Mid Life Awakening

"Without recognizing our own rites of passage, we can become more easily disoriented and disheartened on our life journey. We may be in the midst of powerful moments of transition and transformation, but misenterpret these as moments of failure, weakness of character, or even a kind of insanity. We may have no way within ourselves of saying good-bye to the past, letting go of the old and fully embracing the new.And upon emerging from our initiation by fire, we may not even realize that we have emerged at all, or be fully aware of the profound transformation that has taken place deep within us."



                                             -Dr. Barbara De Angelis



My "mid life awakening" has been quite an adventure. There have been things that I experienced that I would rather not have. However, my mid life period has been the catalyst for healing, growth, learning, insights, revelations, changes and transformation. It has also brought me closer to my authentic self.

I can't pinpoint exactly when my "crises" started. I just remember a few years ago beginning to feel as though something was off, but I did not know what, much less what to do about it. I had been so busy with daily life concerns that I had not taken the time to figure out why exactly I felt this way. I then got the opportunity to reflect on my life. What I found was that I was not living based on my values and true beliefs. I was also not being true to myself.

I pretended I did not see the truth for a while because I did not want to make any waves. Until finally it got to the point where I just wanted to scream at the frustration of living a lie. Once I discovered my masks, I noticed those around me living a facade as well.

I learned all the ways I have kept myself from learning the truth about myself and how others do the same. I thought I was just too busy to take time to be with me in order to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. But neglecting doing this only kept me repeating the same mistakes and remaining stuck.

For a long time I even thought I was going insane because my emotions went haywire when I started to get some insights on the truth. The truth heals, but first it will pisses you off, I think Gloria Steinem said this once. The growth has been extensive. There were times I thought I just could not take it anymore. Everything about my life looked chaotic and messy. There were moments I fell for the false beliefs of others and began to see myself as a failure. Fortunately for me I had been building an emotional support sytem for myself and I was reminded of the truth.

To go through a mid life awakening takes strenght and lots of courage. You have to stand up for yourself, your beliefs, values and the truth. Like my sister has told me during my moments of weakness, "At least you are being true to yourself. No matter how good it looks on the outside, most everyone else is living a lie." I suppose the reason I found my courage was because I had experienced what it was like to live a lie and it only brought me deep depression.

My growth, healing and learning process is far from completed. But now that I understand what is really going on, I am quite proud of myself. Even when everyone was against me I hung in there. I can't tell you how good it feels now not to be wearing any masks and to have finally have met people who truly love me, in spite of being my authentic self.

I do not recommend self-reflection and soul searching for the weak. True growth and tansformation is for those who are strong, courageous and no longer willing to live in denial. No matter how ugly the truth looks, I have to tell you, it has been a lot better than living a lie.


"When society has no understanding of these inner rites of passage into wisdom, it wrongly identifies them as something else...The midlife crisis is an experience that is misnamed. It should be called midlife awakening. It is emotional alchemy that rebirths us as a crucial point in our life journey. To dismis this point of great soul-searching as midlife crises is to insinuate that the life circumstances that came before this were 'normal,' and that deep self-reflection and reassessment is some sign of mental instability or temporary confusion, rather than a moment of awakening. Who's to say the life before wasn't a crises? Perhaps it's more accurate to suggest that it is those those who never question their lives, their choices or themselves who are in crises."




                                -Dr. Barbara De Angelis