Growth and Healing

Growth and Healing could be a life long process. In fact, it usually is for most of us. There are those who are completely healed, but they are exceptions to the rule. A woman who comes to mind  who healed her stuff and is considered a spiritual master by many circles is Byron Katie. Although she is so humble she would tell you that she does not know whether that is true or not. All she knows is that she got tired of being a masochist. Katie, as she prefers to be called, suffered many painful years in deep depression. She even had to go to a hospital for a while because she was not able to function at all. She slept on a hard cold floor because she felt she did not deserve better. Then she found The Work. If you would like to learn her whole story read one of her books.

I remember when I first met Katie it was at a Dr. Wayne Dyer seminar in 2005. I was not aware they were doing the seminar together. I actually had not even heard of her. But I was amazed by her. Nothing seemed to upset her. She was very loving and caring to everyone. It is hard to believe that there was a time her kids couldn't stand her and that she had trouble in her marriage (note: she is now married to someone else. He has translated spiritual texts such as the Tao Te Ching.  I believe he is something like twenty years younger than her. When he met Katie he was amazed that she was saying things spiritual masters throughout the ages have taught, yet she never read a single book nor even heard of most of the masters, much less knew what their teachings were). What is even more unbelievable to me is that she is so "enlightened" that even though she was becoming blind, her home was robbed (completely) and one time she was almost raped, she reacted the same loving way as she always does. In fact, after just a few words from Katie the rapist changed his mind and left her home.

However, the rest of us are on a different path than Katie is. I have learned that growing and healing is not a linear process. It is not like when you make a "To do" list. You can't write; heal childhood wounds (check); improve relationships (check); stop codependency behavior (check); learn to stand up for yourself (check); stop caretaking patterns (check); become enlightened (check). Even when you work super hard in growing and healing things still come back from the past sometimes to bite you on the butt.

I learned from experience that sometimes when we think we finally healed a situation will occur which will show you otherwise. According to Dorothy Corkville Briggs, author of  Embracing Youself,  learning is much like when you potty train a child.

• First the child becomes aware of  what he needs to do.
• Second the child will tell you, after he soiled himself,  that he needs to go to the bathroom.
• Third the child will tell you that he needs to go to the bathroom while there is urine running down his leg.
• Fourth, the child will finally alert you before he goes to the bathroom that he needs to go. Possibly the child will have some accidents though.
• Fifth, the child goes to the bathroom on his own.

Now let me share with you the adult version of learning.  Let's say you have become aware that you need to heal your relationship with your mother.

• First you become aware of needing to heal your relationship with your mother and you prepare for it. Perhaps you talk to a therapist, church councelor or support group. Maybe you read a few books on how other people have done this. Or you use your best friend's relationship with her mother as an example and ask her for tips.
• Second you feel ready and think you know it all. But then your mother comes over and the battle begins. Three weeks later you realize you did not practice anything that you learned or told yourself you'd do differently.
• Third she comes over again and while you are in the middle of your old habitual reactions, you think to yourself, "Here I go again, darn it. I said I would not do this anymore. It drains me."
• Fourth you now catch yourself before repeating old reaction patterns and while there are occasions you slip, they are not big slips, and you go back to practicing what you learned immediately.
• Fifth, your new healthier patterns on how to relate to your mother are now learned in your subconscious so they are automatic.

Please note that Dr. Laura Shlessinger recommends that if your relationship with your parents is extremely dysfunctional and your parents are abusive towards you, what you need to do is find a way to keep away from him or her or both of them. At least set up strong boundaries if you must see them. Yes people always say that you have to love your parents no matter what. But if you allow them to abuse you emotionally, physically, or mentally, you are not loving yourself. I just wanted to make sure I clarified this because some people think that they must tolerate abuse just because it comes from a parent. This may be true when you are a child because you have no choice if you want to survive. But this is not the case as an adult.

 Also, keep in mind that some relationships seem like they are lost causes, but after going through your own healing you learn otherwise. This was the case with my relationship with my  mother. Once I healed and learned to protect myself, I was ready to see why she did what she did and practiced better ways to communicate with her. Now (even though she is the same person she was before, still carrying years of pain), she responds very differently to me. I could honestly say that we definitely have a much more healthier relationship than we ever had. We also understand each other more so we have become compassionate with each other.

Anyhow, the point of this article is to encourage you to keep on growing and healing. Even when you slip. Sometimes you just want to give it all up and rather live in isolation so that you don't have to deal with anyone or anything. However, remind yourself that the challenges you presently have with a person or situation are precisely what you need heal.  If you don't learn, the lesson will be repeated or even get worse. But be patient and loving with yourself. We are all doing the best we can.