Scales on a Fish

"Scales have the power to turn a previously depressing day into one with sunshine, and a previously bright day into a miserable one. When we get on a scale we say, 'Tell me, machine, how I should feel about myself today.'...A scale, however, is just a scale- a cold, lifeless piece of metal- until we give it its power. " -Geneen Roth


I was trying to remember how long it has been since I last weighed myself but I just can't remember. However, I know that I have lost weight based on how my clothes fits me. This is in spite of the fact that I do not diet, I am a forty-year-old woman, I gave birth to a son and I do not do streneous exercises. It is not necessary to deprive yourself and watch every morsel that goes into your mouth in order to maintain a healthy weight or even to lose weight. I did not always know this myself.

I was a perfectionist when it came to my body. While I did not have a specific diet plan I was following, I was very strict as to what I was allowed to eat. I worked out daily with no exceptions, even on days I was sick, because I was afraid of gaining an ounce. I would weigh myself every morning and if I had maintained my weight I'd be okay. If I lost weight I'd be happy. However, if I gained weight I felt lousy the whole day.

At the time I did not know that muscle weighs more than fat and that women retain water during certain times of the month. I finally now understand why women my age who were much bigger and never exercised weighed a lot less than I did. I also now know that just because you are thin it does not mean that you are healthy. I heard a story of a woman who is ultra thin, but she is bulimic and anorexic. She has already miscarried three babies. The doctor has told her that if she ever wants to have a child, she needs to learn to eat normally and get her body healthy in order to be able to carry a baby. Even then the doctor is not so sure she could have a baby since she has messed up her body so bad with her eating disorders.


Yet, there are many women who still believe that a diet will make them thin, happy and healthy. I can't pinpoint exactly why I stopped dieting, since I did not know the negative effects on dieting when I stopped. I think that I was just tired of being a masochist and of the deprivation. I still try to feed myself nutritious foods most of the time. But I also enjoy junk food. Just last night my son wanted me to bake a cake for him. In the past I would not have done so in fear that I would not be able to control myself and have some as well. But yesterday, I noticed how peacefully and joyfully I made the cake and made the hot chocolate to go with it. I even had a decent slice of cake for myself with no remorse whatsoever.

Since I do not weigh myself I am not paranoid about everything I eat. I have sad memories of the days I weighed myself daily and I would be so hungry after exercising after work but I did not allow myelf to eat anything because it was after seven in the evening. I went to bed hungry and could not sleep because my stomach would be growling so bad. If I'd give in to my hunger and allow myself to have a tiny apple to quiet down my stomach at least a bit, I'd be worrying that I gained weight. The next morning I would be angry at myself if I'd gained even an ounce. As though a tiny apple could have really made a difference. I know it did not because even when I did not give in and have the apple there were days I gained a couple of pounds anyway. So in order to avoid obsessiveness with food and to stop allowing an object to determine my worth or what kind of day I should have, I just do not weigh myself.



"We make it into an instrument that tells us if we should like ourselves that day or not. And we do that by accepting societal beliefs about the goodness and the rightness of being of lower rather than a higher weight and also by continuing to weigh ourselves day after day. As if you can't tell by the way your clothes fit whether you've lost or gained weight. As if you need punishment to force you into losing weight. As if you weren't a feeling, thinking, capable human being who can decide for yourself what kind of day you're going to have and how you are going to feel about yourself. Throw the scale out. Or paste your ideal weight on it so that when you ask if you're allowed to feel good about yourself that day, it says, 'of course.' "

                                      -Geneen Roth