Tips for The Passive Commitmentphobic

A clue that you are a passive commitmentphobic is that you want to force love. You meet someone and and you immediately want to know if you are going to be exclusive and if it is going to be a permanent thing.  The problem is that when you meet someone you can not know these things right away. If the other person tells you they know after just meeting you they are either commitmentphobic themselves or have unrealistic perceptions of what love is.

Another clue is that you have a history of dating commitmentphobics, people who are not available either physically or emotionally, or have serious character flaws. The reason you look for these type of people is because a man who is serious about commitment and is ready to do so terrifies you. Therefore, you choose someone who will never be able to commit to you for whatever reason. You may not be choosing these partners consciously, but you are definitely doing so on the subconscious level.

Perhaps this may be hard for you to believe. It was for me. I thought that I was doing everything I could to have an exclusive relationship. And I was, but always with inadequate partners.  They had the built in barrier that gave me the safety net to give my all to this person. But ofcourse the love was not returned. I have since then learned and healed much of my commitment issues. I no longer attract low energy people. But in the beginning of your healing it could be hard to spot people who are not good for you. The following are tips to follow so that you protect yourself from getting hurt again and to give you the space to heal thoroughly.

• Do not force things to happen when you meet someone. Instead spend your time paying attention to what he says or doesn't say, what he does or doesn't do. Remind yourself that when you try to force things to happen it is your own insecurities wanting to cement the relationship with someone you do not even know and may possibly hurt you.
• Take things slow. You need time and space to get to know someone. If you have a history of choosing wrong partners it is especially crucial that you take things slow. Regardless of how things appear on the outside. Appearances could be deceiving. Put your hormones and fantasies on check. Remind yourself that you want to do things differently now in order to attract a more suitable partner. Know that if a man truly likes you he will not go away if you need to take things slow.
• Start exploring why it may be that you are afraid to commit. You might think it is ridiculous in your case because consciously you want to get married and be settled.  But if you listen to your intuition it will tell you why you have a fear of commitment. In my case I was afraid to repeat the relationship my parents had. In fact, I remember my mother saying that she wasted the best years of her life with my father. When she would tell me this I would say to myself, "Well I am not wasting my best years of my life for anyone. If and when I marry it will be after I am forty years old. Then I will be ready." I had forgotten about this until a few years ago when I began my healing.
• Don't try to sell yourself as the perfect partner. Keep your focus on your life. You don't know who he really is in the beginning. This is the time to collect data not the time to try to convince someone how fabulous you are. If he is right for you he will know without you having to tell him anyway.
• Protect yourself by not being easily won over. This is not a game. People sometimes say things they do not mean either because they are caught up in infatuation or they want something from you in return. Such as sex.  Sometimes they go as far as wanting to meet your family, do favors for you, or are nice to your kids. Don't fall for the bait. Only time will tell if he is sincere. Protect yourself and your loved ones in the meantime.
• Stay realistic and keep your fantasies on check no matter what he says or does. Active commitmentphobics could be excellent romancers and very charming. They say exactly what you want to hear. But remember that once they have you they can't keep up the romancing and their commitment fears take over so they leave more often than not. If someone is overdoing the romance in the beginning, telling you that he has met the love of his life after just one date or two, remind yourself there is something wrong with him. And with you as well if you believe him.
• Maintain healthy boundaries. This means that you do not give too much of yourself in the beginning. I do not mean be coldhearted and unpleasant to be around. What I mean is that you do not revolve your whole life around him. You do not devote your time and energy on his needs. Maintain focus on your needs and your own life. This is not selfish it is self protective. It is very common for women to give their all to men in the beginning and then deeply regret it a couple of weeks or sometimes just days later. 

Keep in mind that there are also active commitmentphobic women and passive commitmentphobic men. The above tips are for both men and women who are passively afraid of commiment. In a future article I will write tips for the active commitmentphobics. From what I learned partners sometimes switch off.  Therefore, it is best to read both articles. Not only so that you know how to spot someone who is a commitment phobic, either actively or passively, but for yourself. To protect yourself and to prevent yourself from hurting others because of your fears.



I have many more tips. However, it is difficult to write it all down in one article.  If you would like more information please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com. The first session is free. I am also available for email coaching if that is your preference.