Self -Parenting

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you may need to learn how to self parent yourself. The following could be signs that you did not develop in a healthy way, both emotionally and in your psyche.

• You are codependent if you find yourself needing others to make you happy, whether it be friends, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or children. Codependent people do not know how to make themselves happy. They give to others and focus on their happiness expecting that the other person will repay them and bring them happiness. This is not how it works, we are all responsible for our own happiness. People feel it when you give to them with strings attached. Some people believe that only women have codependent tendencies. That is not so at all. Although the majority of codependents do seem to be women. What I have been taught by my savvy best friend is, "Do not give to anyone unless your own cup is full and only when you can give without expecting anything in return." Learn to make yourself happy. Ideally you are suppose to learn how to do this from your parents, but if your parents are unhappy themselves you end up growing into an adult with a warped expectation of what others should do for you.

• Developed anxiety. In a perfect world your parents would have taught you how to self soothe without using drugs, food, alcohol, work or busyness. Anxiety is a very serious disorder. It does not only keep you from being the best you, but sometimes you can't even get out of your own room without breaking into a sweat or feeling shaky and nauseous. In my own experience when I have gotten anxious I had stomach problems among other physiological issues. I have healed most of my anxiety, but a couple of days ago I began having stomach problems again. I thought it was a stomach flu.  After doing some relaxation techniques that my new friends taught me, and a beautiful prayer I received last night from a group of friends, I woke up this morning with no stomach problems whatsoever. And because I calmed down I figured out that I had been anxious (not the flu as I thought) and the reason why I was feeling so anxious. Prior to learning the relaxation techniques I would have used workaholism, busyness, inappropriately overcared about someone else's emotions and/or life in order to suppress my anxious feelings. Or I would have used food to sedate myself. No surprise my life had been so imbalanced and unhealthy for so long. 

The following is a list of causes of unhealthy self-parenting.

• depression
• emotional eating
• needyness
• emotionally challenged
• overly critical of self or others
• perfectionist tendencies
• workaholism (since this is encouraged by society, especially employers, most people do not realize they have a problem)
• useless busyness
• caretaking while ignoring your own needs
• martyr
• victim
• bully
• pattern in attracting unhealthy relationships
• OCD- Could be difficult to become aware of this one because ususally it is disguised as a good thing.
• low self-esteem
• lack of self confidence
• addictions; drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, food or even to people.

To learn more about self-parenting and how you might have been affected growing up an alcoholic household please read  Dr. John K. Pollard's Self-Parenting or John Bradshaw's Homecoming. There are many books and resources out there on self-parenting. But what I like about these books is that not only do they help you understand why you have developed certain negative behaviors, beliefs, and bad habits, but also they show you how to turn things around by teaching you healthy ways to parent yourself.

"The harsher your outer parenting is as a child, the harsher your Self-Parenting will be as an Inner Parent. The most damaging outer parenting by far seems to be that given to the children of alcoholic parents. The coping mechanisms and defense patterns required by these children for survival are equivalent to those needed by concentration camp survivors. These emotional patterns and psychological issues are extremely deep and very difficult to overcome by oneself due to the nature of self-denial and self-isolation required for survival by the victims."

                                    -Dr. John K. Pollard