Fear of Commitment

Usually when people speak of fear of commitment they are referring to men. However, many women also have a fear of commitment and the numbers are increasing. Although it is very difficult to detect on women because the signs show up in different ways than they do for men.

Experts say that part of the reason is because men are still the ones who generally initiate dates and propose for marriage. Women are more passive and could use the excuse that no good men ask them out on dates or that they want to marry, but the man does not want to commit.

If you repeatedly find yourself in relationships where a man does not want to commit, has serious character flaws or is emotionally unavailable, then these are clues that you have a fear of commitment. You may say that it is impossible because you give so much to the relationship and insist that should he change and propose you'd marry him in an instant.

The truth is that you picked him precisely because of his flaws. Maybe not consciously, but unconsciously for sure.  When we are afraid of love we get hooked on people and relationships who are doomed to fail from the start. This way we ensure that the relationship never gets to the commitment stage. Should the person change his ways, be all that we want him to be and commit, we'd find an excuse as to why we can not commit and may also break up the relationship.

Some use various methods to force people to break up with them by cheating or doing something unforgivable so that there is no way the significant other will want to continue with the relationship. I know a man who has been engaged two times and in both cases he cheated on his fiance to break up the relationship.  Another time he broke up with a girlfriend when she brought some clothes over to his home. They had been dating for years and she helped him get through the hardest time of his life. He seemed devoted to her and even ignored family members who warned him she had some serious character flaws.  He defended her the whole time.  After she helped him get through some extreme life challenges they got very close and she asssumed that the next step was for her to move in. Needless to say she was shocked when he broke up with her on the spot just because she took a few personal items to his home. When I asked him what had happened to cause him to back out of these relationships he blamed it on the women. Which is odd because he was all for exclusivity even marriage until they requested the wedding date or wanted to move in. Then all of a sudden these women had deep flaws he was not aware of before even though he dated these women for years and I am sure these flaws where there since the beginning.


Although this example was of a man there are many women who do this as well. There are numerous of other ways to break up or create distance in relationships. You might do this by saying you are too busy with work, school or both to date someone exclusively. I know a woman who does this. Her boyfriend broke up with her recently, but when they were together they rarely saw each other anyway. Now they go out as "friends" and she informed me the other day that she likes it this way because she is so busy with her life she does not have time for the demands of dating exclusively much less marriage.  I know this woman farely well and if anyone has time and is in a good circumstantial place to date is her. My gut tells me she has commitment issues and she is not even aware of it.

I have used my own excuses in the past as to why I was not married. I fooled many people into believing that all I wanted was marriage. I even fooled myself. But after doing extensive healing on several areas of my life I found out that I had a  fear of commitment. My parents' marriage was so dysfunctional that I had a bad perception of what marriage was. Not until recently have I seen examples of good marriages and realized that my marriage does not have to be like my parents' marriage.

I still have some apprehension when it comes to long term commitment for too many reasons to list here. However, now it is more healthy and reasonable. I have learned that it is normal to have some fear. The importance is to become of aware of it so that we are not doing things unconsciously to hurt ourselves or others. Ironically when we are not aware of our fear, which is there to protect us, we create even more drama in our lives unconsciously dating dysfunctional people we will never have to commit to.

My practice now is to stay aware and present while dating. Not trying to make anything happen, just paying attention to who the person I am dating really is instead of fantasing about the future or pushing for exclusivity. Some family members and friends assume that because I am a woman, 40 years old, and normal, I should be hunting for a man to trap and manipulate to marry me.  But I know better than that. This is precisely how my mother got my father to marry her and things did not turn out so well for either of them. I have also seen countless of other women do the same who live in loveless marriages.

I am no longer attracting inadequate men and when someone dysfunctional crosses my path I am able to spot him right away. I have healed my distorted deep fears of commitment. When a fear does come up I now ask myself if the fear is reasonable or if it is because of something that happened in the past.


I share this article because there are a couple of people I care about who truly believe they want marriage and children, but seem to be repeating the same dysfunctional patterns when it comes to love. They too witnessed unhealthy marriages in their childhood. I hope that they realize it is time for some healing before it is too late.


If you'd like more information on this topic I currently give advice in forums for http://www.divinecaroline.com.