Feel Your Pain, Then Forgive

I have never gone to psychotherapy myself, mainly because I have heard of so many people spending years in therapy and nothing got resolved. I also have never been to 12 steps programs for the same reason. At one point, when things were going very bad for me, I was tempted to go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. But I was afraid that I would be like so many people, stuck in victim mode. Ofcourse it is only my opinion. I know many have been helped with therapy and 12 steps programs. It just has never been for me.

But I have also come to the realization that ignoring or suppressing problems does not work either. For many years that was me. I ignored my past figuring it was over and done with and there was no need for me reflect on it and how it was affecting my present life. Honestly, I did not think my childhood had anything to do with my life as an adult. Because of this I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over in all areas of my life.

This was until my world was turned upside down and I was forced to take a look at the ugly things that had happened in my childhood that I had been denying for so long. The biggest breakthrough came after my father died. For some reason the event of my father passing over, triggered something inside of me that forced me to stop denying the truth. While grieving his death I also went through a period of mourning for being cheated from a normal childhood. I became angry, sad (even depressed), anxious, etc. All of the stages for grieving.

I allowed myself to feel all the grief and pain the memories brought up. It was as though my whole system was going through a major emotional detox. After that I was able to forgive. However, I also learned that forgiving did not mean you condone a person's bad behavior nor did it mean you had to allow that person to hurt you in the present. It meant forgiving the person for my own well being and setting healthy boundaries so that the person has no way of hurting me again. This has been one of my biggest, if not the biggest, of my triumphs so far. To forgive, yet set healthy boundaries.

I write this not to discourage people from going to therapy, but to encourage you not to stay stuck in your pain. Have the courage to admit the truth, feel the pain, forgive and then move on to live a joyful and fulfilling life. Also, do not wait for others to allow you to feel what you feel. Some people might minimize your experience because it is not what they experienced or they are denying what they also went through. Regardless, you are not here to defend your emotions to anyone. You are here to heal and grow. If you do find yourself having to defend your emotions maybe it is best to seek help with a therapist, support group, or a person from your church. I was fortunate to find a Reverend, a church group, and like minded friends I could talk to when I need someone to just hear me out. I also learned some wonderful things about 12 step programs from a wise and trusted friend of mine.