnatch
8. Some people do not want to be helped. They say they do, but really they just want to play the victims in their lives. You are not helping them see how they get in their own way when you endulge them. Plus you waste precious energy and time that could be used on yourself or someone who actually really wants to change their life.
9. You are so focused on the problems of others that you neglect your own. Sometimes this happens because we have the false belief that the more we care for others the more we will be loved. For some reason caretakers believe that if they are not being martyrs and always being there for others even at the expense of their own health and well being, they will not be loved.
10. You become an expert on everyone else's problems, but you end up having no clue on what is going on with you. You pretty much alienate yourself from your Self. Last year I had been getting many signs that it was time to stop the caretaker behavior, but I ignored them. Until my godfather talked to me and told me that it was time to take care of myself. I have no idea what caused him to say that to me. We were talking about my father and all of a sudden he was telling me that it was okay for me to be there for me. I finally began to listen. Every now and then I still forget and it has taken much practice to pay attention to my needs. But there is always someone or something to remind me that it is okay to care for me. Like when I talked to Bill last week. Out of the blue he said, "Let go of the false beliefs religion, culture, family and friends that tell you it is not okay to take care of you first. Forget about what others think about it. Feelings of undeserving your own self care will only repel good things from coming to you." Ofcourse it is easier said than done, but I have gotten so much better.

When we are children we develop warped perceptions as to how the world works. Many of us grew up believing the same things our mothers did. If one day you wanted to finally keep some toy just for you, it was snatched from your hands to give to someone else and you were told you were a selfish brat. So you end up believing that you have to become a martyr and endlessly give to others even when truthfully you can not afford to- but then you will be loved (so we think). Ofcourse the more it is encouraged by the primary caregivers, the roles and perceptions become more frequent until finally they make up who you are. However, it is not the real you. It is only the mask you have worn for so long in order to get love. Even when you believe that you know better, you end up repeating the same childhood patterns because your subconscious remembers for you that in order to get love you never think about yourself first. So you patiently wait until finally it is your turn to receive and that day never seems to come.