Mother Hen

"Mother Hens have low-self-esteem, either because of a bad breakup or body issues, and they smother potential dates with their well-meaning but completely unsexy motherliness. They're classic enablers who find it easier to focus on others than to think of their own need to take care of everyone else except themselves. Someone who always has to take care of and fix everyone else is often the oldest sibling in her family and probably was a caregiver to the younger children when they were growing up." - Patti Novak


I read a story in Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book called Bad Childhood Good Life, about a woman who was always putting her brother's needs before her own, even after she got married and had her own family. The reason she did this is that she took on the "Mother Hen" role as a child because her parents were not emotionally available to do so. As the oldest she felt responsible to provide care for her younger sibling.

The result was that instead of the brother growing and healing, he blamed her for his bad behavior and problems. He felt "entitled" to get what he wanted from her such as money, room & board, or any other form of assistance even though he was a full grown man and should be doing this for himself. The bigger problem is that Mother Hen accepted the blame and did what she felt she had to do to make up for it even if it meant it will be at the cost of her own health, well being and happiness.

I very often hear similiar stories from my clients or women I just happen to meet. Just the other day a woman from http://first30days.com shared her story in the "Talk To Us" section. My heart went out to her because the challenges she was experiencing are typical of a woman who has taken the Mother Hen role. I completely understand Mother Hens because that has been my role for most of my life. In fact, not until three years ago did I realize how unhealthy my behavior was and I began to make changes. It has not been easy though. I slipped a few times over the years. But I have gotten a whole lot better.

This is what Dr. Laura has to say about to the Mother Hen in her book:

"Janeen, if your brother was 'messed up', let's look at the larger truth. Your father was absent and your mother was busy. He didn't have a parent. You did the best you could, but you were a kid. Kids can't really raise kids...I think you have been in denial also-taking all this responsibility on yourself. No wonder you brought him into your home; it's how you tried to fix the 'bad mothering' you think you did. But that was the past you both shared. You both suffered from the loss of Mommy and Daddy. You denied your childhood angst by burying yourself in your brother and his issues. Your brother denied his childhood angst by blaming you-which fed into your denial...and so it went, around and around."

Until I had challenged her decision to bring her brother into her home during our first conversation, she was like a missile- blindly trying to make up to her brother what she indentified as her "bad mothering" of him, when in fact neither of them wanted to confront the fact that they both were virtually abandoned by both parents. However, Janeen had made a better life choices, was educated, married and a mother. Her brother, jealous, resented all she had, and wanted to hurt his "surrogate mother." Sick. Sad.

These are typical signs which may indicate that you have taken the unhealthy Mother Hen role:

• You are a giver, but do not allow yourself to receive.
• You work hard to provide and give to others even though you are exhausted and depleted.
• You take blame for the feelings or challenges of others, even adults.
• You let others walk all over you. Especially your spouse, siblings, friends and children.
• You have low self-esteem or you base your value on how much you give to others.
• You always sacrifice your needs and well-being because you can't say "no".
• You attract low energy men: Addicts, abusive, selfish, cheaters, dishonest, self centered, etc.
• You help your friends at a moments notice, but when you need their help you just hear the sound of crickets.
• You attract selfish people in general. For example, your boss takes advantage that you never say "no", even when you really need to in order to finally get home at a decent hour and get some much needed rest, so he regularly piles on a bunch of last minute work on you so that he could leave at noon to play golf with the buddies. To top it off you are on salary so you are not even getting paid overtime.
• You are an enabler to your spouse's or boyfriend's addictions.
• You think that it is your fault that he cheats or you take blame for other serious character flaws.
• You do not set healthy boundaries with others, in fact you may not even know what boundaries are.

If you need my support to learn how to stop Mother Hen behavior, please contact me at carbajalzulma@gmail.com


"Even in a serious state of denial, you know you have been hurt and damaged in ways that cause confusion, pain, fear, and even anger. While you may be clear on the big picture of the difficulties you experienced in childhood, the "fine details" may not be so obvious...Those fine details have to do with..fixing everyone and everything to make up for the sense of powerlessness as a child...constantly creating in your adulthood your early bad situations in order to magically fix yesterday, and so forth."

                                                              -Dr. Laura Schlessinger