Tips For The Active Commitmentphobic

The numbers of both active and passive commitmentphobics are increasing. Experts say that one reason behind this is that in the past women were more afraid of not getting married. Since women were not allowed to work or own property getting married was the only way to survive. So any fears about getting married were outweighed with fears of dying alone, in poverty and becoming homeless.

But since things have changed women are now seeing that they have many more choices even if in the future they would like to have children. Some of them do want to get married, someday, but they may still have deep subconscious fears about commitment which causes them to be attracted to other commitmentphobics. She may take the passive role while he takes the active role.  So it seems as though the problem is with the men she dates not with her.

One reason that fear of commitment in men has increased is that in the past if a man wanted to have sex and have the affection of a woman, he had to marry her. So any fears that he may have had about commitment were suppressed or controlled. But now there is such easy access to sex that a man's fears for commitment can be overwhelming. Even if he cares for a woman his main focus is on how he could get away regardless of how much he hurts her.

As I said before, both men and women can be actively afraid of commitment. The following are tips for these men and women.

• Don't rush the relationship. If you know that you have let down many people before it is best to control your fantasies about this new person and not make any promises you can not keep. Don't promise the moon and the stars if you know that there is a possibity that when things get real you will flee.
• Keep your insecurities on check. Don't be asking someone for a commitment when it is inappropriate to do so just because you are afraid this person will leave or find somebody else. You know that once you have the commitment your fears will overwhelm you and you will be looking for a way out.
• Get your head out of the fantasy bubble.  Don't be telling a person you just met that she/he is the love of your life. Or that you never met anyone like her/him. Or that you see yourself married to him/her. This gets the other person believing that you have developed feelings for her/him when in reality you are just fantasizing and will not be available for the long haul.
•  Stop the blame game. It is typical for active commitmentphobics to blame their romantic partners for ending the relationship. Usually it is a ridiculous reason which was present when the relationship started in the first place. Yet the Active commitmentphobic did not see it as a problem until things got real. Take responsibility for your fears and I suggest you also get help from a qualified therapist.  Blaming others will never get you to the bottom of your fears. A good therapist will.
• Don't mess with someone's life, their loved ones and especially not with their kids. If you can't back it up with something real don't try to include the other person's loved ones in the courtship. When you do this the other person starts thinking that the relationship is getting serious and that you have strong feelings for her/him. When the truth is you don't even know if you will be around tomorrow.
• Don't pretend you are someone you are not. Alot of times active commitmentphobics say things to impress their partner, but it is not the truth. They say things such as, "I just want to be settled now" or "I can't wait to have kids." Be honest, you are not ready for something serious and telling someone that you are is very irresponsible. If the person was not thinking about a future with you, now he/she is since you brought it up.
• Don't cheat in order to end or create distance in the relationship. If you want out of the relationship say so. Why hurt others more than it is necessary? This is the coward's way out. Why not practice being honest about your fears for a change so that your partner protects herself appropriately?
• Don't set unreasonable boundaries. Another escape route that active commitmentphobics use is putting ridiculous restrictions on intimacy in the relationship. Such as only seeing their partners once every month or every two months for no good reason. Not spending holidays or special occasions with their partner is another example. 
• Don't talk about your problems with your partner unless you truly want to work on the relationship. Your partner will try to fix things if you say there is a problem. When the truth is that you do not want things to work out, you just want to escape. The only reason you bring up the problems is to alleviate your guilt that you are having about planning your exit.
• Don't practice the Houdini. If you want to leave say so. Don't just disappear leaving your partner wondering what happened. It is cruel and irresponsible. You owe your partner an explanation. The least you could do is be honest and tell the other person that you have commitment problems and that your fears are overwhelming you so you need to leave. Otherwise your partner will wonder what he/she did or if you are dead out in a gutter somewhere.  

There are three additional things to know about active commitmentphobics. One is that they avoid working on the relationship. They do not want it to work, they want to escape. If you are the passive one you will only aggravate the active person's fears by trying to make the relationship work. Just let the person go and work on yourself so that in the future you are ready to attract someone who is able and willing to give you the love and commitment that you deserve.

The second thing is that often the relationship with commitmentphobics is very passionate. The reason behind this is because they don't know if they will be around tomorrow so they give it their all when they see you thinking that it may be the last. This is why people who are left have a hard time understanding what happened. One mintute you are kissing passionately, next thing you know he will not return your calls.  It is not something you did. It is just typical active commitmentphobic behavior. This is why I tell people to slow down. To prevent themselves from getting hurt uncessarily.

The third thing is that people who are actively afraid of commitment do not want closure because they want the option to return should they change their mind. Ending a relationship is a form of commitment too so they are constantly with one leg in and one leg out. The active person might already be married or living with someone else, but still calling you as a security blanket in case he/she wants to return to you. The problem is that when you give the active person this reassurance you will never heal and prepare for someone who is healthy and deserves you. You will be allowing the active person to string you along even though it is not likely he/she will go back to you.



If you have a pattern of dating commitmentphobics please see my article Tips For The Passive Commitmentphobic 9/9/12.

Please contact me for more information on this article. I am available for email sessions as well if you prefer.